Relapse
by IHeartLogiebear
Summary: Ever since James's cancer went into remission, his life has been changed for the better. He's working again, he looks healthy again, and he's dating Devonne, also a former cancer patient. Everything is looking good so far, until a life changing event takes place. Hearts will break and life will spiral out of control.
1. Back To Normal

**I was just reading Unbroken one day and I started thinking about how much I miss it, so I thought "You know, I think it would be fun to write a sequel." This story will be angsty, dramatic, and it's probably gonna make you cry, but I hope that you enjoy it anyway!**

**Disclaimer: I've said this a billion times, but I would not be writing fanfiction if I owned Big Time Rush. Instead, I would be living in Los Angeles and I would be married to Logan Henderson. Seriously, I've always been a James girl, but Logiebear conflicts me BIG TIME.**

**Anyways, enjoy the story! **

* * *

"James, I'm trying to work!"

"Come on, you can't get off a couple hours early?" James Diamond whines.

"No!"

James sighs loudly, spinning around in the desk chair. His girlfriend of six months, Devonne, is a volunteer at Cedars Sinai Medical Center, where they were both previous cancer patients. James went into remission from Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia six months ago and Devonne has been in remission from Hodgkins Lymphoma for a few years. Even though James is healthy again, he still spends a lot of time at the hospital.

"Please?" James begs.

"No, baby." Devonne gives him a gentle kiss on the lips, ruffling his hair before walking into a patient's room. She spends a lot of time working the main desk, but she spends most of her time in the Oncology Ward. She and James both do! James loves coming to the hospital and keeping the young cancer patients company.

"You're so difficult."

"No, I'm responsible!" He hears his girlfriend call out. He rolls his eyes in response, crossing his arms. Sometimes he feels like signing up to volunteer, just so they could spend more time together. Gustavo won't let him, though. Big Time Rush is preparing for a big nationwide tour and they have a lot of work to do.

To keep himself occupied, he starts looking at pictures on his phone. One picture was taken while he was still sick. He was wearing a hoodie to cover his hairless head, he looked ridiculously thin, and you can tell that he didn't feel good. Since then, he has grown his hair back (even got a new hairstyle), gained weight, and he feels okay. Maybe a little tired, but okay.

"Tell you what," Devonne says when she returns. "You can help me by picking up Emma's food from the cafeteria. They were gonna bring it to her, but I called them and said that you would grab the tray."

Emma is a ten year old girl with Leukemia. She's been battling the illness for two years now and the doctor's doubt that she'll make it. James has a hard time being around her, knowing that he was in her position once. Just a few months ago, it was him laying in a hospital bed with a needle in his arm, having chemo pumped into him.

"Fine, but we're gonna make out when you get off." James warns. Devonne gives him a sarcastic smile, giving him a playful shove as he walks away from the desk. He smirks and begins walking toward the elevator, pressing the button. He thinks that Emma is a great kid, but being around cancer patients doesn't exactly bring back good memories.

"Nice jacket, by the way!"

"It was a present from my mom!" James laughs, stepping into the elevator. He looks down at his blue Superman hoodie, leaning against the wall. Yeah, ever since he beat cancer, his mom refers to him as "Superman." His friends and family are always telling him how proud they are and how brave he is. He's even wearing a "Cancer Survivor" T shirt under the jacket.

"Hi, I'm picking up a tray for Emma Sanders." He tells the cafeteria lady when he approaches her.

"Right." The woman, Charlotte, replies, grabbing a tray from the back. He quietly thanks her, taking the tray and heading back to the Oncology Ward. He reluctantly enters Emma's room, where the sick girl is sleeping. He sits the tray by her bed before sitting on the mattress. Despite being ill, she's a very pretty girl.

"Why don't you and I go down to the cafeteria?" Devonne suggests, kissing his shoulder. She helps him off the bed, leading him out of the room. Anytime she notices that he's getting a little anxious, she forces him to step away from this particular ward. He either has to go to the cafeteria, go outside, or walk around the cafeteria until he calms down.

"What about you? You look like you could use some rest." He tells her, taking her hand in his.

"I guess I am a little tired, but it's no big deal." Devonne insists. James gives her an apprehensive look, not sure if he believes her. She's been this way for weeks now. You know, tired and feeling...yucky? She claims that it's nothing, but James has been telling her that she should see a doctor. Just to be sure that it's nothing serious, you know?

"Dev-"

"Jay, I'm fine." Devonne pushes him toward the elevator, where they begin sharing sweet kisses. His parents worry that they're moving too fast, but he sees nothing wrong with that. Their past experiences with cancer have helped them bond, which makes their relationship that much stronger.

"I'm serious." He says as the elevator doors open. "You look terrible."

"Gee, thanks for the compliment!"

"No, I didn't mean it like that!" James says quickly. He can tell that his comment hurt her feelings, so he wraps his arms around her waist and hugs her from behind. He was partly kidding. She looks beautiful. Not exactly perfect, but beautiful. You know, she just doesn't look as vibrant as usual.

"Uh huh." Devonne replies flatly.

"You know you love me." James teases, pecking her cheek. Devonne finally smiles and accepts another hug from him before they enter the cafeteria. They aren't hungry because they already ate, but sometimes they like to come here and just hang out. They talk, laugh, listen to music on James's iPhone, and stuff like that.

"Hey, how are the guys doing?"

"The guys" are his bandmates; Kendall Knight, Carlos Garcia, and Logan Mitchell. Kendall is the leader, Carlos is the funny/cute one, and Logan is the smart/recovering drug addict/alcoholic. Yeah, that last part doesn't really make sense, but Logan took James's diagnosis pretty hard. He ended up turning to drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes for comfort. In the last months of James's battle, he ended up in rehab.

"They're fine." James shrugs. "They miss seeing you, though. Ever since we got back to work, none of us have had much time for anything else."

"Which sucks, considering that you and I were suppose to be celebrating our six month anniversary last week." Devonne reaches across the table, holding his hands. "Instead, you were at work, being pushed around by your stuffy old boss."

"Gustavo is only forty two." James grins.

"You know what I mean!"

"I was just messing with you." He smiles, placing a soft kiss on her hands. Did he mention that Devonne is three years older than him? Yeah, she's twenty two years old and he's nineteen. Yep, he's dating an older woman. All of the girls in his life (his mom, Mama Knight, Katie, Camille, Jo, Stephanie, Lucy) think that it's great that he's dating an educated and mature girl for once.

"Yeah? Well, guess what's gonna happen when we get back to my place." She whispers.

"What?" James jokingly whispers back.

"I'm gonna mess with you in more ways than one."

"Oh, really?" James smirks. Devonne nods and walks around the table, lowering herself onto his lap. She nods, playing with his hair. He normally feels kind of protective of the brown strands, but he actually loves when Devonne runs her fingers through his hair. It feels really nice because she has very gentle hands.

"Hey, lemme get a pic for my Facebook." He says, taking out his cell phone. Devonne rests her cheek against his and they both smile for the camera, then James eagerly uploads the picture to his account. He has several pictures of him and Devonne on his FB and Scuttlebutter accounts. There's one fan that insists that they're "doing the deed," but they both ignore people like that. By the way, no deed has been done.

"Now, please explain why you look so sleepy." He says firmly.

"It's been a busy day, pretty boy." Devonne answers, looking him in the eyes.

"Uh huh."

"I'm serious!"

"Whatever."

"Oh, you're unbelievable!"

"I know!"

Devonne lightly slaps him behind the head, getting off his lap and going to get a slice of pizza. James notices that she doesn't appear to be as energetic as usual. She obviously tries, but it seems to be an effort. He has been quite worried about her, but she insists that she's fine. Sometimes he feels like dragging her to the doctor.

Oh, here's where it gets frightening. Just as Devonne is about go and order, she sinks to the ground. The cafeteria lady reaches her in only a few seconds, but James arrives at her side soon after.

"Are you okay?" He asks her, worry in his voice.

"I just got a little dizzy." Devonne insists, letting James help her up.

"I think you need to see if you can leave early." Charlotte tells her.

"Yeah, let's get you home." James says, keeping his arm around her waist. She has probably been working more and eating less. She needs to get home and relax on the couch with a delicious carton of chocolate ice cream. If she's gonna go around collapsing like she just did, she definitely needs to rest.

* * *

"So you just collapsed in the cafeteria?" Kendall questions.

"Yeah, but I'm fine." Devonne assures him. She looks toward the living room, where James is watching TV with Carlos and Logan. He wanted to stay in the kitchen with her, but she and Kendall forced him to sit down and relax. He's only been in remission for six months and they still wanna make sure that he's comfortable.

"You sure? Because James seems pretty concerned." Kendall nods in James's direction. Instead of paying attention to the TV, James is looking over at them. It's sweet that he's so concerned about Devonne, but she's okay. She'll admit that she has been really busy lately and it's probably catching up to her.

"He worries about everything." She groans, walking toward her boyfriend. She hugs him from behind, placing a kiss on his cheek. She notices that Logan has fallen asleep, which is unusual for him. Ever since his rehab ordeal, he has changed quite a bit. James once told her that Logan has developed insomnia, sometimes not going to bed until one in the morning.

"You're gonna try to relax, right?" She whispers in his ear.

"Wanna help me out?" James smiles.

"Depends on what kind of help you're asking for." Devonne tells him, laughing when Carlos covers his ears. James winks and gets off the couch, lifting her into his arms. She squeals and throws her arms around his neck, letting him carry her off to his and Kendall's shared bedroom.

* * *

**Review! :D**


	2. Back Again

"Wow." Devonne breathes out, looking up at the ceiling.

"Yeah." James says, turning his head to look at his girlfriend. Devonne is wearing a lacy pink bra and underwear, while James is wearing his boxers. He chuckles as he leans in for a kiss, their lips touching. He doesn't understand why she seems more tired than most people would be after...well, you know.

After resting for a few more minutes, he has enough energy to get up and slip his clothes back on. He turns back around when he hears loud footsteps getting farther away, then he realizes that Devonne ran to the restroom. Filling with concern, he follows Devonne, arriving just as she starts vomiting into the toilet.

"Hey!" He kneels beside her, rubbing her back. "It's okay."

"Jay, what's wrong?" Katie, Kendall's sister, asks.

"Dev is sick." James frowns, holding Devonne's hair back. It breaks his heart to hear her coughing and gagging, but he stays strong for her. She just needs someone to comfort her while she's puking. Once she's done, he's calling a doctor and getting an appointment for her, preferably where she can be seen today.

Devonne only spends a couple more minutes throwing up, then she reaches up to flush the toilet. That's really strange. She has never thrown up like that before. She got the flu a couple months ago, but this time was just different in some way. All he knows is that she needs to see a doctor as soon as possible.

"I'm getting you a doctor's appointment." He says, helping her off the floor. Once she's situated on the couch, he whips out his cell phone and calls her doctor, who also happens to be his doctor. They still have regular visits with him, just to make sure that they're still healthy. James's worst fear is relapse.

"You okay, Dev?" Logan asks, concerned.

"I'm fine." Devonne assures him. "My boyfriend, on the other hand, is making me see a doctor against my will."

James chatters away on the phone, explaining the situation to the secretary at Doctor Wilson's office. He has become paranoid ever since he got sick. Every cough, every sneeze, every time he throws up, he worries that he's relapsing. Then he gets to a doctor and finds out that everything is fine. He hopes that this will be the case for Devonne.

"I swear, he's turning into a hypochondriac." Carlos mutters.

"Do you even know what that means?"

"You're pushing it, Logan!"

"Let's go, Dev!" James reaches for her hand.

"James-" Devonne shrieks as she's lifted into his arms and carried out of the apartment.

* * *

"James David Diamond!" She argues as James drags her to the Big Time Rush mobile. That's the car that Gustavo bought for them (from Bitters, the Palm Woods manager) during their first few months in California. James happens to know that their boss has been considering buying each of them their own individual vehicle, so they don't have to share. Devonne has no idea how he found out, but that's what he claims to have found out.

"Your appointment is at five thirty." James says, gently forcing her into the front passenger's seat.

She growls, her arms crossed. So she got a little nauseous! Nausea doesn't necessarily mean that anything's wrong. She's probably just coming down with the flu again. She just needs to get some medicine and she'll be fine.

"Don't be a grouch." James ruffles her hair, laughing as she pushes his hand away. He soon becomes serious, starting the car. To keep herself busy during this ridiculously long car ride, she does what she and James always do when they get bored, which is looking at pictures on their phones.

"Do your sisters still go at it?" He asks her.

"Oh, you have no idea." Devonne replies. Brittany is eighteen and Anna is sixteen. Both are somewhat immature for their age and they love arguing over the stupidest things. They're her girls, though. She loves them. "Now, did you really have to make me see a doctor?"

"Yep."

"Well, that sucks."

"Get over it, babe."

"Don't tell me what to do."

* * *

"So...why all the tests?"

"It's just standard procedure." Doctor Wilson answers. "Considering your past medical issues, this is just something that we have to do."

Devonne takes a deep breath, sitting on the examination table. She was ready to freak out when the doctor ordered the blood test and the imaging tests (CT scans and whatnot). She has been sitting in this little room for a few hours now, awaiting the results of the tests. Doctor Wilson told her that they would be getting the blood test results soon, but the CT scan results wouldn't be known for two or three days. God, she's freaking out.

"I'm gonna go and see if they've gotten the results ready."

She watches as he leaves the room, her eyes filling with tears. Oh, she'll never forget her battle with cancer, even though it has been years. More recently, there was James's fight with Leukemia. That brought back some unpleasant memories from her own struggle with illness. She thought that it was all over, though.

If her Hodgkin's Lymphoma is back, can she really go through all that suffering again? Chemo was suppose to treat the disease, but it also made her feel worse. She could hardly eat, she threw up when she did, she felt weak, she felt tired, and she lost her hair! She was so happy when her hair grew back!

Knock! Knock!

"Come in!" She calls out.

"It's me." James shuts the door, sitting next to her on the table. "What did he say?"

"He went to see if the results of my blood test are in."

She reaches for his hand, resting her head on his shoulder. She is so in love with this boy. The fact that they've both had cancer makes them so much closer than regular couples. They have a special kind of understanding for each other. Let's just hope that she's not about to go through a repeat of her late teen years.

"I don't want either one of us to go through that crap again.." James says bitterly. "I don't exactly know what you went through, but I remember my experience very clearly and it _sucked_. I felt like the life was being sucked out of me."

Hearing that breaks Devonne's heart. She knows exactly what he means. Cancer is no fun. You pretty much feel like dirt 24/7. It's always a beautiful feeling when you go to the hospital and learn that the illness is gone and you can return to your normal life.

It seems like forever before Dr. Wilson returns and when he does, he doesn't look happy. He looks more troubled than anything else. Why? What's wrong? Will he hurry up and tell her what the results said?

"Is everything okay?" She asks timidly.

"Devonne," The doctor says calmly. "I'm afraid I have some bad news."

* * *

"What is it?" Devonne's voice is shaky, while James can't speak at all. He just clutches her hand and prays that it's not what he's suspecting. Doctor Wilson's expression tells him otherwise. It's _exactly _what he's suspecting. Devonne is sick again, isn't she? He wants to cover his ears and block out what the doctor is about to say, but at the same time, he wants to know the truth.

"Your..." Doctor Wilson hesitates. "Your Lymphoma has returned."

James knows that he should stay and comfort Devonne, but he can't stand to be in this room any longer. So he gets out of his seat and makes a quick exit, practically running down the hallway. He feels like his heart was just ripped out of his chest and stomped on. How can Devonne be sick again? She was doing so well for so long!

He runs until he reaches a back door, stepping outside. He sits on the concrete and bursts into quiet sobs, grabbing his cell phone from his pocket. He doesn't want anyone to hear him cry, so he chooses to text Logan instead. Normally, he would message Kendall, but lately he has began feeling closer to Logan than any of his three friends.

_Please come to the hospital NOW!_

How could this happen? Why would God put Devonne through this all over again? She's the last person that deserves such suffering. If anyone had to have a relapse, why couldn't it have been James? Everyone has always thought he was too self absorbed anyway, so he should be the one getting cancer again.

**_What's wrong?_**

_Just get over here!_

**_I'm already on my way_**

James spends the next twenty minutes crying his eyes out, his heart shattering more with every minute that passes. Then he receives another text from Logan.

**_Where are you?_**

_Find the back door. I'm right outside._

Minutes later, the door opens and James's friend is kneeling beside him, a hand on his back.

"Jay, what's the matter? Is Devonne okay?"

"Logan, she-"

"What?" Logan whispers, wrapping his arms around James.

"Her cancer is back."

* * *

**Yes, Devonne is the one that relapses! And some really sad stuff is gonna happen, so BE PREPARED**

**Review! :D**


	3. Stuck In Shock

**I moved my response to the anonymous review to chapter 4:)**

"Jay, say something." Devonne pleads, her voice shaking.

James has been silent for the whole ride back to Devonne's apartment, which is located near the UCLA campus. Now that she's sick again, she doesn't know how she's gonna go to school. She was only diagnosed with the illness thirty five minutes ago, but she's already considering dropping out of college. She loves it, but she's not gonna be able to attend class when she's getting chemo.

Logan had his girlfriend, Camille Roberts, drop him off at the hospital, but instead of having her pick him up, he was nice enough to drive James and Devonne to her apartment, using her car. She can tell that both guys are taking this pretty hard, but James has to be taking it harder than any of them.

"You guys want me to stay out here? Or should I just go home?" Logan asks softly.

"No, just come in." Devonne tells him. They all get out of the car and walk up the stairs to the apartment where Devonne has been living since starting her college career. She lets James and Logan go in first before entering herself. She hates the way James is being so quiet, but she shouldn't expect any different.

"You need to lay down." James murmurs quietly.

"Actually, I was gonna go down to the pool-"

"Just lay down and rest!" James snaps, gently forcing her onto the couch. She flinches at the harshness of his voice, but does as she is told. She wishes she knew what to say to him, but there really isn't much that she can say to make him feel better. The harsh reality is that her cancer is back and she'll have to get chemotherapy.

"Bud, maybe you should rest too." Logan suggests.

"I don't need to." James says, grabbing a blanket from the hallway closet. He lays it over Devonne and she has no trouble seeing the tears filling his eyes. She wishes that he would lay down and cuddle with her, but he's too flustered for that. She has learned that he has to keep moving when he's upset.

"You're not gonna start babying me, are you?"

"I have to." James's voice cracks. "If someone doesn't take care of you, then...well, who knows what'll happen?"

Devonne doesn't even know how to respond. It's sweet that he wants to take care of her, but she doesn't need him treating her like a child. She doesn't want him to become her full time caretaker. She just wants him to be her boyfriend. She just needs him to be there for her, you know?

"Baby, please sit down." She begs, reaching out to him. She gently grabs his wrists, pulling him down. She can see how much this situation is killing him, but he just needs to let her comfort him. This is just much about him as it is about her. Seeing her go through this again will likely bring back memories of his own experience.

"Come here." She whispers, wrapping her arms around him. She kisses his cheek, letting him rest his head on her shoulder. This really sucks, you know? Why does this crap happen to him? Next thing they know, _James _will end up relapsing. Dear God, she prays that it never happens. She'll gladly go through this battle again, but James doesn't deserve it.

"Hey, Logan, what are you looking at?" She frowns, noticing the other boy looking through the kitchen cabinets. She hopes that he's not looking for pills. She doesn't want to see him relapse. She won't let that happen.

She gets up, despite James's protests, and walks over to her friend. She shuts the cabinet, giving Logan a stern look. He gives her a confused look and she shrugs, grabbing his hand and pulling him over to the couch. Now she needs to figure out how to tell her parents and her sisters the tragic news. What if Brittany starts self harming again?

"I think I'm gonna go home for a little bit." Logan murmurs. "Just call me when you want me to come and get you."

Devonne nods, kissing James's temple. Once Logan has walked out the door, Devonne gets up and walks to the restroom, shutting the door. She doesn't know what the next step should be. She knows that she'll eventually have to tell her family, but she doesn't know how. She knows that they'll be devastated.

Right now, though, she's focused on James. She's so scared of how this might affect him. He's already taking it pretty hard, but she's worried that he might get worse. That's how it was for Logan when James got sick. He eventually turned to the wild side for comfort as James fought for his life.

"Dev?" James's voice is shaky.

"I'm fine." Devonne opens the door, gasping as her boyfriend throws his arms around her. He starts sobbing into her shoulder, while she rubs his back and lovingly kisses his head. She doesn't know why these things happen, but there's nothing she can do.

"Hey," She whispers, pulling away. "Look at me."

She kisses his cheek and wipes his tears away. She never wanted this to happen. She thought that their experiences with cancer were over. They were even talking about moving in together, but all those dreams will have to be put on hold. She'll probably have to drop out of college and move back in with her parents and sisters.

"Let's go and lay down." She suggests, grabbing his hand. She pulls him down the hallway to her room, where they crawl under the covers. It hurts when he turns so his back is facing her, but that doesn't stop her from putting her arm around him. She feels somewhat better when he lets her hold his hand, but she's still struggling on the inside.

* * *

"Puttin' my defenses up, cause I don't wanna fall in love. If I ever did that, I think I'd have a hard attack!"

Logan just remembered that Brittany, Devonne's sister, was planning on coming over and practicing a new song with Kendall. She's not signed to any record label and her dream career is to be a dancer, but she has a musical side and Kendall is her own personal "guitar boy." They've been practicing the new tune all day.

"But you make me wanna act like a girl, paint my nails and wear perfume, for you, make me so nervous that I just can't hold your hand!"

Logan stands in the doorway of the gym for a moment, watching Brittany sing while Kendall plays his electric guitar. There's no denying that Brittany has some talent, but her "screw you" personality kind of overshadows her positive characteristics. She's sort of a rebel and she's in need of a major attitude adjustment.

"You played the wrong chord!" The brunette complains.

"Well, maybe it would help if the singer had a more pleasant attitude! Then I could actually concentrate!"

Logan would normally laugh, but he can't right now. How is he suppose to explain that Devonne's cancer is back? He's especially afraid to tell Brittany because she turned to self harm during Devonne's first battle with the illness and he's afraid that she might relapse. Someone will have to tell her eventually, though.

"Kendall, lemme see your guitar for a minute?" She asks.

"No!"

"Just let me see it for a minute!"

"Fine!"

Kendall hands her the guitar and she begins strumming the tune, humming. Logan motions for Kendall to follow him, almost feeling the urge to cry. He can't do that, though. James is already upset and the last thing anyone needs is two crying teenage boys. No, Logan will just have to stay as calm as possible.

"Hey, why did you leave?" Kendall frowns.

"James called and told me that he was at Cedars Sinai with Devonne."

"How did her appointment go?"

"Kendall," Logan hates when his voice cracks. "Her cancer is back."

Kendall's head snaps in Brittany's direction, while Logan stands behind him and struggles not to cry. This is awful, absolutely awful. How could this happen to Devonne? She's a really awesome girl and she certainly doesn't deserve cancer. Not only that, but there's also James to worry about. How will he handle seeing Devonne in the same position that he was in just a few months ago?

"R-really?" Kendall stutters.

"Yeah." Logan says quietly.

"Hey, could we please get back to practicing?!" Brittany yells.

"Don't say anything to her." Logan says. "Not yet."

Without saying a single word, Kendall turns around and walks back over to Brittany, never mentioning her sister's diagnosis. While they get back to work, Logan walks to the pool, sitting in a lawn chair by the water. He needs to figure this all out before he loses his mind.

* * *

"I'll call you later." Devonne gives James a kiss, letting their noses touch for a moment. Then James follows Logan out to the car, getting into the front passenger's seat. He just wants to go home and lie down. This has been the worst day ever! He doesn't understand how Devonne could be sick again. She hasn't been doing anything unhealthy! She exercises, she follows a proper diet, and she stays away from drugs and alcohol.

"Come here." Logan says softly, reaching out to James.

James leans into his friend's embrace, tearing up for the millionth time. They've got a long road ahead of them. A road full of chemo, lost hair, tears, pain, and suffering. He doesn't know if he's gonna be able to take it.

"Let's go home." Logan lets him go and starts the car, pulling out of the parking space. James pulls his hood over his head and leans against the window, closing his eyes. He wishes that Devonne could be healed of cancer forever, never to deal with the horrid disease ever again. He hates cancer.

After falling asleep for a while, he is woken up, only to find that they have arrived back at the Palm Woods. Wiping tears from his cheeks, he gets out of the car, ignoring Logan and walk toward the entrance. He does his best not to cry anymore, but it's awfully hard. He'll certainly be breaking down once he's alone, though.

"James?"

He turns around to face Carlos, who looks incredibly sad. Logan must have told him and Kendall about Devonne. He sniffles as his young friend pulls him into a hug, returning the gesture. He can feel the tears falling down his face, no longer caring if anyone sees him cry. He's far too heartbroken to care.

"I don't wanna lose her." He whispers tearfully.

"I know." Carlos rubs his back. James was looking forward to a beautiful future with Devonne. They were gonna move in together (they haven't told anyone) and eventually they were going to get married and start a family. James doesn't wanna do that stuff with anyone else. He can't imagine life without Devonne.

"Hey, buddy."

He bursts into quiet sobs as Kendall joins the group hug, wishing that he could wake up from this nightmare. But it's not a dream. It's an unfortunate, painful reality.

* * *

**Aww, so sad:( Don't you just wanna give James a hug? I do!**

**Oh, and the song in this chapter was Demi Lovato's Heart Attack! And Brittany's celeb lookalike is Ashley Tisdale (as a brunette)**

**Review! :D**


	4. The Fight Begins Again

**EDIT: Okay, I got an anonymous review complaining about Devonne being the one relapsing. In fact, here's what the review said, then I'll respond:)**

_**Why did you choose Devonne to be the one who relapses? Like, come on, this is a Big Time Rush fanfiction. We don't care about your random OC. We want James angst. I don't hate original characters, but I hate it when an author makes his/her OC the center of attention. Jeez, could you not realize how stupid this is? Unbroken is a good story because it's mostly about James, but how about 'relapse'? It's terrible. Nobody cares about Devonne, I remind you. She's just an OC, she is NOT that important.**_

**A few months ago, a review like this would have hurt, but I've got much thicker skin now. No, I'm not going on a rant, but I do want to point something out. If you'd keep reading before judging, you'd find out that Devonne actually WON'T be the center of attention. In fact, James is going to be the main focus for the biggest part of the story (for more than 90 percent of it). So please, read a few more chapters before you send reviews criticizing the plot. I appreciate constructive criticism, but sometimes people make judgements prematurely.**

"Why haven't you told your parents yet?" James asks Devonne.

"I'll tell them." She insists. "Eventually."

"Well, you can't keep it from them forever." James murmurs. A week has passed since Devonne learned about her cancer's return and she's starting chemotherapy today. She has made the (in James's opinion, stupid) decision to keep the situation a secret from her family, for fear of causing more pain and suffering. James personally thinks that she should just be honest with them.

"Just for a little while." She reaches for his hand. He shakes his head, clenching his jaw. She has Hodgkin's Lymphoma and she wants to wait "a little while" before telling them? If it were him, he would just tell the truth, even if it hurt people. They deserve to know what's going on. Mr. and Mrs. Barton deserve to know what's going on with their daughter.

He gets up from his chair, kissing her forehead before exiting the room. He's gonna go down to the cafeteria and get something to eat. The guys are down there anyway and since he could use some comfort, that's good to know. He just hopes that he doesn't start crying in front of them.

In the elevator, he leans against the wall, his eyes filling with tears for the millionth time this week. Why? Why do these things happen? He doesn't understand why bad things happen to good people. He hates that it has to be that way. He would give anything to find out that this was all a dream.

He rubbed the back of his neck as he exited the elevator, walking toward the cafeteria. He's tempted to tell Devonne's family for her, but he has more respect for her than that. He disagrees with her decision to keep her diagnosis a secret, but it's her business. She'll tell them when she's ready. He just hopes that she'll do it soon.

"Hey, you want something to eat?" Kendall offers. James shakes his head, sitting next to Logan at the round table. He buries his face in his arms, letting Camille reach out to rub his back. This has been a really crappy week. He was hoping that he would never have to have any personal connection to the Cancer Ward ever again, yet here he is.

"Jay, I'm gonna go and visit with her a little bit, okay?" Jo says gently. James shrugs and mumbles a quiet "whatever," keeping his head down as Kendall's girlfriend gets up and leaves the cafeteria. He's exhausted and he just needs some peace and quiet. He's beyond stressed out and he has no idea how he's gonna calm down.

* * *

Logan is scared of what's going to happen. He knows how close James and Devonne have become in just a little more than a year and this has gotta be hard on both of them. However, Logan is just a tad bit more concerned about James. He seems to be taking the situation really hard. He obviously needs plenty of support unless they want him to go down the same stupid path that Logan was on just a while back.

"I thought I had a future with her, but cancer is gonna ruin it." James whispers.

"Jay, don't say that." Carlos begs. Logan nods in agreement, putting his arm around James's shoulders. It hurts to see James like this, but this is a problem that Logan can't fix. It's honestly freaking him out. It brings back some bad memories. You know, of James when he was sick and everyone was a miserable wreck.

"Yeah," Kendall adds. "She's gonna be fine."

"I don't know." James says softly. "I've got a bad feeling."

Logan hoped that he would be able to stay sober throughout this whole thing. Addiction is a daily battle, but he has done good so far. Can he keep it up? He sure hopes so. He worries that he might return to his old habits, but he just leans on his loved ones for support. Will that do any good now?

"Boys!"

They look up as Devonne's parents and sisters enter the cafeteria. They look unusually cheerful, so they must think that Devonne is just here volunteering. Crap, what are they gonna think when they find out that she's here for chemotherapy? Logan almost feels like running out of the cafeteria just to avoid seeing them get their hearts ripped out, but something stops him from doing so.

"H-hi, Mr. and Mrs. Barton." Kendall stammers.

"Oh, is James alright?" Mrs. Barton frowns.

"Um..." Carlos hesitates. "K-kendall?"

"You see, I know you probably think that Devonne is volunteering today, but..." Kendall hesitates. "Well, she went to the doctor a week ago and...her cancer is back. She's getting c-chemotherapy today. She wanted to tell you, but she was scared and shocked and-"

Mrs. Barton ends up fainting upon hearing the news, while a shocked Mr. Barton kneels beside his wife. Brittany is holding onto Anna and both girls look like they're near tears. Out of nowhere, James gets up and runs out of the room. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan look at each other, their hearts shattered.

"I'll talk to him." Kendall said, going after James.

* * *

Kendall looks everywhere for James, but he can't find his friend anywhere. He hopes that James isn't doing anything stupid. The boy doesn't take tough situations very well, so they were amazed at how well he handled his cancer. He'll likely struggle as Devonne fights for her own life. After all, he's in love with her.

"James!" He yells, walking outside. "Where are you?"

He walks down the sidewalk until he turns a corner, where he finds James sitting against the wall. The boy keeps wiping tears from his cheeks, but when more begin falling, he gives up and just sits there, letting his cheeks become wet with salty tears. Kendall is unsure of what to do, but he ends up sitting next to the boy and wrapping his arms around the shaking body.

"I love her." James whispers. "So much."

"I know." Kendall answers. "And we all know how you feel. When you were sick, it broke our hearts. We were so scared that we were gonna lose you, but you're still here. You're healthy and you're here with us. Devonne will be the same way, you know that?

"There's a difference, Kendall." James argues. "That was my first experience with cancer, but Devonne's a victim of relapse. I don't know how it's gonna turn out and that's what scares me."

Kendall is trying his best to understand, but it's hard to understand why James is suddenly being so pessimistic. Does he really think that Devonne is gonna die? She's a strong girl and Kendall has heard that Hodgkin's Lymphoma is one of the most treatable types of cancer. He believes that she'll get through this.

"Jay, you've gotta believe that she's gonna make it." He says calmly. "I don't think being you being pessimistic is gonna do her any good. It certainly won't make _you _feel any better."

It's easy to see that James is distraught. Kendall doesn't want it to get any worse, so he pulls James into a hug, whispering to the boy. He never knew that cancer would become such a big part of their lives. When James was diagnosed with Leukemia, no one could believe it. Who knew that James would be a cancer patient?

And now Devonne is fighting her fight all over again. James doesn't seem to feel too confident either. Yeah, it's scary, but they have to keep a positive attitude. It won't do Devonne any good for anyone to be any other way.

"Let's go and see her." He suggests, helping James off the ground. Seeing his girlfriend would hopefully make him feel better. You know, unless she's puking her guts out, then it'll just make him feel worse. Well, they can at least see how she's doing. If she's feeling bad, they'll go back to the cafeteria until she's feeling better.

"Come on." He keeps an arm around James as they enter the hospital, walking past the cafeteria. Mrs. Barton has awoken from her unconsciousness and she's now crying into her husband's shoulder. It must be hard to know that their little girl is sick again. Kendall hopes that they'll be able wake up one morning and say "our daughter beat cancer again."

Hey, it's good to stay hopeful.

* * *

"Hey, you're okay." Jo says as Devonne vomits into a basin. James almost starts crying when he sees the scene in front of him, but let's just say that he has gotten use to hiding his feelings. He'll cry only in front of his closest friends, but anyone else will continue to believe that he doesn't do such things.

Jo is holding the girl's hair back, while Devonne empties her stomach. As scared as James is, that doesn't stop him from comforting her. Sitting down on the mattress, he rubs her back and gently kisses her head. He can't believe this is happening. He can't believe that this is the reality that they are forced to live in.

"Okay..." Devonne gasps. "I'm done."

Jo takes the basin from her, carrying it to the restroom to clean it up. Devonne leans into James's arms, letting him comfort her. Now, should he tell her that her parents are here and that they know she's sick? She didn't want them to know yet, so James can only imagine how she's gonna react to this news.

"Dev, your parents are here." He says softly.

"What?" Devonne asks weakly. "Why? Do they think I'm still working? Please tell me that they think I'm working."

"No, babe." James answers sadly. "We had to tell them that you're sick."

Devonne looks at him with a frustrated expression. Hey, if he were in her position, he would be upset too. Who wants their family to suffer with knowing that they have cancer again? He knows that he wouldn't want his parents to know. Sadly, the truth has to be known eventually. You can't keep something like that from your loved ones. As sad as the situation is, that's just not right.

"And how did they find out?" She sounds so tired, even exhausted.

"They just showed up to visit you at work, so we had to tell them the truth." James explains. "I didn't want to, but it just...it just happened."

He rests his head on her shoulder, holding her hand. So this is what it feels like to watch a loved one fight for their life. Before, he could imagine how it felt for his friends and family when he was sick, but he didn't know what it was truly like. Now he knows...and he hates it. It's a scary and very stressful thing.

"You'll be okay." He says as she gives his hand a squeeze. "You have to be okay."


	5. Take Care

Devonne was released from the hospital the next day with instructions to rest. She spent the next few days doing just as the doctor told her. Today marks six days since she started chemo and she claims to be feeling okay, although James doesn't believe her. He went to work, though, calling every once in a while to check up on her.

"Dogs, that was...not bad." Their boss, Gustavo Rocque, comments. James stretches his exhausted muscles, hoping that they'll be allowed to go home soon. He wants to lay down for a little bit and just relax. Quite frankly, a nap would probably do him some good. You know, unless Katie decides to pull one of her pranks.

"You guys can have the rest of the day off." Gustavo's cheerful assistant, Kelly Wainwright, tells the boys. Gustavo protests, but the guys are out the door before he can say too much. James and the guys are going over to Devonne's house to see how she's doing. Her parents, still struggling with their daughter's relapse, said that she's doing surprisingly well. Not great, but better than expected.

"Hey, did the doctors ever say what stage her cancer is in?" Logan wonders. James shrugs, getting into the front passenger's seat. He actually asked Doctor Wilson about that and let's just say that the man didn't look too confident. He mentioned something about stage 3B, which is the second to last stage of the disease.

"I think Doctor Wilson said stage 3B, but I don't know." He says tiredly. His friends get nervous looks on their faces, which doesn't surprise him. When you're told that a loved one has an advanced stage of cancer, it's impossible to feel too positive. When he went to a doctor's appointment the other day (he may be cured of his illness, but he still has regular doctor's visits), he had to ask about his girlfriend's condition.

"Hey, I brought chicken nuggets!" Carlos says cheerfully, reaching into his gym bag.

"Carlos, where did you get chicken nuggets?" Kendall frowns.

"They were leftover from last night!"

"Oh yeah."

Carlos offers one to James, who happily accepts the snack. These boys love chicken nuggets, specifically dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets. Since James didn't eat much this morning, it feels good to have a little something to eat. At least he's healthy enough to eat. Some people are stuck getting chemotherapy drugs that make it impossible to hold down a meal.

"Only you would stash food in your bag, Carlos." Logan says. "Only you."

Something tells James that such comments don't bother Carlos. He's use to people commenting about his love for all things edible. The boy loves food. Then again, so does James. Since he's healthy again, he's back to being a food lover just like Carlos. His personal favorites are chicken nuggets, fish sticks, and pizza. Oh, and he occasionally likes to get some cheese ravioli with Devonne.

"I'm gonna save some for Dev." Carlos says, closing his bag.

When they arrive at the apartment complex, they sit in the vehicle for a moment. What if Devonne is feeling too sick for visitors? She couldn't be feeling that bad, could she? She only started chemo a few days ago, but her cancer is kind of advanced, which can probably make a person feel worse.

"Let's not worry too much yet." Kendall tells them. "The doctor probably doesn't know what stage it's in."

"Kendall, I'm pretty sure he knows what he's talking about." James says bitterly. The man has a freaking PhD for God's sake! How could someone go through years of medical school and not know how to stage cancer? As much as he hates to admit it, he has a feeling that Doctor Wilson was right. However, how did this cancer get to stage 3 before it was ever discovered?

They walk to Devonne's apartment and, thankfully, the door is unlocked. They find Devonne fast asleep on the couch, dressed in black sweatpants and a grey hoodie. Her black hair (it was previously red) is a mess and she only has a little bit of makeup on her face. In other words, she looks like crap. She would kill them if they said that out loud.

"Dev..." James whispers, kneeling beside her.

"Hmm?"

"We're back from the studio." He says gently, giving her a sad smile. She opens her eyes and he kisses her gently. She looks somewhat different than she did just two weeks ago, but it's just that she doesn't appear as energetic. It's not hard to tell that she doesn't feel good.

"Hey, guys." She says, slowly sitting up. "How was work?"

"Gustavo was being a jerk as always." Logan says. Devonne nods, probably not the least bit surprised. James has brought her with him to Rocque Records numerous times, so she has gotten a good look at just how difficult he can be. She has even joined the guys in their quest to drive the man up the wall. It's quite funny.

"Doesn't surprise me."

"Hey, I brought chicken nuggets!" Carlos says cheerfully, sitting a paper bag on the dining table. Devonne doesn't seem to find food too appealing right now. James was the same way when he was getting chemo. He could hardly hold down any food at all. One time, he became so frustrated that he wanted to quit taking the medication.

"I'll have some later." Devonne says, kissing James's cheek. Just as he's about to lean in for another kiss, she springs up from the couch and sprints to the restroom, the sound of her vomiting filling the apartment. Kendall and Logan on either side of James, wrapping their arms around him.

"Do you want me to check on her for you?" Carlos asks him.

James shakes his head. "No, I will."

* * *

Devonne hates chemotherapy. She never knew how horrible it was until she got sick, but after she got her first round of chemo, she decided that she couldn't stand the stuff. Now she's going through it all over again. Kind of suckish, don't you think? She certainly thinks so. The worst part of this whole thing is that she doesn't have stage 1 or stage 2 cancer. No, she has freaking stage 3, according to her doctor.

"Dev, you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Devonne says, flushing the toilet. She cringes at the smell, looking up at James. His eyes are full of sympathy and it hurts her to see him looking so...sad. When he reaches down to help her up, she's reluctant to stand up, but she decides to cooperate. Chemo can really tire a girl out.

"You wanna brush your teeth?" He asks. "Then I'll take you to your room."

"Okay." Devonne says as he kisses her cheek. He leaves the room and she grabs a toothbrush, looking at her reflection in the mirror. She wonders if she'll ever get to follow her dreams, like becoming a doctor or getting married and becoming a mom. She knows that she can beat cancer again, but what if she didn't? Her family, friends, and her boyfriend would be destroyed for life.

She had to drop out of college just before she started treatment. Her advisor was shocked to learn about her diagnosis, but the woman was very supportive. Devonne even got messages from each of her professors. She really liked her professors this year. As soon as she wins this fight again, her butt's gonna be in a college classroom.

After brushing her teeth, James takes her to her room, where she lays down for a comfy nap. It takes a few minutes, but she convinces James to lay down with her. Placing a gentle kiss on his jaw, she stares at his precious face. She could look at him all day. Sadly, she can't because they don't live together.

"Just go to sleep." He instructs. She doesn't argue with him, closing her eyes right away. She has been sleeping all day, but she still feels tired. She hopes that it won't always be this way.

* * *

"She's still napping?" Logan asks as he and James stand on the balcony. Kendall and Carlos went out to get more food, while the other two boys agreed to stay at home with Devonne. Just as James is about to turn around and go to Devonne's room, he catches Logan pulling a pack of cigarettes from his jeans pocket.

"Logan, what are you doing?" He asks as his friend lights up.

"It helps with relaxation." Logan insists, taking out another cigarette. He offers it to James, who gives him a disbelieving look. James thought that Logan had stopped smoking! When James was going through his ordeal, he was a heavy smoker, then he went to rehab for his addictions and everyone assumed that it was all over.

"Come on." He urges. "It'll calm you down."

James doesn't know about this. He doesn't even want Logan to do it. Why would he wanna do it himself? Exactly! He doesn't wanna smoke and end up becoming a grouchy old nicotine addict. If Logan keeps this up, that's exactly what he'll become. James really thought he was smarter than that.

"Normally, I would discourage people from doing this, but I think we could all stand to break the rules for a little bit." Logan hands him the cigarette. After staring at it for a moment, he finally puts the cigarette between his teeth, allowing Logan to light it up for him. He feels guilty the minute he inhales, but that doesn't stop him from doing it again.

"We better do away with this stuff before Kendall and Carlos get back." He warns, exhaling a cloud of smoke.

"We will." Logan assures him. "Don't worry!"

James scoffs. Don't worry? Did Logan seriously say "don't worry?" How can he say that? There is plenty to worry about! Heck, Logan use to worry the most out of the whole group! Gosh, what is happening? Is James going insane? Is he stuck in some insane dream where everything is completely changed?

"You've lost your mind, you know?" He points out.

Logan chuckles. "But it makes me that much cooler, right?"

"Dude, you're Logan Mitchell! You're not suppose to be cool!"

"Rude!"

"Sorry!"

"Look, just calm down and enjoy the-" Logan is interrupted by the front door opening. James and Logan quickly put out their cigarettes and kick them off the patio, watching as they hit the ground below. That's sure a relief. James doesn't want anyone to know that he smoked a cigarette with Logan.

"Hey, we're back!" Kendall announces.

"We're out here!" James calls out in response.

"Hey, how's Dev?" Carlos asks them.

"Sleeping." Logan replies. Instead of standing around talking, James makes the decision to go and make sure that Devonne is alright. He gets so paranoid these days. He hardly sleeps at night because he's busy worrying that something might be going wrong. What if Devonne had some complications with her treatment?

"Dev, you still holding up?" He asks, peeking his head into the dimly lit bedroom.

"Yeah." Devonne murmurs. With a saddened smile, James quietly shuts the door, turning around and walking back to the living room.

* * *

**Review! :D**


	6. Something I Don't Want

"How did you find this place?" James asks. He and Logan are sitting in a empty room in the back of an old restaurant. It closed down several years ago, but a lot of people still come here to hang out and do stupid and random crap. Logan comes here to smoke. No one knows that he still smokes, so this place is perfect for lighting up a few without anyone knowing.

"I dunno." Logan shrugs, exhaling another cloud of smoke. "Just needed a place where I could have some privacy."

He watches as James copies his actions, exhaling smoke. He felt bad for getting his friend into smoking, especially after everything that James has been through. He was trying to help, though. In the past month and a half, everything has gone from good to bad and he thought that he could make James feel better.

"Why do you do this?" James questions, putting out his cigarette.

"Life gets stressful sometimes." Logan answers, inhaling the smoke. He knows that smoking is a bad habit, but the past few months have been hard and he could use some relaxation. He tries to come here whenever he can to sneak in a cigarette or two. It may be unhealthy, but in his eyes, it's calming and that's all that matters.

"I still can't believe that Dev relapsed." James says sadly, taking another cigarette out of the pack. He put it between his teeth and lit it with the lighter that he and Logan have been sharing. He has only been a smoker for a few weeks, but he's gotten pretty good. Logan doesn't know if impressed would be the right word, but he's definitely surprised.

"Man, she's a strong girl." Logan tells him. "She'll beat this."

He could tell that James was doubting him. He understands, though. When James was sick, they all worried that he would die. In just a few months, he got pretty sick. In fact, it got to the point where all he ever wanted to do was sleep. When he was awake, he was either really grouchy or just quiet and soft spoken.

"I hope so." James tells him. "Dev is the first girl I've truly loved and I just...I don't wanna lose her."

Logan hates that James is hurting so much. In the past month and a half since Devonne's diagnosis, James has seemed very distracted. He even struggles at dance rehearsals, which he's normally very good at. Heck, he doesn't even seem that interested in anything work related anymore. When they're at Rocque Records, he's always in a hurry to get out of there so he can take care of Devonne.

He nods, understanding where James is coming from. James has dated a lot of girls, but his relationship with Devonne is different. Anyone can see that it's a serious relationship that could very possibly include them getting married. Truthfully, Logan wouldn't mind if his friend married Devonne. She's a cool girl and she'll make a great wife someday.

"She did go to the beach for a little bit this past weekend." James says, perking up a little bit. Logan smiles softly at the thought of Devonne actually having enough energy to visit the beach. They visited her yesterday and she seemed okay. A little tired, but okay. Her biggest concern was her family, but they were able assure her that her parents and sisters were fine.

"Okay, let's talk about something else." Logan suggests.

"Like what?" James laughs.

"Tour starts next week." Logan smiles. They've been working really hard, practicing for the upcoming tour. They'll be touring all over the United States, including Minnesota, their home state. They haven't toured in a couple of years, so they're all a little nervous, but mostly excited. It's just a little nervewracking because it'll be James's first time performing since he got sick.

James's smile fades. "Yeah...It's just that someone needs to..."

"Jay, Devonne has her family." Logan insists. "They can take care of her."

He is amazed at how overprotective and paranoid James has become in just a little more than a year. They're going to be gone for three months. Just three! Besides, he needs to relax and enjoy himself a little bit. He may love Devonne, but she can't be his whole life. He's only known her for a short time and they've been dating for an even shorter time, which means that they don't completely know each other yet.

"Logan, I don't think you're getting what I'm saying here." James tries to keep calm. "Dev is really sick and I've had cancer before, so I'm pretty sure I know how to care for her more than anyone else."

Okay, so Logan won't argue with that. James definitely has a lot of experience and knowledge when it comes to caring for a cancer patient. However, Devonne's family has been through this before. They can handle it!

"Let's just go home." He says, putting out his cigarette. James does the same and the two boys quietly exit the building. Logan hands James a breath mint before taking one for himself. They wouldn't wanna have cigarette breath. As he stated before, James is the only one that knows that he still smokes. Some secrets need to stay secrets.

* * *

Devonne is amazed that her parents have actually allowed her to live alone. Of course, she doesn't know how much longer that'll last. Her parents are ready to move in and her sisters have been trying to convince her parents to hire a live-in nurse. She wants neither of those things. She may have a life threatening illness, but she _will not _lose her independence.

Sure, she's kneeling in front of the toilet, puking her guts out, but that won't stop her from having some level of independence. She's still capable of making her own meals and she has a very nice neighbor that has offered to come over and clean up for her. She would do it herself, but chemotherapy has made her kind of week.

One thing she has noticed is that she's a few days late for...that time of month. Is that a side effect of the chemo? She didn't think it was. The only other thing she can think of is...oh no. She's in the middle of cancer treatment. She can't be expecting a child right now. Chemotherapy can be dangerous during the first trimester.

Although she's not exactly feeling good, she has to find out what's going on. She flushes the toilet, quickly brushes her teeth, and grabs her purse and car keys, exiting the apartment. One time! She and James made love one time and that's it! That one time couldn't have possibly gotten her pregnant!

Getting into her car, she starts the vehicle, backing out of the parking space. By the way, she only has to stay at home for a few days after chemo, then she can go wherever she wants until the next time. She's just going to go to the store and pick up a pregnancy test, take it, and then decide what she needs to do.

Considering the current situation, she doesn't know if she can have a child.

* * *

**Pregnant**

Devonne gasps, sitting on the bathroom floor. Seriously? This can't happen right now. She has cancer and James has a career. They can't be parents right now. Yeah, they've talked about having kids in the future, but they weren't planning on starting their family so soon. She cannot do this. Something has to be done.

She can only think of one option. It's a controversial decision, she's normally very against such a decision, but it's the only decision she can think of. She has learned that chemo is dangerous in the early months of pregnancy. If she chose to keep the child, she would have to stop chemo. If she stops chemo, she might die. She doesn't wanna die.

She gets up and walks to the kitchen, grabbing the phone book off the counter. When she finds the number she's looking for, she dials it on her cell phone, waiting for the secretary to pick up. She has to put a stop to this before it kills her. Of course, it's still gonna kill her in a way because the thought of getting rid of her baby breaks her heart.

"Planned Parenthood, how may I help you?"

"Um, hi." Devonne says weakly. "I would like to schedule an appointment."

* * *

"Honey, you can call Devonne later." Mama Knight says, forcing James to sit at the dining table. He's been trying to call his girlfriend to check on her, but she hasn't been answering. He doesn't understand why. Is she okay? Is she feeling bad? She promised that she would always answer the phone, so he gets scared when she doesn't.

"Mama Knight, please," He begs. "I _have _to call her again."

Mama Knight sighs. "Very well, but please don't stay on too long. I really want you to have dinner with us."

James thanks her and whips out his cell phone, walking to his and Kendall's room. He dials Devonne's number again, praying that she'll answer. The other times he's called, the line has been busy. She's probably talking to her mom, but she's hopefully available now. Considering her condition, he worries a lot. He can't help it!

"Hello?"

"Hey, babe." He smiles. "How are you feeling?"

"G-good." Devonne stutters. James frowns, confused by the tone of her voice. She sounds like she has been crying. Why? He wishes that she were more open with him, but she rarely talks about her feelings. Whenever something is going wrong, she won't talk to him about it. He would prefer if she did, though.

"You okay?"

"Y-yeah! I'm fine."

James doesn't like the way she sounds, so dejected and upset. He wonders if he has any chance of getting her to talk. He doesn't wanna pry, but he would really like to know what's upsetting his girl so he can make her feel better.

"Dev, I don't think I believe you."

"Jay, I'll talk you later!"

"Dev-"

"Bye." And she hangs up, something that he'll never understand. He just wanted to know what was wrong. She seemed irritated when he simply informed her that he knew she wasn't fine. She doesn't usually get irritated with him, at least not very often. Well, he can guarantee that he'll be having a serious talk with her tomorrow.

"James, it's time to eat!"

"Coming!"

He gets off the bed, leaving his phone, but carrying his worries with him.

* * *

**Gosh, I hope the pregnancy thing doesn't seem too random. I've had this planned for a while and no website has said that it's not possible for a woman with cancer to become pregnancy. I did learn that chemotherapy is dangerous in the first trimester, though.**

******I really want this story to be realistic, so I guess I'm a little paranoid:P**

******Review! :D**


	7. Goodbye, Sweet Angel

**Before you read this chapter, I just want to warn you that Devonne does get an abortion in this one. I know that it's a very controversial issue, but Devonne isn't aborting the pregnancy because she doesn't want the baby. She's doing it because of her cancer. Many cancer treatments can be harmful to an unborn child.**

The next day, James goes to Devonne's apartment in hopes of getting her to open up about whatever was going on yesterday. She needs to understand that she can't hold everything back. She would have to learn how to let him in. He knows that she probably doesn't wanna be a burden, but he just wants her to talk to him.

"Hey, Dev, you-" He stops in the living room, where Devonne is digging through her purse. In just a short while, she has lost quite a bit of weight. That's not his only concern, though. He's more concerned about why she's looking through her purse. She keeps mumbling something that sounds like "Where are my car keys?" Why is she looking for her car keys?

"You looking for these?" He asks, grabbing her car keys off the bar.

"Thanks." Devonne answers, taking the car keys. She starts walking toward the door, but James grabs her. Where is she going? She looks sad and almost about to cry, which he doesn't get at all. Oh, they definitely need to have a talk. She was acting weird when he talked to her last night and she's acting weird now.

"Okay, what is going on?" He asks sternly.

"James-"

"Baby, just tell me." He begs. Devonne touches his cheek, a tear falling down her cheek. He wipes the tear away, a frown on his face. She takes his hand and pulls it toward her stomach, letting more tears fall. What is she trying to say? When he looks into her eyes, he figures it out. His eyes widen and his jaw drops in disbelief.

"I'm pregnant."

"But Dev-" He starts to say. Pregnancy and cancer don't mix well. Many chemo drugs can be dangerous for an unborn child. If she's pregnant, she's gonna have to stop chemo. Well, this is quite a dilemma.

"Jay, we won't have to worry much longer." Devonne opens the door. "I have an appointment at Planned Parenthood in thirty minutes. I'm getting an abortion."

James almost cries as his girlfriend walks out the door. He finally gets the strength to follow her downstairs and to her car, stepping in front of her. They needed to think about this carefully. Being pregnant while undergoing cancer treatment might be risky, but they might regret ending their child's life.

"Think about what you're doing." He begs, holding her hands. "This is our baby we're talking about."

He knows that Devonne is thinking about her health, but he's scared. He never thought that he would be in this position. If there's any way to keep both Devonne and the baby, he would love to know. He believes that, with a little practice, he could become a really good daddy. He and Devonne could get married and raise their son or daughter together.

"Jay, I have to do this." Devonne tells him. "If I chose to go through with this pregnancy, I would have to stop chemo. Then I might die. If I continued chemo, it could hurt the baby and I might still die. This hurts me as much as it hurts you, but it has to be done."

"Fine." James's voice cracks. "But I'm coming with you...and I'm driving."

He takes Devonne to the passengers side and helps her in, then he gets behind the wheel. He's trying so hard not to try, but it's a tough battle. They're about to abort their baby, their sweet little baby. James has never been very good at commitment, but he would take responsibility for his and Devonne's child.

As he drives, he feels Devonne's hand rubbing his shoulder and bicep. He hopes that she knows how much this is killing him. He feels sick to his stomach as he drives to that clinic, where Devonne is paying a doctor to _kill _their baby. He hates abortion, but he's allowing Devonne to do this because he cares about her life. He just wishes that there was a way to save her and their baby.

When he parks in front of Planned Parenthood, tears finally begin falling down his face. He rests his head against the steering wheel, while Devonne strokes his hair. This is the worst day of his life. Being diagnosed with Leukemia at seventeen was bad enough, but this...this is just too much.

"Let's just go." Devonne whispers, getting out of the car. James wipes his tears first, then he reluctantly follows her into the clinic. He takes a seat in the waiting room while Devonne walks up to the receptionist, giving the woman her name. She is given some paperwork to sign, at least that's what James is assuming.

He bends over and buries his face in his hands, taking deep breaths. He's never gonna be able to get over this. How could he be so irresponsible? He shouldn't have let their relationship get to a physical level. If he hadn't, Devonne wouldn't have ever gotten pregnant and she wouldn't be getting an abortion.

"Look, I don't wanna do this anymore than you do." She murmurs. James scoffs, still holding back tears. He feels like his heart has been ripped out of his chest. He's absolutely horrified about what they're doing. Deep down, he knows that it's for the best, but he has a feeling that this is gonna scar him for him. He won't be able to look at another baby again without crying.

"Yeah," He replies. "I know."

* * *

Five hours later, Devonne is in a recovery room...with James, of course. She's tired, but that's nothing compared to the emotional pain that she's feeling. That's it. Their baby is...gone. They won't get to see Devonne's stomach grow to the size of a beach ball, they won't be driving her to the hospital in nine months, and they won't get to experience the joy of holding their child for the first time.

Strangely, she hasn't cried since the procedure was done. She's sitting on a bed with James beside her. He's not looking at her, which really hurts. Somehow this seems to be hurting him more than her. It kills her, but there's something different about James's reaction. She assumed that he would be okay with this, since he's not really a big fan of responsibility or commitment, but this hurting him more than Devonne expected.

"Our baby is dead, Dev." James croaks. "We just let a complete stranger kill our sweet, innocent little baby."

"Jay, I'm normally pro-life, but I had to do this." Devonne explains, forcing him to look at her. "If I kept the pregnancy and continued chemo, it could kill me and the baby. If I stopped chemo, it could kill me and the baby. I know it might not seem like the right thing now, but you'll see that it was for the best."

She wipes some of his tears away, leaning in for a kiss. James rests his forehead against hers and Devonne begins crying herself. Oh, who is she kidding? A woman with cancer can give birth to a perfectly healthy baby. She's gonna live with this regret for the rest of her life. You know, however long that might be. Could be a few months, could be a few years.

"I am so stupid!" She cries.

"No..." James whispers, his voice breaking. "You're not."

"I just feel so guilty." Devonne whimpers.

"Dev, we both had a part in this." James tells her. "We took our relationship to the next level and conceived a child."

Devonne knows that he's right. It takes two to make a baby. She just wishes that she didn't have cancer. If she wasn't sick, she would have kept this baby and she would have raised it with James's help. He hasn't completely grown up yet, but he would be an amazing dad. She has to beat this illness because all she wants is to spend her life with her amazing guy. She loves him so much.

"Okay, Devonne, you can go home now." Her nurse, Savannah, says sweetly. The staff members are really nice. They've been especially kind to her. She explained her whole situation to the doctor, the nurses, and the secretary, so they've been extra friendly. Hey, who doesn't feel sympathy for a cancer patient? Especially one that is getting an abortion to (hopefully) save her life.

"Thank you." Devonne says quietly.

"You have all the aftercare instructions the doctor gave you, right?"

"Sure did." Devonne says, grabbing her purse and following James out of the room. She's trying her best to keep calm and not make herself feel too bad, but she has a genuine feeling that she just made the biggest mistake of her life.

* * *

James goes home three hours later, at six in the afternoon. He knew that he probably looked horrible, but this has been a very rough day. He spent five hours of his day with his girlfriend at an abortion clinic. He almost felt tempted to try and talk her out of it, but he also knew that they were doing what was best for both Devonne and their child.

"Hey, man!" Kendall greets. "Why didn't you call?"

"I was with Dev." James murmurs, walking to their room. He shuts the door behind him and sinks onto his bed, letting tears slip from his eyes. If he could say anything to that innocent little baby, he would say "I'm so sorry" and "Daddy loves you so much." It's true. He may not have gotten the chance to meet their baby, but he would love it no matter what.

Just thinking about it causes him to burst into sobs. He buries his face in his pillow, crying harder. What kind of person is he? He was stupid enough to drive his girlfriend to an abortion clinic, supporting the death of their unborn child. He use to be so overconfident, but he hated himself right now. In fact, he _loathed _himself.

"Jay?" Carlos asks timidly. "Are you okay?"

The door creaks open before shutting quietly. A hand soon finds itself on his back and he just keeps crying. Only for a little longer, though. Then he sits up and wipes away the remaining tears. He looks at Carlos, who is looking at him with concern. He looks away, sniffling as Carlos's arms wrap around him.

"I don't wanna talk about it." He responds, taking a deep and shaky breath. He saw Carlos nod, relieved that his normally curious friend wasn't pushing him to talk. Well, he's never gonna tell anyone what he and Devonne went through today. He got Devonne pregnant and she got an abortion. He couldn't let anyone know that, not even the people closest to him.

Some things were just meant to be kept a secret.

* * *

**I thought about waiting to upload this chapter after I get a few hours of sleep, then I thought "What the heck! I'll just upload it now."**

**Review! :D**


	8. Secrets Don't Always Stay Secret

Three months pass and Devonne seems to be wasting away before their very eyes. She has lost her hair and she has lost a lot of weight. Right now, she's sitting on the floor with her back against James's chest, watching a movie with him and the guys. James has his arms wrapped around her, his eyes glued to the screen. He would rather go outside and smoke a cigarette, though.

"You okay?" He whispers.

"I'm fine." Devonne murmurs weakly. James looks apprehensive, but he chooses not to argue with her. He just doesn't believe that she's fine. She doesn't look fine. In fact, she looks like she's feeling sick again. Then again, when doesn't she look like that? In just a little over four months, she has become a completely different person. In fact, her doctor seemed concerned by how fast her health was deteriorating.

His hand began moving toward her stomach, then he remembered. Today marks three months since she had the abortion. Neither one of them has had any easy time dealing with it, but they try to act normal, or as normal as they can act, so no one suspects anything. They both feel so ashamed.

He frowns as Devonne turns and buries her face in his chest, wrapping his arms around her. To cover her hairless head, she's wearing a black is just awful. You know, seeing her so sick. It seems like she gets worse every day, rather than better. It's strange because he has always heard that Hodgkin's Lymphoma is one of the most treatable types of cancer.

"Dev, maybe you should go and lay down for a while." Kendall suggests. Devonne nods, looking at James. He helps her off the floor and lifts her into his arms, carrying her toward her room. She can walk, but she's obviously too exhausted today. Sometimes she has good days and sometimes she has bad days. Today is one of her bad days.

"Just rest for a while, okay?" He whispers, kissing her cheek. She doesn't even react to the gesture. She just closes her eyes and falls asleep. James stays seated on the mattress for a few moments, watching his sick girlfriend. This brings back so many terrible memories for him. A while back, he was the one napping all the time and throwing up and...just feeling terrible.

He'll never understand why these things happen.

* * *

Jo Taylor will admit that it's not easy being friend with a Planned Parenthood volunteer. She spent quite a bit of time here last year when she was doing some research for a movie role. She was to play a teenage hip-hop dancer who gets the shock of a lifetime when she becomes pregnant at sixteen. She wanted to learn more about teenage pregnancy, so she thought that this organization would be the place to start.

While doing so, she befriended a volunteer named Amber. The red haired girl had a friend who had gotten an abortion and it inspired her to volunteer and help girls in that same situation. Unfortunately, there are always a lot of protesters outside, so Jo has to enter the building through the back. She has a reputation to uphold, so she can't have people knowing that she's friends with someone associated with this organization.

"Hey, Jo!" The secretary, Victoria, smiles. "I'm assuming you're here to see Amber."

"Yeah." Jo says politely, sitting her handbag down. She crosses her arms and waits patiently, smiling when Amber steps out of another room. She waves at her friend, who looks kind of stressed for some reason. "Hey, what's up with you?"

"Protesters are outside again." Amber complains.

"Yeah, I noticed." Jo answers. She's actually somewhat pro-life herself, but she's not judgmental either. She just couldn't see herself getting an abortion if she were to become pregnant. Amber is pro-choice, but that has no effect on their friendship. They just agreed that they were respect each other's beliefs.

"Hey, have you heard from that Devonne Barton girl?" Victoria asks her.

"Um, Devonne? Yeah, that's my friend James's girlfriend." Jo replies, confused. "Why?"

"Well, she came here three months ago for an abortion." Victoria replies. "She said that she had cancer and couldn't have a child. I'm just wondering how she's doing."

Jo can't even respond at first. Devonne was pregnant? She never said anything to anyone. She and James have been acting weird these last few months, but Jo just assumed that it was because of Devonne's cancer relapse. Other than that, no one has thought anything of it. Man, could life get any weirder?"

"Um, she's fine." She finally replies. "Sick, but I guess she's okay."

* * *

James was finally able to go outside and smoke. The other guys were with Devonne in her room and that gives James plenty of time to smoke at least one cigarette. He should probably get rid of it soon, though. The last thing he needs is for someone to know that he's taken up Logan's nasty habit. Smoking is disgusting, he knows that, but he needs it right now.

"Guys?!"

What is Jo doing here?! Ugh, she showed up at the worst time. Quickly putting out the cigarette, he kicks it off the balcony and reenters the apartment. For some reason, Jo gives him this weird look, which he doesn't understand at all. He frowns when she crosses her arms and taps her foot against the floor. Why does she look so suspicious?

"What?" He shrugs.

"Hey, babe." Kendall greets, giving her a kiss. "What are you doing here?"

"I was visiting my friend Amber at Planned Parenthood and the secretary said that Devonne had been there three months ago for an abortion." Jo explains. All three of James's friends look at him, surprised. Oh my gosh, this is so embarrassing. Are they seriously gonna force him to explain? They have no idea how much it hurt him when Devonne aborted the pregnancy.

"Jay?" Carlos questions timidly. James feels like he's gonna cry. He takes a deep breath and covers his face, trying his best to stay calm. This is bad. This is really bad. He didn't think it would be that hard to keep this whole thing a secret. What will Devonne say when she finds out that their friends know about her pregnancy and abortion?

"Three months ago, Dev found out that she was pregnant with my kid." He finally explains. "I went to her house and found out that she had scheduled an abortion. I went with her and the pregnancy was put to an end. But she only did it because chemo could hurt the baby and if she continued the pregnancy, she would have to stop chemo."

He can't stay here any longer. Without giving anyone a chance to respond, he rushes out of the apartment and down the stairs until he arrives at the bottom step. He sits down and bursts into tears, hoping that no one sees him cry. No one will ever understand what he and Devonne went through.

"Jay!" Kendall calls out. Footsteps get closer until three people are sitting around him. He doesn't really care to be bothered right now, but he supposes that he has no choice. He can't make them leave him alone. He'll just have to sit here and feel humiliated. Besides, his friends have never judged him before.

"Look, we're not upset." Logan says gently.

"Yeah." Carlos nods. "But why didn't you tell us?"

"Because we wanted to forget about it!" James cries. Kendall rubs his back, eyes filled with sadness. James hopes that Jo isn't talking to Devonne about this. She's very delicate right now and she doesn't need any stress. He better go back inside and make sure that everything's okay. Jo is a sweet girl, but she doesn't fully understand the situation.

"I better go inside and make sure that Dev is okay." He sniffles, standing up. He refuses to continue this discussion. It's way too hard and way too painful for him to handle.

* * *

Devonne knows that this isn't her fault, but she's ashamed by her appearance. All thin and hairless and sickly...well, she supposes that there's nothing she can do about it. She might as well have a positive attitude. Her biggest problem is recovering from that horrific abortion experience. If it had been possible, she would have kept that baby.

She looks at her reflection in the mirror, sighing. She just wants to go back to bed, but she can't seem to pull herself away from the mirror. She doesn't even look like herself anymore and she certainly doesn't _feel _like herself. She can't wait until this is all over and she can go back to her normal life.

"Dev, can we talk?"

She turns around to face James, confused as to why he looks like he has been crying. She nods, following him over to the bed. She wonders if he's just thinking about their baby or if he's just tired and stressed out. She hopes that he's gonna tell her what's bothering him. She knows that they need to have a high level of communication to make their relationship work. That's why she has been trying harder to be more open with him.

"Jo was visiting a friend that works at Planned Parenthood and now she and the guys know about the abortion."

"What?" Devonne whispers. She's absolutely horrified by the thought of someone knowing what she and James did. She thought that there was a confidentiality agreement! The staff isn't allowed to tell anyone about anyone else's business. Gosh, why does all this crap keep happening? It's so frustrating!

"They know that you had an abortion." James murmurs. Devonne groans, burying her face in his shoulder. Well, her parents better not find out. They're kind of religious and they're strongly against premarital sex. If they knew that she had gotten pregnant before marriage, who knows what would happen?

"Look, I made them promise that they wouldn't tell anyone else." Her boyfriend assures her. She quietly thanks him, wrapping her arms around his bicep. Maybe life has become one big mess, but at least she and James have each other. They'll get through this together.

* * *

**I'm having so much fun with this story! *happy dance***

**Review! :D**


	9. Marry You

"I love how you convinced the doctor to let me come to Vegas." Devonne smiles, leaning against the door frame.

James smiles in response, adjusting his earpiece. Big Time Rush is currently on their new tour and they're performing in Las Vegas tonight. It's one of his favorite places to visit because it's just so...active and fun! There's a lot to do and it's a fun place to perform. Devonne seems to be having a good time too, even though she doesn't feel very good.

"Before I go on, I would like to ask you something." He tells her, adjusting the collar of his black leather jacket. He smiles as she pushes his hands away, fixing the collar for him. She found a blonde shoulder length wig to wear, so her illness isn't too obvious. She's really thin and pale, but she doesn't look too different than anyone else.

"And what would that be?" Devonne smiles.

"Well, when we were driving down the Strip, I noticed this chapel." James explains, taking her hands in his. "I would like if you and I could go after the show and...maybe get married."

He watches her closely, hoping that she'll say yes. He knows that this isn't the ideal proposal, but it's the best he can do for now. Before her cancer was discovered, he hadn't thought much about marrying her anytime soon, but now he wants to hurry up and make her his wife. He doesn't care if everyone judges them for eloping. At least he'll be married to the love of his life.

"James-"

"Come on." He whispers, resting his forehead against hers. "Marry me."

"Okay..." Devonne says softly. James smiles, giving her a gentle kiss. They both jump when Gustavo screams at him to hurry up. He kisses Devonne's cheek before leaving the dressing room, approaching his bandmates. Kendall squeezes his shoulder and they all wave at Devonne, who eagerly waves back. It's easy to see that she feels bad, but she's still friendly to everyone.

"Hey, there's some screens where you can sit and watch the show from back here." He tells her. She gives him two thumbs up before following one of the crew members to said screens. They don't want her out in the audience with a bunch of people. She'll be a lot safer backstage, away from the large crowd of fans.

Jennifer Woods is their opening act. She's currently finishing up a performance of her new single "Break My Heart." James has to admit that it's one of his favorites from the blonde popstar, who is one third of the mean girl trio The Jennifers. They are the prettiest, most popular, and meanest girls at the Palm Woods.

"She's actually pretty good." Carlos says, watching Jennifer sing and dance along to the popular tune. A couple more minutes pass before the song finally comes to an end and it's the band's turn to perform. James isn't normally nervous about performing, but he hasn't performed in a while. He's still getting use to performing again.

"You've done great on the previous shows, so just relax." Kelly tells him. He nods and takes a deep breath, gulping as the band begins playing "Cruise Control," the opening number. Gosh, he hopes that he doesn't puke in front of everyone. He can't afford to embarrass himself right now. He just has to stay calm and sing their songs.

* * *

"WE DID IT!" Carlos yells when the guys arrive backstage. They're sweaty from performing, but their girls don't care. They run to their boyfriends, giving them hugs and kisses. It's easy to see that Carlos is jealous, since he's single at the moment. So Devonne gives him a hug to make him feel better. He seems to like that.

"Hey, you ready to go?" James whispers in her ear.

"Yeah." She answers, a small smile on her face.

"Where are you dogs going?" Gustavo asks them.

"Out! Just out." James says anxiously, leading Devonne toward the back door. Once they're outside, they walk around to the front the arena and wait for a taxi. When one pulls in front of the venue, they eagerly get into the backseat. Now they can relax and not worry about anyone questioning them.

"Take us to the Marriage License Bureau and then the Little White Wedding Chapel." Devonne tells the driver. The middle aged man huffs and pulls away from the curb, driving out of the parking lot. Well, this is it. James and Devonne are about to elope. It sounds crazy, but it's gonna be beautiful. Devonne can't wait to make James her husband.

Getting their marriage license turns out to be a quick and simple process. Devonne was amazed at how well prepared James was, as if he knew that she would say yes to his proposal.

The minute the taxi arrives at the chapel is the most intimidating and perfect moment of Devonne's life. After James pays the driver, he takes her hand and they enter the beautiful, romantic wedding chapel. It's hard to believe that they're actually here.

"Jay, we don't have an appointment." She warns him.

"Actually, I called and made an appointment during intermission." James winks at her. She looks at him with surprise, finally laughing. Of course he would already have an appointment! Oh, she loves him. It's just too bad that they won't be able to consummate their marriage. They don't need her having another abortion.

"Hi, we're James Diamond and Devonne Barton." He tells the minister. Devonne giggles as James and the older man talk quietly. Of course, her smile fades a bit when the man's face becomes sympathetic. Everyone acts that way when they learn about her cancer. That's one thing she hates about the situation. She gets too much sympathy.

"Let's get you two married." The minister says, leading them down the hallway. They enter a quiet and romantic little church setting, which is decorated perfectly. They may not be having the huge wedding that Devonne dreamed of, but all that matters is that she's getting married to her perfect guy.

"I can't believe we're doing this."

"Just relax." James says gently. Devonne nods, linking her arm with his. She'll admit that this wasn't how she imagined her wedding day. She always thought that she would get married at a country club in a gazebo with all of her friends and family, but she supposes that this will be okay. Once she has beat the cancer, they can have a real wedding.

Taking a deep breath, Devonne rests her head against James's bicep, listening to the minister's every word.

* * *

An hour later, the chapel's parking lot is filled with cheerful laughter coming from a newlywed couple. James and Devonne are now Mr. and Mrs. Diamond. When they step outside, James lifts Devonne into his arms, carrying his new wife to the sidewalk. He flags down a cab, smiling and giving Devonne a passionate kiss.

"Well, you're my wife now." He chuckles.

"And you're my husband." Devonne giggles, pecking his cheek. Just as James sits her down and they start to get into a cab, they hear the all too familiar sound of cameras. Oh no...James would love to hear someone say "Oh, that's not the sound of paparazzi!" No one's gonna say that, though, because it's not true.

"Dev, get in." He whispers, forcing Devonne into the backseat of the cab.

"JAMES, WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT THE CHAPEL?!"

"IS IT TRUE THAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND HAD AN ABORTION?!"

"IS IT TRUE THAT SHE'S PREGNANT AGAIN!"

"IS SHE DYING?!"

That last question is the one that causes him to snap. His eyes narrow, his cheeks turn a light red color, and he raises his fist, punching the offender in the face and breaking his stupid camera. He's too angry to even make Devonne get back in the cab. She's already out, grabbing his shirt and pulling him away from the rude photographer.

"Jay, come on." She begs, trying to make him get in the cab. He's so mad, though! He doesn't know why he let that one remark bother him, but it probably has something to do with his own fears about Devonne's condition. It scares him when anyone, including Devonne herself, talking about her possibly dying.

"I'm going for a walk." He says bitterly, walking away from the group. He catches Devonne shooting the paparazzi a dirty look before following him, which he really didn't want her to do. She needs to take a taxi back to the hotel and get some rest. She shouldn't overexert herself.

"Dev-"

"Jay, we're newlyweds." She reminds him. "And I'm not leaving you for one second."

James takes a deep breath, looking at his new wife. "Let's just get in the cab and go back to the hotel." He takes her hand and they walk back to the cab, where the driver is arguing with the paparazzi. It's kind of funny to watch, but they better hurry up and get out of the view of the photogs.

"What a weird day." Devonne yawns. James nods, a soft smile on his face. He wraps his arm around her shoulders, kissing her forehead. He knows that they're gonna have some explaining to do when they get back to the hotel. Chances are, their parents are gonna try to kill them and the others will just throw a fit.

"Hey, we're married." He grins.

"Yeah," Devonne laughs. "We are."

* * *

"YOU WHAT?!" Mama Knight, Katie, Gustavo, Kelly, and the guys yell in unison.

"We eloped?" James laughs nervously, glancing at Devonne. She's already asleep and he's not about to wake her up. This wedding night is gonna be a lot more romantic once no one is pissed off and he can be alone with his wife. There's gotta be a way that he can make them understand why they did this.

"You promised we would all be each other's best man!" Logan whines. Yeah, they did make such a promise, but it's a promise that needed to be broken. Besides, it's not like he's ever broken a promise to his friends before. He just wanted to marry Devonne before her disease gets any worse. They can surely understand that, right?

"Guys, we have our reasons for doing this, okay?" He pleads. Their annoyed expressions become more understanding, much to his relief. Hopefully he and Devonne can start enjoying their marriage without anyone making them feel guilty for marrying without telling anyone. Anyway, he liked the way they did this. The wedding was quiet, intimate, and spontaneous.

"I guess the dog is right." It's surprising to hear Gustavo speak up first. It's even more surprising that he's agreeing with James.

"Fine." Mama Knight says calmly, reaching out to hug James. "Congratulations, honey."

"What about the cake?!" Carlos and Katie both say.

"There isn't any cake."

"Aww." Carlos pouts.

"It's okay, man." James chuckles. "We'll have cake soon."

"Hey, James?"

"Yeah, Kendork?"

Kendall rolls his eyes, choosing to ignore the irritating nickname. "Why are your knuckles all bruised up?"

James gulps as he looks down at his right hand. Should he confess that paparazzi saw him and Devonne leaving the chapel? Gustavo will probably have a conniption. Then again, he might not! They can never be sure with that man. He's very...unpredictable. That can be a good thing or it can be a bad thing.

"I may have gotten into a tiny little scuffle with some paparazzi." Wow, this is awkward!

"You mean the paparazzi know that you two eloped?" Gustavo asks with an eery sort of calm. All James can muster is a tense smile, rubbing the back of his neck. Next thing he knows, a hand is smacking him behind the head. He never knew how hard Kelly can hit.

"You're an idiot."

"Don't judge me."

* * *

**Yeah, James and Dev eloped! *Bridal March***

**Review!**


	10. From Love To Disaster

**My heart goes out to those affected by the Boston explosions. I've been watching the coverage of today's tragedy and I am appalled at how sick and cruel people can be. My prayers are with the people of Boston**

"Hey, Logan?"

"Yeah?" Logan responds, glancing over at James.

"Could you check Dev's temp?"

"Sure." Logan says, approaching the newlyweds with a thermometer. James touches his wife's cheeks and forehead, frowning. Something's not right. In just a few hours, Devonne's behavior has changed from overjoyed to...blah. All she has been doing is sleep and the fact that she feels warm can't possibly be a good sign. And is that sweat? James has plenty of experience with cancer to know when something's wrong.

"102.5." Logan murmurs. "That's not good."

Obviously! James gulps gulps heavily, touching the hair that makes up the blonde wig. They probably don't need to take her to the hospital yet, but they will if her temperature goes any higher. However, part of him feels like taking her to the hospital now. In a few more hours, they're gonna have to leave for the next stop on their tour.

"Jay, I don't feel good." Devonne says weakly.

"I'm sorry, baby." James whispers, kissing her forehead. It breaks his heart to see her feeling so bad. Her health is the most important thing to him, but he's also sad that it's their wedding night and Devonne is feeling sick. He knows what one possibility could be. She could be getting an infection, which can be very bad for someone with cancer.

"Let's wait another hour or two and if she doesn't get any better, we'll take her to the hospital." Logan says softly. James nods, tears in his eyes. It was scary enough when he was the sick one, but it's just as bad watching someone else fight cancer. He never thought that he would ever have any personal experience with something so horrible. Cancer is a horrible thing. He can be proud of himself because he won the fight, but now he's watching someone else deal with it.

"Hey, you wanna go outside for a smoke?" Logan offers.

"Yeah, just let me get Kendall and Carlos to watch Dev." James says, looking over at Kendall and Carlos. They're asleep in their sleeping bags, which they got so all four boys could share one room. "Guys! Can you watch Dev for me? Logan and I are gonna go out for a little bit."

"Yeah, sure." Kendall mutters tiredly. Carlos nods in agreement with the band's leader, his eyes still closed. Logan motions for James to follow him. They exit the room and walk toward the elevator. No one knows that the two boys are smokers and James prays that no one ever finds out. He's quite ashamed for taking up the habit, but these past few months have been terribly stressful.

"When we came to Las Vegas, I didn't think you were gonna marry her." Logan says as the elevator doors finally open. James shrugs as they walk toward the front doors, eager to get some nicotine into his system. He needs something to calm his nerves. He's so concerned that Devonne may be getting an infection.

Once they're outside, Logan takes out a pack of cigarettes, getting one for himself and one for James. They sit next to each other on the concrete, lighting up the cigarettes. James just had a thought. What if paparazzi catch them smoking? They already got pictures and video of him and Devonne leaving that wedding chapel.

"Are you ever gonna try to quit?" He asks his friend. Logan just shrugs in response, inhaling the smoke. Well, James would like to try. He doesn't wanna end up with a bunch of health problems. He knows that smoking is a big mistake. He can't believe that Logan does it! Ever since he got sick, the "Big Time Brain" has changed so much.

"You should."

"James, you're doing the same thing, you know." Logan points out. James sighs, realizing that Logan has a decent point. He's a smoker too, so he really has no room to judge. Ugh, whatever. He just wants to relax and forget about his problems. This isn't how his first night as a married man should be.

They only puff on their cigarettes for a few more minutes, but they stay outside for an hour. That is, until James gets a call from Kendall, letting him know that Devonne's fever has gone up to 104.2. The two boys get off the ground and run back into the hotel, rushing back to their room. They find Kendall holding a sleeping and sweaty Devonne in his arms.

"Her temp is going up way too fast." Kendall tells them.

"Dev, we're gonna get you to the hospital, okay?" James says, taking her into his arms. He cringes at how sweaty she is, following his friends out the door. It would be great if they had a rental car, but they don't, so they have to settle for a taxi. When they inform the driver of said taxi, the man's face pales and he speeds down the street, immediately heading toward the hospital.

* * *

"Aren't you guys gonna get wedding rings?" Carlos frowns, looking at James's ringless hand.

"Yeah, when we get back to LA." James answers sadly, looking around the waiting room. Carlos sighs, looking at his worried friend. It turns out that they were right about Devonne having an infection. They don't know how she got it, but Carlos is guessing that being out so much earlier probably wasn't the best idea.

"Jay, I'm sure she's fine." Kendall assures him, squeezing his shoulder. Carlos hopes that Kendall is right. He doesn't want anyone to be sad. He doesn't want Devonne to be sick anymore. He doesn't want a lot of things! He just wants everyone to be happy and think happy thoughts about kittens!

"This is _not _a romantic wedding not." He says bitterly.

"Carlos, it's not your wedding night anyway." Gustavo retorts. Carlos rolls his eyes, pouting. He just wants that doctor to come back out and tell them that Devonne is okay, then they can get her out of here and continue their tour. She'll continue resting, of course, because that's what someone in her condition should do.

"She'll be okay." Mama Knight tells James, rubbing his back.

Carlos hopes that she's right. If Devonne were to die, he doesn't know what would happen. Besides, he loves her like a sister. She can be a know-it-all sometimes, but she's a fun girl to hang out with. She bakes some delicious chocolate chip cookies. Not to mention what her dying would do to James. It would kill him!

"I've got such a headache." James murmurs, resting his head on Mama Knight's shoulder. Carlos gets up from his seat and walks over to them, thanking Kendall as the blonde haired boy allows Carlos to take his seat. The short Latino wraps his arms around James, sighing softly. This tour was going perfectly fine until this happened. It's great that James and Devonne got married, then Devonne caught an infection and their wedding night turned to crap.

"Hey, look on the bright side, at least you don't have to spend a bunch of money on a honeymoon." He suggests. He yelps when Logan smacks his shoulder, grumbling under his breath. He was just trying to cheer his friend up! James looks so tired and stressed out, so Carlos thought that he could get a laugh or two from the poor guy.

"I could have carried Dev down the aisle." Kendall adds.

"Guys-" Logan groans.

"Hey, let's just have some peace and quiet." Kelly suggests. Carlos whines, crossing his arms. He glances over at James, noticing that Mama Knight is running her fingers through his hair. You know, Carlos is gonna sit here and pray that everything will turn out okay. It sucked watching James fight cancer, but at least he won the fight. Then again, his cancer could always come back in a few years.

Well, that's a scary thought.

Anyway, prayers are definitely needed.

* * *

"Devonne Barton?"

They look toward the waiting room entryway, becoming tense when they see the doctor. He looks serious and solemn, yet professional. Logan use to aspire to be a doctor himself, then James got sick and it kind of turned him off. He doesn't know if he could stand to work around so much pain and suffering.

"Is her family here?" The doctor asks them.

"We haven't called them yet." Mama Knight explains. "Just talk to us."

"Well, we tried to bring Devonne's fever down, but it's not down by much. Her immune system is very weak and being out as much as she was today, well, wasn't very healthy for her. Her body has a hard time fighting off germs and she can get sick very easily. She just woke up a few minutes ago, if you'd like to come and see her."

"How is she?" Gustavo asks adamantly. Kendall, Logan, and Carlos inhale, reaching out to James. The doctor doesn't look very happy. If he had any positive news, he would be a lot more enthusiastic. What's wrong?

"Well, we're not sure if she's gonna make it." The doctor explains. "The infection has really taken a toll on her body."

Logan's head snaps toward James. It's easy to see that he's about to cry. Without a second thought, Logan wraps his arms around the boy, letting James sob into his shoulder. This is awful. That doctor doesn't seriously think that Devonne is gonna die, does he? She can't! She's only twenty two years old and she has done nothing to deserve an early death.

"Jay, don't listen to him." Carlos says tearfully. "She'll make it."

"We don't know that, though." Kendall says softly. Okay, when did he turn into the pessimistic one?

"Don't say that, Kendall!" Carlos snaps.

"Dude, I'm just saying that we need to be realistic!" Kendall argues. "Did you not see her before she was taken into the emergency room? She looked like she was already dying!"

"Okay, that's enough!" Logan yells. He tightens his arms around James, his own eyes filling with tears. He doesn't wanna think about Devonne losing her life. He wants to think about her surviving, beating cancer, returning to college, and continuing her volunteer work at the hospital. She better make it. Otherwise, Logan won't know what to do.

Why does there have to be so much tragedy in the world?

* * *

**I'm not sure what Devonne's fate should be:( Help?**

**Review! :D**


	11. When You're Gone

**Well, with the help of my reviewers, I decided Devonne's fate:/ I was so conflicted because I don't want to lose any readers:O**

"She'll be okay." Carlos says softly. "She has to be."

James sniffles as he holds the hand of his unconscious wife. She's been sleeping for hours now. The doctor said that she probably won't make it through the night and it's almost three, which means that she might only have a few hours left on this earth. James doesn't understand! He has been hold that Hodgkin's Lymphoma is very treatable! Was that a lie? Or is his wife gonna be one of those rare cases?

He gently kisses her hand, tears rolling down his cheeks. He can't believe all the crap they've went through in the past few months. There was the miscarriage and Devonne's cancer. Now the doctor is saying that she might die. If it weren't for her illness, they could be preparing for the arrival of their little baby right now.

"Mmmm..."

"Dev?" He questions, his voice cracking. "Baby, wake up."

Devonne's eyes slowly open and James nearly cries. When she sees his tearstained face, she touches his face and wipes any remaining tears away. He leans down and rests his forehead against hers, trying his best not to start sobbing. This is suppose to be their wedding night! It's not suppose to be like this!

"Hi..." She murmurs tiredly.

"Hi, baby." James whimpers. He can't bear to think of possibly losing his wife only hours after their very unexpected wedding. It could have been the best night of their lives, but it's turning into a huge disaster. Why did it have to be this way? James will never be able to understand how bad things can happen to good people.

"I know what's going on." Devonne tells him. "The doctor doesn't think I'm gonna make it."

James shakes his head, trying not to cry. He wants to be strong for her, but it's so hard. They're just sitting here, waiting for her to possibly die. How can he possibly stay strong in such a tragic situation? Devonne is twenty two years old. She's too young to die! Well, if she dies, then James doesn't know what he's gonna do.

"Listen, you can't leave me, okay?" He whispers tearfully.

"Jay, if I do pass, you've gotta be strong." Devonne says, holding his hand. "Continue Big Time Rush, fall in love again, and lean on your loved ones for support. Don't do anything crazy or stupid, got that?"

James doesn't know if he can make that promise. He's gonna be traumatized if Devonne dies, so he doesn't see how she can expect him to promise that he won't completely lose his mind. She might die on their wedding night, which should be a joyful time. He's pretty sure that he'll never get over it.

"I-"

"I'm serious." Devonne tells him. "You've gotta stay strong, baby."

"No-" James whispers tearfully. Devonne gives him a soft kiss and he starts crying again, burying his face in her shoulder. He doesn't want her to leave him. They could have an amazing life together! After the tour is finished, he was thinking that they could start looking for their own home, whether it be a house or an apartment. He wants to start their life together.

"Jay, I think you need to go to the cafeteria for a little bit." Kendall murmurs, pulling James away from the bed. Devonne gives the boys a sad smile before closing her eyes, falling back to the sleep. James tries to get back to her, but his friends are too strong for him. Together, they are able to pull him out of the room.

* * *

_"Devonne, I'm afraid you might not make it through the night."_

Devonne was terrified when she heard those words. Thank God that her parents aren't here yet. If she's gonna die, she doesn't want them to be here when she does. In fact, she has an idea. If she's not gonna make it through the night anyway, would it be so bad if she took her own life? She couldn't be sentenced to hell for that, right? After all, the doctor already told her that she would probably die.

Besides, she's tired of this suffering. In this case, she thinks that suicide wouldn't be so wrong. It's time to face the fact that this cancer isn't gonna get better. Eventually, whether it be tonight or another day, she's gonna lose her life. She might as well put an end to her life now. The question is exactly how she can do it.

She sighs as she grabs a notebook and pen off the end table. She's so close to crying, but she holds back any tears. She knows that suicide is wrong. She's even against it! However, she'll probably be dead by five, so she doesn't see why it's such a big deal for her to take matters into her own hands? If she's gonna leave this earth, she's gonna do it the fast and painless way.

_Dear James,_

_I know that this probably isn't how you imagined our wedding night. It's not how I imagined it either. I always pictured us having a big, beautiful outdoor wedding with all of our family and friends. Maybe even an MTV special? Just kidding. Silly me and my sense of humor. Anyway, I am going to explain to you why I wrote this, so don't worry._

_When you read this letter, it's likely that I'll already be gone from this earth. Suicide isn't something that I approve of, but I think it was the best thing in my situation. Cancer hurts, Jay. I know that you know that, having been a victim of the illness yourself. However, you won your fight, but I've been fighting a losing battle. It was time for me to leave anyway, so I just dealt with it myself._

_I don't want to hurt you. No, that's not my intention. I'm just ready to be with Jesus. He needs me in Heaven, Jay. But I just want you to know that I will always be looking out for you, even though you can't see me. Since I'll be watching you, I want to see you live a happy, successful life. I want Big Time Rush to keep making music, I want you to find love again, I want you to start a family with that lucky girl, and so much more._

_Speaking of starting a family, remember our baby? It broke my heart when we had to end my pregnancy. I didn't wanna do that, Jay, but that child wouldn't have survived anyway. I do think that you would have been an amazing dad, though. As crazy and self absorbed you can be sometimes, you would have been a wonderful daddy. Our baby would have adored you._

_Take care of your friends, okay? Especially Logan. With the issues that he's had, sometimes I worry that me dying might cause him to relapse. Don't let him turn back to drugs and alcohol, okay? Don't mess with that stuff yourself, okay? Just stay sober and take good care of your friends._

_Make sure Carlos doesn't get hurt when he does any of his silly little stunts. I know about him trying to bungee jump off the Palm Woods roof, which I don't understand at all. I think you get what I'm saying. Just keep him out of trouble._

_Kendall may the leader, but he needs you too. He's a tough guy, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't need someone to care for him. Be there for him like he has been there for you._

_I have one more favor to ask from you. Be there for my family. Since I can no longer be there to comfort them, do it for me. Even if they try to push you away, don't give up. They need someone to support them and comfort them in the years following my passing. I don't like to use the word 'death' because I don't like to think of myself as 'dead.' I've just moved on, but my spirit is still very much alive._

_Most importantly, don't forget me._

_I love you._

_Love, Devonne (AKA Mrs. Diamond)_

Devonne folds up the paper and places it on the over bed table, looking at the bottle of painkillers that a nurse left on the end table. This is it. It's time for her to leave this earth. As much as she hates to leave her loved ones, this is for the best. They'll realize this someday. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but they'll eventually realize that it was the right thing to do.

She reaches over and grabs the pill bottle, letting tears fall down her face. She pours the whole bottle into her hand, staring at them for a moment. She pours the pills into her mouth, then closes the bottle and quickly sits it on the end table again. Relaxing into the pillows, she swallows the pills, taking a deep breath.

She feels frustrated when they don't work right away. Of course, she does begin feeling drowsy after a few minutes, much drowsier than normal. She likes the feeling of relaxation that begins to come over her. Seriously, how long is gonna take for her to die? She knows that she probably sounds a little too eager, but if she's meant to die, then she wants to get it over with.

Well, it probably takes some time.

All she really knows is that she wants the very best for all of her loved ones.

* * *

"WE'VE GOT AN EMERGENCY IN ROOM 419!"

Gustavo, Kelly, the guys, Mama Knight, and Katie all look up as a bunch of medical staff members run past the cafeteria. 419 is Devonne's room...OH MY GOD! They all jump up from their seats and run out of the cafeteria, desperately searching for an available elevator. When they found one, they head straight to the fourth floor.

"What's going on?!" James yells at one of the doctors.

"She's going into cardiac arrest!" The man answers before rushing into the room. Kendall's eyes fill with tears as he pulls James into a hug, holding his friend close. This should have been a great day. They're on tour, James and Devonne got married, and they have a new album that was recently released. Instead, it's turning into a disaster.

"Jay, they're helping her." He says weakly as James sobs into his shoulder.

"WE'RE LOSING HER!"

Kendall tries his best not to cry as he rubs James's back, wanting to comfort his friend. This is not how he imagined their day was gonna start. If it weren't for this, they would be on a bus to Phoenix right now. Gustavo is already talking about postponing upcoming tour dates until this is all sorted out.

"You okay?" He asks Logan, who is looking through the viewing window as the doctors struggle to save Devonne's life. He doesn't respond, which is kind of concerning. Kendall reaches out and rubs his other friend's shoulder, watching as Carlos reaches out to hug Logan. This has been the worst day ever.

"CLEAR!"

"CLEAR!"

"CLEAR!"

"Time of death, 4:50 am."

Kendall sinks to the floor with James in his arms, burying his face in the boy's shoulder as they cry together. Next thing he knows, Logan and Carlos are on the floor with them, both of them crying as well. So this is it. Devonne is gone. In just a matter of a few hours, Devonne went from hanging out backstage at their show to her death bed.

Kendall supposes that many tragedies do happen when you least expect them to. He just wishes that this were a horrible dream.

* * *

**Don't hate me just yet! Yes, she does die here, but I'm going to do like I did with How To Love and write a What If? story where she survives and everyone is happy:) I'm just satisfying my angst craving *shrug***

**Review!**

**EDIT: I also want to let you know that Play With Fire will be updated either today or tomorrow:) Relapse is my baby, but I haven't forgotten about Play With Fire! As far as that story goes, there's a lot more action and excitement coming up!**


	12. The Breakdown Begins

"Suicide?" Mr. Barton questions, his arms wrapped around his inconsolable wife. "Our daughter committed suicide?"

"Sir, we found a note that she left." Doctor Ackerman explains.

James is a wreck right now. He's no longer crying, but his face is all red and blotchy, so it really doesn't matter. Logan is hugging the boy as he, Kendall, and Carlos comfort him. Logan can't believe that this is happening. He was just starting to believe that Devonne might pull through and beat the cancer, then she took her own life. Why? Couldn't she have held on for a little longer?

"What did the note say?" Devonne's dad asks, his voice cracking.

"It's actually addressed to her husband." Doctor Ackerman answers as he hands a folded up sheet of paper to Mama Knight, who hands it to James. The three boys watch as James unfolds the letter, looking over his shoulder. There are some stains on the paper that indicate that Devonne was crying as she wrote this.

_Dear James,_

_I know that this probably isn't how you imagined our wedding night. It's not how I imagined it either. I always pictured us having a big, beautiful outdoor wedding with all of our family and friends. Maybe even an MTV special? Just kidding. Silly me and my sense of humor. Anyway, I am going to explain to you why I wrote this, so don't worry._

_When you read this letter, it's likely that I'll already be gone from this earth. Suicide isn't something that I approve of, but I think it was the best thing in my situation. Cancer hurts, Jay. I know that you know that, having been a victim of the illness yourself. However, you won your fight, but I've been fighting a losing battle. It was time for me to leave anyway, so I just dealt with it myself._

_I don't want to hurt you. No, that's not my intention. I'm just ready to be with Jesus. He needs me in Heaven, Jay. But I just want you to know that I will always be looking out for you, even though you can't see me. Since I'll be watching you, I want to see you live a happy, successful life. I want Big Time Rush to keep making music, I want you to find love again, I want you to start a family with that lucky girl, and so much more._

_Speaking of starting a family, remember our baby? It broke my heart when we had to end my pregnancy. I didn't wanna do that, Jay, but that child wouldn't have survived anyway. I do think that you would have been an amazing dad, though. As crazy and self absorbed you can be sometimes, you would have been a wonderful daddy. Our baby would have adored you._

_Take care of your friends, okay? Especially Logan. With the issues that he's had, sometimes I worry that me dying might cause him to relapse. Don't let him turn back to drugs and alcohol, okay? Don't mess with that stuff yourself, okay? Just stay sober and take good care of your friends._

_Make sure Carlos doesn't get hurt when he does any of his silly little stunts. I know about him trying to bungee jump off the Palm Woods roof, which I don't understand at all. I think you get what I'm saying. Just keep him out of trouble._

_Kendall may the leader, but he needs you too. He's a tough guy, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't need someone to care for him. Be there for him like he has been there for you._

_I have one more favor to ask from you. Be there for my family. Since I can no longer be there to comfort them, do it for me. Even if they try to push you away, don't give up. They need someone to support them and comfort them in the years following my passing. I don't like to use the word 'death' because I don't like to think of myself as 'dead.' I've just moved on, but my spirit is still very much alive._

_Most importantly, don't forget me._

_I love you._

_Love, Devonne (AKA Mrs. Diamond)_

Logan's eyes fill with tears, with one making its way down his cheek. A whimper comes from James and suddenly, their grieving friend is standing up and rushing out of the waiting room. Logan is the one to go after him, not wanting James to do anything stupid. He's gonna need a lot of love and support as he goes through this.

He sees James enter an elevator, but it's too late to catch up to him. Instead of wasting time waiting for the elevator, Logan decides to just take the stairs. He needs to find James and make sure that the poor guy isn't gonna hurt himself. Besides, Logan feels like he's gonna break down himself.

"James, where are you?" He murmurs as he hurries down the stairs. "James!"

He doesn't waste any time when he gets to the first floor. When he makes it into the main lobby, he sees James leaving the elevator. "James!"

James doesn't acknowledge him, instead choosing to walk out the front doors without saying a single word. It's easy to see that he's crying, though. Man, Logan hates cancer. If Devonne hadn't gotten sick, they wouldn't be in this situation. What's gonna happen to their tour now? James won't be able to perform in this condition.

"James!" He yells, following his friend around the corner. He watches from a distance as James takes out a pack of cigarettes, taking one out. He's just about ready to cry himself as James lights up, inhaling the smoke. Why did he ever introduce his best friend to those stupid nicotine sticks? What kind of friend is he?

James's back slides down the wall as he sinks to the ground in tears. Logan doesn't know what to do. He wants to console James, yet he also feels like his friend might wanna be left alone. Finally, he decides on the first option. He reluctantly approaches James, sitting next to him. Slowly, he reaches out and pulls the newly widowed guy into a hug.

"Why didn't my stupid cancer kill me?!" James sobs.

"No, don't say that." Logan begs. He couldn't stand the thought of James dying. "Please don't say that."

James exhales a cloud of smoke, still crying. It breaks Logan's heart to see so much pain in his best friend's eyes. If Devonne had died naturally, Logan wouldn't be angry with her, but she took her own life when it's possible that the doctors could have been wrong. There were times when they all suspected that James wouldn't survive, but he did. What Devonne did was selfish.

"I had a little bit of hope that she might make it, but she decided to end her life." James cries. Logan gulps as he wipes James's tears away, feeling his heart break more and more. He doesn't understand how Devonne could do this to would think she'd have more concern for James's feelings.

"Well," He hesitates. "I...I guess she thought that she wasn't gonna live anyway, so she might as well take matters into her own hands."

That's ridiculous, though. It's no one's job to decide when their life should end. When someone passes away, it should be because it was time for them to pass away, not because they decided to call the shots and commit suicide. It still would have been upsetting if the cancer had killed her, but at least it wouldn't have been a self inflicted death.

"Put the cigarette out." He says gently, taking the cigarette from James. He puts it out before giving James another hug. All he really knows is that James won't be alone. His loved ones will take care of him.

* * *

"Honey, you need to go back to the hotel and rest for a while." Mama Knight says gently, pushing James toward the tour bus. He knows that she's probably right, but there's no way that he's gonna be able to sleep. He went from being a joyful newlywed to a devastated widower in less than twenty four hours. What the hell is up with that?

"You boys all look tired." Kelly agrees as the bus doors open. They let James onto the bus first, even though he's rather just stay outside in the pouring rain. If he's lucky, he could freeze to death. Really, he doesn't see the point in living anymore. His girlfriend had a cancer relapse, then she had an abortion, and she died just hours after their wedding.

"It's a good thing we had these umbrellas." Kelly says as she and Mama Knight close said umbrellas. James immediately crawls onto his bunk, pulling the covers over his head. He hears Katie say something like "I hope he'll be okay," which makes him roll his eyes. He'll never be okay again. Not after everything that has happened lately.

He also hears Carlos's whimpers. He has no strength to get up and comfort his youngest friend. He's grieving himself, so he doesn't feel like messing with anyone else. He just wants to be left alone.

"Honey, why don't you get cleaned up?" Mama Knight suggests in a saddened voice.

James has to force himself to get out of bed. He hates the way everyone keeps looking at him, something that he doesn't usually mind at all. Today, however, he's really in no mood to be stared at. He may look pathetic and heartbroken, but they surely understand _why _he looks that way.

Once he has gotten his nightclothes, he gets to the restroom as quickly as he can. He slams the door and locks it, dropping the clothes and bursting into tears again. He needs some way to relieve himself. Well, he sees a razor sitting on the sink counter. He's always hated self harm, but he doesn't really care anymore. He grabs the razor and rolls up his shirt sleeve, pressing the blade against his skin.

He feels a sickening kind of pleasure as a bit of blood begins appearing. Although the guilt he feels is strong, his grief is so much stronger.

* * *

**Review! :D**


	13. High

**WARNING: There is some drug use in this chapter. I don't like drugs or alcohol, but I do have my characters use them sometimes because it fits the story**

"I'm canceling the tour." Gustavo says bluntly. James stays at the back of the bus, tears still falling down his face. These past few hours have been the worst of his life. Mama Knight already called his parents and they're anxiously awaiting his return. They were really surprised when they were told about his elopement, but they were more concerned about his emotional well being. Nothing is gonna make him feel better, so they might as well not even try.

"What-"

"We'll make sure everyone that bought a ticket gets a full refund." Gustavo insists when Kelly starts to question his decision. James sits on the couch, sniffling. He hardly got any sleep in the past few hours. He spent most of the time crying, although not alone. Every time he started crying, someone would always get out of bed and comfort him.

"Could someone check on James?" Mama Knight requests. James really doesn't wanna be messed with. He doesn't have any choice, though. Until they get off this bus, he's gonna have people "checking up on him." He's far from being okay, but he just wants some alone time. At the same time, however, he could really use a hug.

He lays down with his head on a soft pillow, pulling a blanket over his tired body. He feels sick to his stomach. He never even got to put an official wedding ring on Devonne's finger. They had been planning to purchase their rings when James returned to Los Angeles, but they'll never have the chance to do that. James does plan on purchasing a wedding band for himself, though. Devonne may be dead, but she's still James's wife.

He doesn't respond as his friends kneel beside him, instead choosing to pull the blanket over his head. That doesn't work in his favor, though. One of the guys gently pulls the blanket away from his face, reaching out to wipe his tears away. He buries his face in the pillow, not wanting anyone to see him.

"Boys, Gustavo and Freight Train want to know if you'd like to get something to eat." Kelly tells them. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan murmur "yeah" in response, but James doesn't really care. He could starve to death for all he cares. He doesn't really care whether he lives or dies. These past few months have been pure hell and he can't stand it anymore.

"Jay, please talk to us." Carlos pleads, rubbing his back.

James turns onto his side, his eyes still closed. The guys don't say anymore, instead allowing him to rest in silence. When the bus comes to a stop, no one even says anything when he refuses to get off the couch. Logan is the only one that doesn't leave to go into the restaurant. Kendall asks if he's coming, but he shakes his head.

"Maybe some music will help." He turns out the radio, but the song being played doesn't help James at all. "If I Didn't Have You," the newest single from country music trio Route 66. Dear God, that was James and Devonne's song. The members in that band don't have the best reputation (one girl and two guys make up the group), but James and Devonne loved their song.

"You know, maybe we should do something else." Logan says awkwardly. "How about TV?" He turns the TV on, turning it to CMT. Okay, what is up with him and country music? The worst part is that the channel is playing the "If I Didn't Have You" music video. It's like he can't escape that song!

"Turn it off." He growls.

"Okay..." Logan turns the TV back off. James gets off the couch and reaches into his gym bag, taking out a pack of cigarettes. He looks at Logan, who motions for him to walk ahead. He really knows that smoking is unhealthy, but he doesn't really care. His life has turned to crap, so he might as well smoke himself to death.

"We'll go behind the building." Logan tells him. That sounds great to James. He can get some nicotine without the risk of someone catching him. He and Logan always find the most secretive places to smoke. They wouldn't want their friends and families knowing about their secret habit. The last thing James needs is people criticizing him for smoking. It's no one else's business anyway.

"I wish I had something a little stronger than this." He breathes out, putting a cigarette between his teeth.

"Jay, this is as far as I'm letting you go." Logan says, lighting his own cigarette. James takes a long drag before exhaling the smoke. He wonders if Devonne is watching him like she promised in her letter. If so, what does she think about him smoking? She's surely disappointed. He doesn't wanna disappoint her.

"Have you ever tried any other drugs before?" He questions.

"I tried marijuana once, but I didn't like it." Logan cringes. James gives him a disbelieving look. He was aware that Logan drank alcohol, smoked cigarettes, and abused painkillers (he broke his ankle a few months ago), but he wasn't aware that his friend had tried any hard core drugs. What else doesn't he know about his friends?

"Yo, that's all you boys got?"

A tall and muscular thug with tattoos covering his arms...wow, he looks scary. Even worse, he's better looking than James. He's gonna kill them, isn't he? James would love to be with Devonne, but he's rather leave this earth in a less violent way.

"Yeah..." Logan says slowly.

"You look like you could use something stronger. I've got a bag of mary jane if you want it." The stranger informs them. "You got twenty bucks on you?"

James looks at Logan, who shrugs and takes out a twenty dollar bill. What they're doing is wrong, James knows that, but his conscience is gone for the moment. Right now, he just wants something to relieve his grief. That's why he's somewhat eager when Logan hands the mystery man the twenty dollars.

"And I know you don't live here in town, so I'm gonna give you the number of a friend of mine that lives in LA."

Mystery man write a number on a sheet of paper, handing it to Logan before disappearing around the corner. Logan looks at James, who gives him a pleading look. Yeah, drugs are bad and illegal. He knows that, but he needs to break the rules just this one time. He can tell that simply looking at Logan is getting to the boy.

"Fine." Logan grumbles, taking out a cigarette. He appears to empty out the tobacco, replacing it with the marijuana. James has never done drugs before, so he's a little nervous. Deep down, he knows how stupid this is, but it won't kill him to relieve himself once, will it? He'll smoke one joint, then they'll get rid of the rest.

"This is the first and_ last_ time we're doing this." Logan says sternly. James rolls his eyes and takes a drag, closing his eyes. He coughs and cringes, but he sucks it up and tries again. Not much happens at first, but after ten minutes or so, he starts to feel...funny. Everything around him appears more entertaining than normal.

"My parents would kill me if they found out." He chuckles.

"Then why the hell are you doing this?" Logan asks, trying not to laugh.

"Because I'm nineteen and they're not the boss of me!" James retorts. Out of nowhere, he throws his arms around Logan and gives his a friend a tight squeeze. It's probably the drug talking, but he loves everything and everyone at the moment. Since Logan is the closest person to him, he can be James's hugging buddy.

"Man, are you trying to kill me?!" Logan finally laughs, pushing him away.

"You know I love you, buddy." James grins, pinching Logan's cheek. He knows how much Logan hates having his cheeks pinched. He's hilarious when he's mad, though. James could use a good laugh right about now. Now, he has a small dilemma. He's _really _hungry, but he and Logan are in no condition to set foot in that restaurant.

"Do that again and I will rip all that pretty hair off your head." Logan threatens. James shrieks and throws his free arm over his head. Logan bursts into a fit of laughter, falling over. Is it just James or is Logan way more fun when he's high? He seems to loosen up a little more. He's usually kind of uptight.

"Whatever." He smirks. "Now, let's get rid of this stuff and get back to the bus. We don't want anyone to know about this, do we?"

"No way." Logan answers, dropping the "special" cigarette. James does the same, then they walk back to the bus. Logan starts mumbling something about needing a nap, which James could use himself. He'd rather that no one find out what they did, so they could probably nap and be somewhat sober when they wake up.

"Hey, here's a mint." James says, reaching into his jeans pocket. They definitely don't need the scent of marijuana on their breath. So they each take two mints, letting the fruity scent replace that of the illegal drug. Once that's taken care of, they crawl onto their bunks for a nice, long nap. Hopefully they'll feel better when they wake up. But James knows that his pain won't go away no matter what he does.

He falls asleep for only two hours, surprised to discover that they are getting close to the California border. Well, that's good to know. On a less positive note, he has a huge headache. He thought that hangovers were only related to alcohol. Okay, here's his decision. He's never doing drugs ever again.

"Hi, baby." Mama Knight says, kneeling beside him. "Did you sleep good?"

Hi? Ugh...

"I've got a headache." He says quietly.

"I'll get you some Aspirin." Mama Knight gently kisses his forehead before going to get the medicine for him. He _almost _wants to laugh when Logan begins awakening, but since the high has pretty much worn off, he's back to being depressed. He just wants to lay around and do nothing for the next week.

"Where-" Logan was obviously about to ask where they were, but James thinks that the kid just figured it out. "Ugh, my aching head."

"You too?" Mama Knight gasps, handing an aspirin and a glass of water to James. Logan shrugs and starts to sit up, yelping when he hits his head on the bunk above him. James rinses down his own pill with the water, softly thanking Mama Knight. She better tend to Logan now, before he does anymore damage to himself.

"We'll arrive in Los Angeles in another hour or so!" Gustavo announces. "Can you dogs wait until then before you do anything stupid?"

"Gustavo, you have nothing to worry about." Kendall insists. "Quite frankly, we all feel like crap and we don't feel like doing anything stupid."

That seems to surprise Gustavo. After all, it's not even noon yet and they've usually done something crazy and random by now. Right now, however, they have zero energy and all they wanna do is go home and rest. James knows that's what he'll be doing. He's not sure if he'll ever be the same again.

* * *

**"If I Didn't Have You" is actually by Thompson Square. I just made a fictional group sing it in the story:)**

**Review! :D**


	14. On The Edge Of Disaster

**WARNING: Smoking and drinking are included in this chapter. I assure you that I do not encourage such behavior, but it's a realistic situation. Although, I sometimes feel like my stories always include at least one character that drinks. I guess I just enjoy the angst that comes with it.**

"You have gotta be kidding me." Kendall grumbles, looking out the window. The bus just parked in front of the Palm Woods and there is a huge crowd of paparazzi waiting for them. Did the media seriously already find out about the drama in Las Vegas? Who told them? Kendall was really hoping that he and his bandmates could have some privacy.

"There is no respect, is there?" Carlos sighs. Kendall nods in agreement. There has never been any respect for celebrities. The paparazzi just wanna make a quick buck. They'll do anything to get their money, including harassing teenagers that just happen to be rich and famous. That's actually kind of creepy.

"Want me to get my chainsaw?" Katie asks.

"Katie, you own a chainsaw?" Mama Knight frowns. Kendall gives his little sister a curious look. He's not even gonna ask any questions. Of course Katie would have a chainsaw? She owns some of the most random and weirdest crap. Some of it shouldn't even be allowed in the hands of a thirteen year old girl.

"Of course!"

"Well, you're not gonna use a chainsaw to scare off photographers." Mama Knight says sternly. "I'll get Freight Train to drive around to the back."

While Freight Train drives the bus around to the back of the apartment complex, Kendall finds himself looking over at James. He doesn't know what he can do to make everything better, but he has been trying to comfort his friend. However, he sometimes gets the feeling that James doesn't care to be comforted. Like, he kind of pushes people away.

He reaches out to rub his friend's back, staring at James. The poor guy has his face buried in his arms and he's shaking a bit. Will he ever be okay? Kendall doesn't know and that's what really scares him. There's no guarantee that James will ever recover from the trauma of the past few months.

"Hey, when's the funeral?" Carlos whispers.

"I don't know."

"God! Stop talking about it!" James yells, getting up from the table. Their hearts shatter as he runs to the restroom and slams the door shut. Poor Carlos looks like he could cry, but Mama Knight is able to stop any tears by handing him a corn dog. Kendall, on the other hand, gets up from the booth, going after James.

"Jay?" He says worriedly. "Open the door, buddy. I just wanna talk to you."

* * *

Is it bad that James enjoys the sight of the blood on his left arm? Because he does. He feels nothing but relief. He can't tell anyone, though, because they wouldn't understand. They wouldn't understand the rush that it brings him or the fact that it makes him forget about everything that has happened. He only self harmed for the first time today, but he has a feeling that he's gonna be doing it again.

He cries as he drags the razor across his skin, looking up only when Kendall calls his name. He wants James to open the door. Yeah right! Like James is gonna let anyone see his self inflicted wounds. He needs to clean up first. So he uses paper towel to apply pressure to his arm, desperate to make the bleeding stop.

"James? You okay?"

"Y-yeah." He stammers, putting pressure on his arm. "I-I'm f-f-fine."

Once the bleeding has stopped, he takes some gauze and wraps it around the cuts. He pulls the sleeve of his hoodie down and quickly throws away the bloodstained paper towel, pulling the door open. He hates the way Kendall looks so sympathetic. He doesn't need anyone feeling sorry for him.

"Alright, guys!" Kelly calls out. "Get inside as fast as you can!"

James is glad that they're entering through the back. He would prefer that no one saw him right now. He's in no mood to socialize and discuss everything that has happened. He can't believe that he won't ever get to see Devonne again. He'll never get to buy wedding rings with her, they'll never make love again, they'll never experience the joy of starting a family...he can't stand thinking about it.

"Do you think the news is talking about us?" Carlos asks timidly.

"Probably so." Logan mutters as they enter the elevator. James rests his head on Mama Knight's shoulder, ready to get to the apartment and sleep for the rest of this horrific day. James can only imagine how awful it's gonna be when he has to go to the viewing and the funeral. He doesn't know if he'll be able to handle it.

When they get to apartment 2J, turning on the TV is the first thing that Mama Knight does. The celebrity news channel is showing a video of Big Time Rush performing Love Me Love Me Love before the screen switches to a picture of James and Devonne kissing at the beach. The reporter discusses James's battle with leukemia, how he met Devonne, her relapse, the pictures of them at the chapel, James attacking the paparazzi, and even the abortion. Worst of all, she discusses how Devonne reportedly developed an infection hours later and was taken to the hospital, where she committed suicide after being told she wouldn't survive the night.

"Okay!" Mama Knight says, quickly turning the TV off. "Let's leave that alone for now."

James clenches his jaw, storming to his and Kendall's room. He crawls into bed, his eyes filling with tears. Why? Why did Devonne have to leave him? When he was sick, many thought that he wouldn't make it, but he's still here. He supposes that he can't be too angry at her, though. It's the nurse's fault for leaving those painkillers on the bedside table. It was a very irresponsible and stupid thing to do on her part.

He finds it difficult to not burst into tears when he sees a particular framed photo on his own beside table. It was taken when Devonne joined him and his bandmates on a trip to Maui. She looked so healthy and beautiful in her tiger print bikini, and it's so sweet how she was kissing his cheek. He loved when she did that.

He can't stand looking at that picture right now, so he puts it face down on the table. He wants his wife back. They could have even had a "second wedding" so they could celebrate their marriage with their friends and family present. That won't happen now because Devonne is gone. She was the first girl he had ever been truly in love with.

"Let's just leave him alone for now." Mama Knight advises. His friends murmur in response and he's glad when no one bothers him. The last thing he needs is for people to try and get him to talk. He's having the worst day and he's struggling with the fact that his wife left him without warning. When he's going through something like that, he really doesn't need to be messed with.

* * *

The rest of the day goes by ridiculously slow, with James staying in bed and everyone else doing their own thing. It's after midnight now and James isn't having much luck falling asleep. He's really trying to keep quiet so he doesn't wake Kendall up, but it's hard when he's practically sobbing. He needs a cigarette..._bad. _

Still crying, he carefully gets out of bed, getting the pack of cigarettes from under the pile of notebooks in his bedside table drawer. He sneaks out of the bedroom and toward the front door, stepping into the hallway. He always likes going up to the roof when he smokes. He doesn't have to worry about getting caught.

He lights up the minute he gets up there. For some reason, looking up at the sky only makes him wanna cry more. The thought of Devonne not being here just kills him. She has been gone for almost a full day and he's already spiraling out of control. He doesn't wanna believe that this is real, but he has no choice.

"Hey, I heard about what happened."

"Guitar Dude?" The guitarist is a known smoker. The guy loves his cigarettes and he's not afraid to light up by the Palm Woods pool. There's a special area designated for smokers, so he can frequently be found in that area. James couldn't sit there, though, because he has a reputation to uphold.

"You want something good to cheer you up?" Guitar Dude asks him.

"Like what?" James frowns, wiping his tears away. He reluctantly accepts a paper bag from the guy, peeking inside. A bottle of whiskey? James has never drank alcohol before, so he doesn't know about this. He supposes that it wouldn't hurt to try it, though. If it'll numb his pain, then he's totally willing.

"Try it." Guitar Dude urges. "It's good stuff."

James uncaps the bottle, taking a swig of the liquid. He cringes at first, but he doesn't stop drinking. As he drinks more of the whiskey, he seems to feel less depressed. Finally, he just puts out his cigarette and focuses entirely on the alcohol. After a few more swigs, he's completely wasted! And you know what? He loves it.

"Man, this _is _good stuff!" He slurs, drinking the rest of the bottle. "Got anymore?"

"Nah," Guitar Dude responds. "But tell you what, my cousin is throwing a party at his house next weekend. Why don't you stop by? There will be lots of booze."

"Great!" James stumbles forward, falling to his knees. He couldn't exactly get up on his own either, so unless Guitar Dude cares to get him back to 2J, he's gonna have to sit here until he sobers up. Would it be bad if he didn't want to sober up yet? He likes how he's feeling now, like nothing in the world could hurt him.

"Guitar Dude?" He slurs, noticing the sudden silence. "Where you at, man?"

But Guitar Dude has already disappeared down the stairs.

"DAMMIT!" James curses, falling onto his back. Great, he's stuck on the Palm Woods roof, drunk and alone. Well, he probably shouldn't go back to the apartment yet anyway. No one needs to see James Diamond when he's wasted. Once this has worn off, he'll get up and go home. Until then, he's staying right here.

"Mmm, I love you, Devvie." He slurs. "Please come back."

* * *

**Aww, poor baby:( But stop drinking and smoking! It's bad for you!**

**On a different note, please review! :)**


	15. Sick Inside

When James wakes up, it's daylight. It's another beautiful, sunny day in Los Angeles. Normally, James would enjoy it, but it's hard to enjoy anything when he has a huge hangover. He shouldn't have drank that whiskey. He knows that he shouldn't have done it, but he lost his wife hours after their wedding. Doesn't it make sense for him to drink his sorrow away?

He groans as he sits up, holding a hand to his head. He gasps when he sees Kendall standing there, knowing that his friend knows what he did. He hopes that Kendall won't tell Mama Knight or anyone else for that matter. He doesn't want anyone to know how badly this is hurting him. He'd rather pretend that he's grieving in a normal way. He doesn't wanna get in trouble for drinking.

"I saw the whiskey." Kendall tells him. James narrows his eyes, stumbling to his feet. He doesn't need a lecture or any reprimanding. Instead of standing here and allowing Kendall to do that, he tries to walk past the blonde haired boy. That doesn't work out in his favor. Kendall has no problem reaching out and grabbing his wrist, preventing him from walking any farther.

"Jay, talk to me!"

James struggles not to cry, trying to get out of Kendall's grip. Kendall isn't exactly weak, though, so it's pretty much impossible for James to get away. He's stuck, forced to listen against his will. He fears what Kendall might say. He knows that he has probably disappointed his best friend and he hates that, but he needs something to soothe himself.

"K-kendall, you can't tell anyone." He says timidly. Kendall gives him a disbelieving look, which kills him. He knows that he's being stupid, but everyone has to do something stupid eventually. Humans screw up sometimes and James Diamond is no exception. People may think he's perfect, but he's actually far from it.

"Jay, I-"

"Please don't!" He begs. Kendall looks apprehensive, but James thinks that he's getting through to his friend. This incident needs to stay a secret. He can't have anyone knowing what he's doing. They can't know about the cigarettes, the alcohol, the drugs, or the cutting. It's his business and no one else's.

"Just talk to me, okay?" Kendall urges gently, letting go of James's wrist. James sniffles and wipes tears from his cheeks, not bothering to push Kendall away as his friend drags him into a hug. He sobs into Kendall's shoulder, his head pounding. Why did he accept that whiskey? He should have turned down Guitar Dude's offer.

"Let's throw that bottle out, then get you back to the apartment." Kendall says, letting go of him. He wipes the tears from his cheeks and tries once again to stop crying. After the empty whiskey bottle is in the trash, Kendall grabs a hold of him and guides him toward the door, helping him down the stairs. He really feels like he needs to throw up, but he'd rather do so in front of a toilet. He's pretty sure that Kendall is aware of this, because they're moving pretty fast. Ugh, could they go a little slower?

"We'll get there soon." Kendall assures him. He has to try awfully hard to keep from vomiting. God, he wishes that he hadn't drank that alcohol. He liked it, though! He liked how it made him feel! It felt as though all of his problems when away with every sip. He's even looking forward to that party that Guitar Dude invited him to attend.

"My heart hurts." He groans.

"I know." Kendall says as they finally make it to the second floor. It takes a few minutes, but they make it to the apartment. Mama Knight is about to start making a fuss over him, but the first thing he does is run to the restroom and empty his stomach.

"Kendall, what's wrong with him?"

"I found him on the roof." Kendall explains. "I guess he stayed out too long and it made him sick."

"It was too cold for him to be out!" Mama Knight says adamantly. Meanwhile, James coughs and gags, although nothing else is coming out. Next thing he knows, Mama Knight is kneeling beside him, rubbing his back and shushing him. He hopes that she won't be able to smell any alcohol on his breath. She would throw a fit if she knew what he did, then she would tell his parents.

"You guys are home!"

James groans when he hears his moms voice, reaching out to flush the toilet. Mama Knight helps him to his feet and instructs him to brush his teeth, kissing his cheek before leaving the restroom to greet his parents. He's not looking forward to being babied by his mom. A little bit is fine, but James knows that she'll go overboard.

* * *

"Oh, honey." Brooke says sadly, stroking James's hair. "I'm so sorry."

James sighs and turns onto his side, facing the wall next to his bed. Logan is standing in the doorway, watching as James's parents try to comfort their son. He, on the other hand, needs a cigarette. So he quietly steps out of the room and walks past everyone else, walking out the door. He doesn't know what to think about all of this. He hates what Devonne did to herself and James.

Once he's inside the elevator, he presses the roof button. You know, he has suspicions about why James has been sick today. It reminds him of himself before he went to rehab. He doesn't know if he believes that his friend's illness was caused by staying out in the cold all night. When it got cold, James could have came back inside. He didn't, though, so Logan suspects that he got drunk and passed out.

He doesn't light up a cigarette the minute he gets to the roof. Why? Because Camille is here and he would prefer if she didn't know that he still has that one dangerous habit. He can only imagine what she'd say if she found out that he and James smoked marijuana together, let alone a cigarette.

"Hey!" She greets, kissing his cheek.

"What are you doing up here?" He asks, hugging her waist from behind.

"Well, I heard that you guys were back and I was just about to text you and invite you up here for some alone time." Camille answers, leaning her head back against his shoulder. He has missed his girlfriend. Ever since rehearsal for the tour began, they haven't been able to spend as much time together.

"How's James doing?" She asks him.

"Not great." Logan sighs. "He's been in a depression ever since yesterday morning."

He looks out at the beautiful city of Los Angeles, wishing that he could enjoy it more. It's hard to enjoy anything when his best friend is a miserable wreck. He feels guilty for allowing James to smoke that drug yesterday. He'll allow James to smoke cigarettes, but marijuana is taking it too far. James doesn't need that crap in his life.

"Poor guy." Camille murmurs. "Anyway, what did you come up here for? Are you psychic or something?"

"Um," Logan hesitates. "It's really peaceful up here."

"It is, isn't it?"

Logan nods, walking over to the edge. No, he won't fall off. There's a half wall around the ceiling, so people can safely admire the city without getting themselves killed. He use to fantasize about jumping, but those thoughts are long gone now. Let's just say that he had a hard time accepting James's cancer diagnosis.

"How have things been around here?" He asks her.

"Pretty okay, I guess." Camille shrugs. "Jo's been freaking out, but we should all be use to that by now."

"Why is she freaking out?" Logan frowns.

"It's between her and Kendall." Camille explains. "It's not my place to say anything."

Logan is confused. Kendall never said that he and Jo were having problems. In fact, every time he talks to her on the phone, he seems thrilled when he hangs up. As far as Logan knows, there haven't been any fights between those two. Is there something that neither one of them is admitting?

"It would upset James."

"Why?" Logan questions.

"Look, I've gotta go to an audition this afternoon and I really need to rehearse, so I'll talk to you later!" Camille gives him a quick kiss before running to the door leading to the staircase. Logan furrows his eyebrows, confused by his girlfriend's odd behavior. Does she know something that he doesn't? Will he ever find out what the big secret is?

"Just when I thought she couldn't get any crazier." He mutters, lighting up a cigarette.

* * *

"Do you wanna play a video game?" Carlos asks eagerly.

"Carlos, napping is the only thing I wanna do right now." James says, his face buried in his pillow. "Now, could you please turn that lamp off?"

"You're not hungover, are you?" Carlos asks suspiciously.

"What?! No!" James retorts, yelping in pain. Carlos instantly accepts the response, shrugging as he reaches over to turn said lamp off. He has been trying his best to comfort James, but he doesn't think he's doing a very good job at it. He's not alone, though. No one has been able to cheer James up.

"Could you leave now?" James asks coldly. Carlos's eyes fill with tears, his feelings hurt. Why doesn't James want him around? Did he do something wrong? He doesn't remember doing anything except try and make James feel better, but maybe he did something that he's not aware of? Wouldn't he remember if he did?

He nods sadly, exiting the room. He sighs heavily, letting Kendall give him a hug. He hates this. He hates that they're going through this. More important, he hates that James is hurting. He wishes that he could take the pain away, but even he knows that it's impossible to do that. Other than comfort and support, there's not much they can do to help.

It kills him to admit that, but it's the unfortunate truth. All he really knows is that he's gonna stand by James no matter what. He just hopes that things will get better soon. They're all tired and in serious need of a break.

* * *

**What is Camille hiding? You'll find out soon!**

**Review! :D**


	16. Please Come Back To Me

Devonne has been dead for almost a week now. Today, her funeral, is the second worst day next to her actual death. Seeing her be put in the ground nearly destroys James, but maybe he was already destroyed. Everyone else is all ready to go to the reception, but he's practically glued to his seat, staring at Devonne's grave. He can't believe that she had to be buried at only twenty two years old.

"Jay, come on." Kendall says, touching his shoulder. He sighs heavily, getting up from his seat. He just wants to go home and get ready for Guitar Dude's party. It starts at seven and he only has, like, three hours to get dressed and get his hair perfected. His plan is to go to that party, looking amazing, and get wasted.

"I'm gonna skip the reception." He answers. The reception is being held in the Palm Woods ballroom. As far as James knows, Guitar Dude doesn't plan on going either. He went to the funeral, but he didn't wanna be around a bunch of sad people for too long. He said that he would be waiting for James in the lobby and that he was would like to leave around six thirty.

"You sure?" Kendall questions. He nods in response, rubbing the back of his neck as they walk back to the black van. Quite honestly, he still has the image of Devonne's dead body stuck in his head. It was an open casket funeral and James made the decision to see his wife's face one last time. That was a big mistake. The minute he saw Devonne laying in that coffin, he broke down.

"I'm kind of tired, so I'd rather just go and relax for a while." He says, crawling into the back seat. He doesn't care to be around a bunch of people that have been crying. If he sees someone else crying, he'll cry and he doesn't want anyone to see him doing that. He needs to go to the other party, where he can drink his pain away.

"Jo's gonna ride with us." Kendall says as Jo approaches them. He helps her into the back seat before climbing in next to her. James notices that her dress fits unusually tight and she appears to have a slightly pudgy stomach. He's not gonna say anything out loud, but it's just something he can't help noticing.

"Do you wanna tell James?" She whispers to Kendall, who glances at James. He sighs softly and nods. James frowns in confusion, his arms crossed. They've been acting strange for the past few days, but he hasn't bothered asking them why. He just figured that they would tell him when they're ready.

"Jay, we've been wanting to tell you something, but we weren't sure how-"

"Just tell me." James murmurs.

"Jo's pregnant."

James's eyes fill with sadness. Jo's gonna be a mom? A baby is a wonderful gift, but James can bring himself to have a positive reaction, knowing that he was gonna be a daddy before Devonne had the abortion. If she hadn't been sick, she could have continued the pregnancy and they could have been preparing for the joys that come with being a parent.

"Jay?"

"I'm fine." He lies. No, he's not fine! He's not mad at Kendall and Jo, but there's two problems. One, they're only nineteen and they're not even married! James isn't judging them for that, but Kendall has a squeaky clean reputation and Gustavo warned him not to be stupid and get a girl pregnant like James did. Secondly, James isn't exactly thrilled because he didn't get to see his and Devonne's baby, but Jo and Kendall will get to see theirs.

The ride back to the Palm Woods is silent after that. As they walk through the lobby, James notices Guitar Dude sitting outside with his guitar. He has to figure out a plan for when he gets back home. He knows that he's gonna be tipsy, so he needs to figure out how he's gonna keep Mama Knight, Katie, and the guys from finding out.

Taking a deep breath, he walks into the elevator, pressing the second floor button. He wipes tears from his cheeks, feeling sick to his stomach. He can't believe everything that has happened. He wants Devonne back. He _needs _her.

* * *

"Dude, you gotta, like, chill." Guitar Dude slurs. "Stress is, like, so not cool, man."

"Yep, I know." James says, opening the cooler. There's a wide assortment of beers and other alcoholic beverages. He has already chugged four Bud Lights, so he's already buzzed. He's not going for a buzz, though. He wants to be so hammered that he can't think about anything but how hammered he is.

He grabs another can and opens it, immediately taking a large swig of the liquid. He laughs drunkenly, giving Guitar Dude a high five before stumbling over to the couch. This is exactly the kind of night he wants to have. Forget that Kendall and Jo are living yet another one of his dreams. He doesn't care about that!

"Man, you ever smoked a bong before?" One of Guitar Dude's friends asks him.

"Nah, have you?" James grins.

"Yeah!"

James stumbles after the guy, following him to another room. He drinks the rest of the beer and instead of throwing it in a trash can, he just drops it on the ground. A bunch of people are sitting in a circle, taking turns smoking some drug from a bong. He has never done drugs before last week and he normally wouldn't approve of such behavior, but he's in an "I don't care" kind of mood. What's the point in caring about anything?

"Let our new friend give it a try!"

The bong is passed over to James and he eyes it carefully before inhaling deeply. He laughs for the millionth time, taking in more of the drug. He doesn't know for sure what drug this is, but he heard someone say something about Salvia, which is legal in California. In his opinion, this stuff isn't so bad!

"Pretty good stuff, huh?"

"You have no idea!" James stumbles to his feet, leaving the room. Since he can hardly walk straight, he has a hard time not bumping into people. He ends up doing so with one guy that was flirting with some chick, but the guy turns around and glares at him when their shoulders touch.

"Watch where you're going!" The jerk snaps.

"Babe, I feel bad for you." James tells the girl, putting his arm around her waist. "I mean, being violated by this guy? I bet you'll be scarred for life!"

"Hey, watch it!"

James is suddenly pulled back and thrown against the wall. He's just as angry as his opponent now and he's not in his right mind, so it's no problem for him to raise his fist and punch the guy across the face. He lunges at his attacker, knocking him to the ground. He throws punches, not holding back. He won't tolerate being treated like crap.

"Listen here," He growls. "I have been through enough already and I don't need any crap from the likes of you!"

"That tears it!"

The guy (whose name James doesn't know) turns them over, throwing punches at James. He's starting to get angrier, until two people grab what's-his-name and pull him off of James. The bruised up guy on the floor is helped to his feet by Guitar Dude, who seems kind of amused by the sight.

"Hey, maybe you should get a taxi to take you home, man." Guitar Dude suggests. "We don't need you, like, getting in more trouble."

James may be drunk, but he still has no problem agreeing with the suggestion. He probably should tend to his injuries and then sleep off the drunkenness, preferably before anyone finds out what happened.

* * *

"Is James mad?" Jo asks timidly.

"No, he's not mad." Kendall assures her, kissing her forehead. "He's just sad because he's still coming to terms with Devonne's abortion. I guess it hurts that we're gonna have a baby when he and Devonne had to end her pregnancy."

Jo nods reluctantly, sighing as she crosses her arms. She knows that parenthood is a beautiful thing, but she's having a hard time being really happy about it. There's so many reasons why. She's not even twenty yet, she's not married (she comes from a very Christian family that doesn't believe in premarital...relations), and this is something that James and Devonne almost had, but they had to give it up.

"You wanna come with me to check on him?" He asks her.

"Yeah." Jo answers, following him out of the ballroom. They walk down the hallway toward the lobby, starting to approach the elevator. That is, until they see James stumbling into the lobby. Is he...drunk? Oh my gosh, he's totally wasted? Kendall hasn't said much about how James has been handling Devonne's death, but he's not looking so good.

"Jay, what did you do?" Kendall gasps, grabbing James.

"Went to a party and got my ass kicked by one of Guitar Dude's friends." James slurs, almost falling to the ground. Jo gives her boyfriend a confused look and he shrugs, helping James toward the elevator. Jo feels kind of awkward now, but James is one of her friends and she'll happily help Kendall take care of him.

"Man, why do you keep doing this?" Kendall asks him.

"My wife is dead and I have absolutely nothing." James says. "What do ya expect me to do?"

"That doesn't make it okay for you to go out, get drunk, and get into fights!" Kendall scolds when they exit the elevator. Jo keeps her arms crossed over her tiny baby bump, following the boys down the hallway. It's so weird seeing James like this. He has never been the type to drink or get into serious fights.

"Don't forget the salvia bong." James chuckles. Jo gives Kendall a horrified look, holding the door open for the guys. James Diamond smoked a freaking bong? The only time Jo has done drugs was for a movie she and Camille filmed together. She couldn't imagine doing something so stupid in real life.

"Where's Devonne?" James slurs, still holding onto Kendall.

"Dev's gone, buddy." Kendall says sadly, helping him over to the couch. Jo's heart nearly shatters as James lays face down on the couch, sobbing. Oh, the poor guy! She feels like giving him a big hug, but she doesn't know if he wants to be touched right now.

"Hey, let's get you cleaned up." She tells him. "Kendall, could you get him some new clothes to wear?"

It takes twenty minutes to get James dressed and treat his minor wounds. It's funny how Kendall chose a black Captain America T shirt for him, but it's kind of cute too. She's fully aware of their obsession with superheroes like Spiderman and The Hulk. That's not her thing, though. She's a girly girl.

"Do you wanna go to your room?" Kendall asks gently.

"No, Kenny Bear." James slurs. Kendall looks at Jo and mouths "What?", which causes Jo to giggle quietly. She shouldn't laugh, but she can't help it. Well, all she knows is that someone needs to have a serious talk with James. They already had trouble with Logan a few months ago and Jo knows that they don't want James to end up in trouble.

* * *

**Aww, I feel so bad for James:( He's so cute, though!**

**Who else thinks that he needs serious help? *raises hand***

**Review! :D**


	17. Sadly Mistaken

**Mrs. Henderson-Mitchell requested some Logan angst, preferably a relapse! So this chapter includes the start of Logan's relapse**

After midnight, while everyone else is asleep in 2J, Logan is standing outside a liquor store. No, he hasn't bought any alcohol. He's gotta a cigarette with him, though. He's surprised that no paparazzi have started harassing him. It probably helps that he's wearing a black hoodie and sunglasses. It helps him blend in, you know?

He looks at the sign above him. He brought his fake ID with him, just in case he decides to buy a bottle of vodka. He would get in trouble with Mama Knight if he did such a thing, though. There's also his mom to worry about. She's been having some trouble at work and she really doesn't need anymore problems. She hasn't been selling very many houses and she's in danger of losing her job.

He knows what James did earlier. You know, drinking and smoking a bong at some party. He remembers a few months ago when he was the one doing all that stupid crap. Once you become addicted to drugs or booze, it's something that will always be there. It's a battle that you have to fight daily.

Maybe one bottle wouldn't hurt. He puts out his cigarette and takes out his fake ID and some money, entering the store. He particularly enjoys SKYY raspberry flavored vodka. It's not the best beverage to consume, but he would frequently chug down a bottle of this stuff before he went to rehab.

"ID please." The cashier says as Logan approaches the counter. Logan shows him the "ID," which he seems to accept. It's a relief when he scans the vodka and places it in a bag, taking Logan's money. After it's paid for, Logan leaves the liquor store and stands with his back against the wall, uncapping the bottle.

He takes a huge swig, taking a deep breath. He almost feels guilty for allowing himself to slip back into his old habits, but it won't hurt to have this one drink. After this, he won't touch another bottle of alcohol ever again. Really! Whether anyone believes it or not, he has plenty of self control.

Riiiiing!

Crap, it's Camille!

"Hello?" He slurs.

"Logan? You okay, babe?"

"Y-yeah." Logan lies. "Why?"

"Well, Mama Knight said that you left and never came back." Camille asks him. "I just wanted to check and make sure that you're okay. It's after midnight, though, so you really should get home."

"I know." Logan says, drinking from the bottle. "I'll be home soon. I love you!"

"I love you too." Camille answers. "Bye."

Logan groans as his girlfriend hangs up, staring at the bottle in his hand. He really should be getting home before anyone gets too worried. He hopes that he'll be able to get there without embarrassing himself or getting hurt. The Palm Woods isn't too far away, so it shouldn't be a big deal. Yeah, he'll be fine!

After finishing the last of the vodka, he drops it into the garbage can and starts walking down the sidewalk. He knows that he's drunk, but he doesn't feel _that _drunk. He's just a little tipsy! It would take more than one bottle for him to get completely hammered. Yeah, he'll be fine. He'll surely be able to get home and into bed before anyone finds out what he did tonight.

* * *

When he tip toes into 2J, he finds that James hasn't gone to bed. Instead, their obviously troubled friend is sitting on the couch with an ice back against his head. It hurts to see him in such a depressed state of mind, but there's not much Logan can do other than give a few comforting words and maybe a hug.

"What up, Jay?" He says, slapping James's shoulder.

"Logan, where the hell have you been?" James asks bitterly.

"Oh, just hanging out." Logan shrugs, sitting next to his friend.

"At twelve thirty in the morning?"

Logan doesn't know what else to say. He can't possibly tell James that he's been drinking again. He's ashamed, but he needed to feed his craving for alcohol. He just needed to do it this one time. He won't do it again. It couldn't possibly hurt for a recovering alcoholic to have one bottle of alcohol, right? It's not like that one bottle will send him into a full blown relapse, will it?

"Yeah." He shrugs. He eyes James carefully, suddenly noticing the bruises on his face. "Dude, what happened?"

"I went to a party and I got into a little fight." James responds. Logan shakes his head and takes James's ice pack, stumbling into the kitchen. Okay, he needs to practice acting sober. He just has to concentrate, so that he can walk in a steady, straight line. He doesn't want anyone to know what he has done.

"What are you doing?" James asks tiredly.

"Getting you a new ice pack." Logan answers. He looks over the bar at James, wondering if his tall friend will ever be the same. He knows that James wasn't exactly thrilled when he found out about Jo's pregnancy. They've all known for a few days, but they weren't sure how they should tell James. He was gonna be a daddy too, then Devonne had the abortion.

"Does Mama Knight know you did this?" He asks.

"No." James murmurs. "I mean, she knows about the party, but she doesn't know about the drugs or the alcohol." Logan shakes his head as he approaches James, handing the boy an ice pack. He really doesn't know what to think. He can't judge when he's doing the same thing, but he doesn't like the thought of James getting involved with drugs and alcohol. He may have fell into that trap, but he doesn't want James doing it.

"Jay-" He hesitates. "You've gotta stop this."

"Why should I?" James asks, snatching the ice pack. "Like you have any room to talk!"

Logan groans. You know what? Forget about the "don't judge" thing. Even if he's been doing stupid crap, that doesn't mean that he has to let James do the same thing. He's not gonna allow James's life to be ruined by drugs and alcohol.

"Jay, it doesn't matter what I do." He says sternly. "I can't let you continue destroying yourself!"

"Tell that to someone who cares." James snaps, getting up from the couch. Logan watches sadly as his friend leaves the room, wishing that he could do something to make everything okay. That's not possible, is it? As much as he'd like to change everything, he can't...and that's what he hates the most.

* * *

"Jo, have you told your parents about the baby?" Mama Knight asks.

"Not yet." Jo sighs. "I know that they'll be upset and try to make me give it up for adoption."

"Oh..." Mama Knight says slowly. "Well, how far along are you?"

"Seven weeks!" Jo says, putting some pizza bagels on a plate. James scoffs quietly, getting sick and tired of all this baby talk. Oh, yippee! Kendall and Jo get to play mommy and daddy, while James's little one was aborted at only seven weeks. He found out this morning that, after a series of blood tests, it was discovered that the baby would have been a little girl. Emma Grace Diamond, James and Devonne's precious little angel.

"Camille wants to take me shopping for maternity clothes soon." Jo grabs a bottle of water from the fridge. James clenches his jaw tightly, glancing over at Logan. That guy must have been drinking last night because he obviously has a hangover. He spent most of the morning kneeling in front of the toilet. When he wasn't puking, he was complaining about his head hurting.

"We're back from the grocery store!" Brooke announces, walking into the apartment without warning. James doesn't give too much of a response when she pecks his cheek, not in the mood for such a gesture. It's sweet, but he doesn't wanna be touched today. He's still hungover and his friend is getting something that he almost had.

"I still can't believe you knocked her up." Carlos says, sounding unusually surprised.

"I hate that phrase." Jo says through a smile. Well, there goes the pregnancy hormones. Kendall better get that knife out of her hand. She was just about to start making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for herself, but maybe she should wait until she's less irritated. This may sound weird, but it sucks that James isn't gonna get to deal with cranky, pregnant Devonne. She would have been quite amusing to watch.

"What? Knocked up?"

"CARLOS!" Jo shrieks.

"Babe, why don't I finish your sandwich for you?" Kendall suggests awkwardly. Jo huffs, smacking Carlos behind the head as she walks past him. James could laugh, but he's not gonna do it. He just wants to go back to bed, but he doesn't wanna do that while his mom and dad are here. His mom will think he's sick and his dad...well, he's not so sure about his dad. Until he got sick, he and his dad didn't have a very good relationship.

"Son, what happened to your face?" Samuel frowns.

"I went to a friend's party and some guy started a fight with me." James answers. He better not mention everything else that happened at the party. You know, like the alcohol, the drugs, the girls, and the bong. He would get his butt whooped if anyone knew what he has been up to. Well, maybe he wouldn't get a spanking, but you can bet that his mom would find some way to punish him.

"Well, who was it?!" Brooke gasps, touching her son's bruised face. "Oh baby-"

"Mom, I'm fine." James insists, gently pushing his hand away. "And I don't know who the guy was."

"I can't believe that someone would do this to you." Brooke says sadly, kissing his forehead. Okay, he hopes that she doesn't notice his bruised knuckles. She's not aware of the fact that although the other guy pushed him against the wall, he threw the first punch. If someone hadn't pulled that jerk off of him, he would have done a lot more than he did.

"Guys, is Katie gonna be out of the restroom soon?" Jo gulps.

Mama Knight sighs. "Katie, can Jo come into the restroom for a minute? I think she needs to throw up."

"Oh, it's gonna be more than a minute!" Jo runs past Katie and soon coughing and gagging fills the apartment. Okay, that's disgusting. Now, James is starting to feel kind of nauseous himself. Ugh, he hates hangovers. More importantly, he hates the fact that his life has spiraled out of control. Worst of all, he doesn't know how to make it stop.

* * *

**I'm not sure if you can find out the gender of a baby after an abortion, but I read online that there's a blood test that allows pregnant women to find out the gender at seven weeks!**

**Review! :D**


	18. The New Girl

**A new OC will be introduced in this chapter! Her name is Ryder and her celeb lookalike is Rydel Lynch (from the band R5)**

"That? You wanna sign that to Rocque Records?" Kelly scoffs, pointing at the screen. Apparently, Griffin stopped by a karaoke bar and he found this unknown band called Goodbye Gravity. The lead singer, Ryder Williams, is Gustavo's niece. He's estranged from the girl's parents, so he hasn't seen her very much. On the rare occasion that he does talk to her, he comes back to work a miserable wreck.

"Griffin, we are not signing Ryder Williams and her band of troublemakers to this record label!" Gustavo tries to argue.

"Too late! The band's on their way to start recording that demo!" Griffin says, patting his head before leaving the office. Kelly smacks her hand to her forehead, not really all that surprised that Griffin did this. Goodbye Gravity isn't even the type of band that Gustavo usually works with. He usually works with pop bands, but this group is punk/pop/rock.

"Kelly, that girl is a delinquent!" Gustavo complains.

"Well, there's nothing I can do about it!" Kelly retorts, storming out of the office. She frowns when she notices a picture that Griffin dropped. She picks it up, discovering that it's a picture of Goodbye Gravity performing at the karaoke bar. She couldn't say this to Gustavo's face, but he and his niece are a lot alike. Temperamental, bossy, irritating, and more!

"Griffin's making a big mistake." She mumbles, sitting the picture on a table. She needs to see if the guys are here yet. She has a few concerns about having Big Time Rush and Goodbye Gravity in the same building at the same time. Kendall and Ryder's personalities will likely clash, Carlos will hit on Ryder and get distracted, Ryder's bandmates will probably pick on Logan, and it seems like, strangely enough, James is the only one they won't have to worry about.

"Is it true?!" Carlos shrieks, running over to her.

"Is what true?" Kelly wonders.

"That Gustavo is signing a new band to Rocque Records!" Carlos squeals. This earns him strange looks from his friends. Kelly would laugh if it weren't for her various thought of having one of Gustavo's relatives in the building gives her a headache. This chick is banned from every Target store in the state of California!

"Yeah, a band that includes Gustavo's psychotic niece." Kelly grumbles.

"Heh?" Kendall says suddenly.

"Yep, Ryder Williams." Kelly answers, showing them the picture. She still can't believe that this is happening. Griffin went behind their backs and approved someone that he knows they aren't crazy about. Gustavo doesn't have much to do with his sister and brother-in-law anymore, let alone the child that they conceived.

She fills with dread when she hears the door open, followed by laughter. Oh no...why now? She didn't expect this when she came to work today. She just thought that she would come to Rocque Records, get Gustavo some coffee, schedule some interviews for Big Time Rush, and watch the guys record some new songs.

"Don't you dare acknowledge her." She says sternly, pointing a threatening finger at the guys.

"Okay, what the hell? Griffin told me there would be food." Ryder complains. Kelly sighs as she looks at Gustavo's niece, taking in the girl's appearance. As usual, she's got the ripped jeans and rock band T shirt look going on. Does Gustavo even know how to write a rock song? He's been writing pop tunes for years!

"Keep eating like you do and you'll be the same size as your uncle." Kelly says coolly. Ryder snorts and replies with "whatever," walking past Kelly. This is gonna be a hard three months. She wishes that it only took a few days to record a demo, but Griffin gives every band three months to do that. So for the next three months, they're all gonna be dealing with Ryder and her band of idiots.

"Nice hat, nerd!" Ryder shouts at Logan. When her back is turned, Logan flips her off, which provides a little comic relief for the rest of them. Something tells Kelly that those two will have a very...interesting relationship. By that, she means that they're not gonna get along very well. They haven't even spoken to each other and there's already animosity developing.

"If you know what's good for you, just leave her alone." She warns.

"But-"

"Carlos!"

* * *

"Can we record our stuff first?" Ryder asks Gustavo.

"No." Gustavo answers flatly, signaling for his "dogs" to enter the booth. James doesn't feel fully well enough to be back at work, but he has no choice. Gustavo refused to give them anymore time off. They're recording a new song called "Wish You Were Here" and although it's a great song, James doesn't feel like recording any love songs.

"So I seriously have to sit here and listen to Blondie, The Idiot, The Pretty Boy, and The Drug Addict sing a bunch of bubblegum pop garbage?" Ryder complains. James glances at his bandmates, all whom are obviously struggling not to storm out of this booth. This chick is really obnoxious, not that they should be surprised. She's related to Gustavo, for crying out loud!

"Do you wanna go and sit in the corner?" Gustavo growls.

"Yeah, Ryder, wanna sit in the corner?" Logan mocks. Ryder shoots him a dirty look and her bandmates laugh, reaching out to ruffle her hair and playfully punch her shoulders. James feels so tempted to laugh, he really does. However, does he wanna risk pissing off the niece of a man who once caused a 3.1 magnitude earthquake?

"Just shut up and record the song!" Gustavo snaps. The boys look at their music sheets, which contain the lyrics and notes that make up the song. James agrees that this could be their next big hit, but songs like this are depressing to him now. Someone is definitely on his mind and that particular someone is now six feet under.

"I need a minute..." He says, quickly leaving the studio.

"Ugh, I'll get him."

"Ryder, if we put you in charge of calming him down, he'll probably become even more agitated." Kelly tells her. It doesn't sound like she's paying much attention, though. James can already hear the footsteps behind him.

* * *

"Hey!"

James keeps walking.

"Hey!"

James walks faster.

"HEY!"

"What?!" He snaps, whipping around.

"Is there a problem?"

"No!"

"Right, because it's _so _normal to just walk out like that." Ryder replies sarcastically. James gives her a frustrated look, getting awfully sick of her attitude. She is the most obnoxious, irritating person that he has ever met and he hopes that she knows that. He'd be shocked if someone hasn't already told her off.

"Watch it." He glares, bringing his face close to hers.

"Whoa, you trying to make a move?"

James quickly backs away. The answer to that question is HELL NO. If he's gonna date anyone, he wants it to be someone that doesn't have so much sass. He doesn't mind a little bit of attitude, but this is just too much for him. Besides, he's decided that he's never dating ever again. From now on, he's just gonna focus on his music.

"Look, my wife died two weeks ago..." He says calmly. "On our wedding night. So if you could please back off, that would be _great_."

"Dude, I was just teasing." Ryder says as he walks past her. He ignores her footsteps behind him, taking a deep breath as he walks back into the studio. He ignores the concerned looks from his friends, putting his headphones back on. He just wants to finish recording this song, so he can go home. Quite honestly, he's exhausted.

* * *

"Does that get your stamp of approval, _princess_?" Kendall asks smoothly. Ryder just shrugs in response, huffing.

"Kendall, I don't think princess is the right term for her." Logan smirks. "Devil child is more like it."

"Keep talking and you won't be able to feel your arms and legs."

"Oh, I'm so scared!" Logan laughs.

"Okay, that's enough." Kendall whispers, grabbing his shoulder. When he sees Ryder grinning to herself, he shakes his head. "That doesn't mean I'm sticking up for you!"

Logan rolls his eyes, taking his headphones off. He wants to see what Goodbye Gravity is made of. Ryder seems to believe that they're better than Big Time Rush, so Logan wants them to prove it. As the guys exit the recording booth, Ryder and her guys enter it, getting their equipment set up. Great, some idiots with guitars. How interesting...not!

"This tune is called Never, as in 'Blondie and Druggie will never get girlfriends'." Ryder says, putting her guitar strap over her head. She starts strapping an edgy guitar riff. Then she starts singing and, quite honestly, Logan doesn't see anything that special about her voice. She sounds just like every other wannabe punk/pop/rock singer out here.

"Well, she's not terrible." Carlos says awkwardly. "Oh, who am I kidding?! She's freaking AWESOME!"

Ryder must have heard the compliment because she smirks and points in his direction. It's so weird how he giggles every time she gives him a little attention. It's not too unusual, though. He hasn't been having much luck with the ladies lately, so he's kind of desperate. No offense to him! It's just something that Logan has noticed.

"Think you can write that kind of stuff?" Kelly asks Gustavo.

"I...don't...know..."

"Are you interested in having me as your nephew-in-law?" Carlos suggests.

"Now, I definitely know the answer to that stupid question."

"Just think about it!" Carlos says eagerly. "Carlos and Ryder Garcia..."

"Ugh, I don't even wanna think about that."

Logan rubs his temples as the amplifier is turned up, causing the sound of the guitars to blare through his ears. He yelps and covers his ears, flinching. Why does he get the feeling that Ryder did that on purpose? Most of her actions seem to be done on purpose, just to aggravate people and/or scar them for life.

"Hey, how old is she again?" Kelly questions.

"Sixteen." Gustavo says, burying his head in his arms. Next, Kendall does something that they're all grateful for. He turns the sound off, so they can't hear the noise. They won't have to worry about her complaining either because she thinks that they can still hear her. It's not that she's untalented, but she does have a way of leaving people with a serious migraine.

"Like uncle, like niece." James mumbles. He passes a note over to Logan, who reads it in a way that prevents anyone else from seeing what is written on the paper.

_Wanna get out of here and smoke with me? _

Logan will always have this strong feeling of regret for introducing James to smoking, but he doesn't know how he can fix his mistake, so he just goes along with it whenever James invites him to go out for a cigarette. He may be the brains of Big Time Rush, but that doesn't mean that he can fix everything.

* * *

**Songs**

**Wish You Were Here-Cody Simpson**

**Never-R5**

* * *

**I must say that I love Ryder's snarky, sarcastic, and sometimes obnoxious attitude:) I have fun writing characters like that for some reason:) And I think Ryder is gonna be a very interesting addition to the story**

**She won't be stealing the spotlight from our boys, but she'll be lots of fun!**

**Review! :D**


	19. On The Rocks

Stephanie King hasn't been in LA for a while. She moved to New York City during her junior year and has only visited a few times since then. She and Carlos even tried having a long distance relationship, but it didn't work out. Now she's back in Los Angeles for good and she's hoping that they can pick up where they left off.

She's also kind of interested in seeing how James has been doing. She heard that Devonne had passed away, but she was unable to attend the funeral. She sees him lounging by the pool and it's not hard to tell that he's hurting inside. He doesn't seem to be doing too bad, though. Maybe a little tired, a whole lot of sad, but not as bad as she thought. It probably helps that he has such a strong support system.

Okay, where's Carlos? James and Logan are out by the pool, but Kendall and Carlos aren't. She's really eager to talk to her ex-boyfriend and find out where they should go with their relationship. Should they get back together? Should they stay friends? She won't know until she talks to him. This is a decision that involves both of them.

"Hey, guys!" She greets.

"Steph? What are you doing back here?" Logan asks her, looking up from his magazine.

"I moved back to LA!" Stephanie smiles. Her smile fades slightly as she asks her most important question. "Where's Carlos?"

"You know, we're not sure." Logan answers apologetically. Stephanie sighs and quietly thanks him, looking all around the pool area. Those kids on the other side of the pool might no. Stephanie was looking at the Rocque Records website and she learned that this is a new group that was recently recruited by the record label. Surely they interact with the BTR guys, considering that they work at the same company.

"Hi! Do you guys know where Carlos Garcia might be?" She asks politely.

"Short latino kid? About yay high and really hyper, yet adorable?" The blonde girl responds. Stephanie nods, easily recognizing who this girl is talking about. Carlos is kind of hyper, but he's super cute. He has no problem with standing out amongst a crowd. He's unique and that's what's so great about him.

"I think he went to the weight room." One of the guys, a brunette with a short mohawk and tattooed arms, informs her. She waves cheerfully and walks back into the Palm Woods, so excited to see her guy again. She has been gone for a few years, but she has never forgotten about Carlos. She wonders if he remembers her.

She peeks into the weight room and, sure enough, Carlos is there with Kendall. She's hesitant to set foot in the room, not wanting to overwhelm anyone with her sudden return, but she can't hide from them. Besides, James and Logan didn't seem to mind her being back. Everyone knows that she moved to NYC to attend a special performing arts school.

Okay, here goes nothing. With a deep breath, she pushes the door open, entering the weight room. She cringes at the smell of sweat, but sucks it up due to wanting to see Carlos so sadly. Aww, he still looks as innocent and adorable as he did when she first met him.

"St-steph?" He stammers.

"Yeah." Stephanie doesn't know why, but her excitement has suddenly turns to fear. Maybe he has moved on and he didn't want her to come back. Maybe he has completely gotten over their relationship, almost as if it never existed. That's a terrible thought to consider, but it could very possibly be true.

"I've gotta go to the restroom!" Carlos runs to the door. "But I'll talk to you later! Bye!"

Yeah, they are definitely done for good.

* * *

"Jo?"

"I'd say she's a..nine." James answers.

"How about Lucy?"

"A ten."

"So you think Lucy is hotter than Jo?" Logan snorts. James rolls his eyes, smacking Logan's shoulder. He's so over this "rating" thing when it comes to girls. Devonne taught him that everyone is beautiful, just in their own special ways. He's only going along with Logan's game because he's bored.

"Okay," Logan chuckles. "How about Ryder?"

"Well, I would say she's a ten, but I'm gonna rate her a seven and a half." James answers. "She doesn't have the personality to match her good looks."

He's not lying either. Ryder is hot, but she's rude, mean, and obnoxious. Having a such a personality doesn't do her any good. James isn't surprised, considering who Ryder's uncle is, but he wishes that she could be different than most of her family members. You know, be the special one! While everyone else in her family is a jerk, she could be the one nice member of the Rocque Family, but she's not.

"I think her and Camille are getting along pretty good." Logan tells him. "I'm kind of surprised. I keeping telling her that Ryder is a monster, but she doesn't believe me."

James sighs, looking up at the blue sky. Rating women is something the old James would do, but he has changed in recent months. He got sick, fought for his life, and he found love. That changed him into a different person. Admittedly, he hasn't made very smart choices recently, but that's a different story.

"You and Camille should get married." He says.

"What?" Logan laughs.

"You guys are inseparable and you can't go five minutes without making out, so you might as well get hitched." James shrugs. He could see Logan and Camille getting married, but he's really just teasing. They don't have to be in any hurry to walk down the aisle. Kendall and Jo, on the other hand, are being pressured by Jo's family to get married now that there's a baby on the way. They refuse to have a grandchild born out of wedlock.

"We're too young for marriage." Logan tells him.

"I got married at nineteen." James says softly. Logan's eyes fill with sadness and sympathy, two things that James can't stand. As miserable as he is, he doesn't want anyone feeling sorry for him. He can handle himself. He doesn't need anyone babying him and showing all this sympathy for him.

"Yeah, but you and Dev were ready for marriage." Logan answers. "I can't say the same for Cam and I."

James now regrets bringing up marriage. His was ended before it even started, so marriage isn't one of his favorite things to discuss. He doesn't like talking about babies and Jo's pregnancy either. He'll never get to hold little Emma in his arms and that breaks his heart more than anything else. He never got to meet her, but she's still his daughter, he loves her, and that'll never change.

"Let's go out for drinks later." He suggests, changing the subject.

"You think that's a good idea?"

"It sounds good to me!"

* * *

"What's going on?" Katie questions as Carlos runs into 2J.

"Stephanie's back!" Carlos yells, rushing into his room and shutting the door. He knows that Katie is probably thinking about what a weirdo he is, but he isn't sure how to respond to his ex-girlfriend's return to the Palm Woods. Their relationship ended on good terms, but they've been a party for so long and Carlos has finally gotten over it. Now that Stephanie's back, who knows what kind of disaster could happen?

He doesn't know what to do. He's happy that she's back, but he doesn't know what he would say to her. If she wants to get back together with him, that's gonna be a problem because he doesn't know if he wants that to happen. Maybe he just wants to be friends with her, rather than her being his girlfriend again.

Besides, he kind of likes being single and being able to check out girls without feeling guilty. If he were in a relationship, he wouldn't be able to hit on Ryder because it would be considered "wrong." He doesn't know if he wants to be in a committed relationship right now. He's too young for that.

"Katie, have you seen Carlos?" Kendall asks.

"Yeah, where is he?" Stephanie doesn't sound happy. Carlos feels bad, but he refuses to leave this room. He'll wait until she leaves. That way, he doesn't have to explain why he ran off. He cares about Stephanie and he always will, but he's not sure if he wants a relationship. It took him a while to get over Stephanie and he finally did it. Does he wanna get back together with her, give up his freedom, and risk getting hurt again?

"Oh, he's in his room!"

"Thanks a lot, Katie." He grumbles.

"Carlos!" Kendall calls out.

"Actually, I'll just come back later." Stephanie says calmly. Carlos breathes a sigh of relief, not wanting to confront the issue yet. He'll deal with it later! Much later. Maybe a few years from now? Possibly? Yeah, he doesn't know. All he really knows for sure is that he's starving.

* * *

"I'm so glad we were able to get in the VIP area." Logan says, drinking a glass of Patron. "The last thing we need is for the paps to get pics of us drinking."

"Gustavo, Kelly, Mama Knight, and our parents would kill us." James says, drinking his own beverage. He got a glass of vodka and OJ, one of his favorites. Logan feels kind of guilty about this whole thing. Not only has he relapsed, but he's encouraging James to follow in his footsteps. He doesn't want anyone to be like him. He's being a terrible role model for James and he hates that about himself.

"But they're not gonna find out." Logan replies, looking around the crowded VIP section of the bar. He prefers to stay away from these places and get his alcohol from a liquor store, but James insisted on coming here. He didn't have the heart to say no, even though he really wanted to.

"Logan, I just realized something." James sighs, pushing his glass away. "You're suppose to be in recovery, yet I'm encouraging you to drink. It doesn't feel right. I mean, I don't know what I was thinking when I invited you here!"

"Jay, it's okay." Logan says, taking a deep breath. "I relapsed on my own a few days ago."

He looks at James, whose expression is unreadable. He looks down at the table, ashamed of himself. What they've been doing is wrong. He got James into smoking and James turned to drugs and alcohol, then Logan went back to his old habits. They've been screwing up a lot lately. Logan doesn't know what to do.

"What?" James whispers.

"A few days ago, I bought some vodka from a liquor store." Logan confesses. "I finished the whole thing before I got home."

"Okay, that's it." James says, getting out of the booth. He grabs Logan's arms and starts dragging him toward the exit. The shorter boy protests, but James isn't listening. Logan hates when people don't listen to him. He wants a chance to explain! Anyway, why does James care? He's the one that suggested going to the bar for drinks!

"Jay, what's the problem?" He snaps, pulling his arm out of the boy's grip.

"I was stupid to bring you here! But I feel even worse knowing that you've already been relapsing!"

"You can't say anything!" Logan yells back. "You've been smoking, drinking, and doing drugs! Until you get help, you can't judge me!"

They've attracted a small group of paparazzi, but they're too busy arguing to pay the cameramen any attention. Once Logan calms James down, he's gonna beat the crap out of these guys for invading their privacy. This is a private conversation and even though he and James are celebrities, they have a right to privacy too.

"I don't need help because I don't have a problem!" James retorts.

"Sure you do!" Logan argues.

"STOP!"

They whip around and come face to face with Ryder, who is giving them a weird shakes her head and Logan covers his face, shooting one photographer a dirty look. Great, they've embarrassed themselves in front of the paparazzi and Gustavo's niece. Considering her relationship with the boys, she could easily tell Gustavo what she heard.

It probably doesn't matter, though. The paparazzi have pictures and video that will end up in the tabloids and on the news anyway.

"You boys done going at it? Because my friend's car broke down and I need a ride home."

"Ugh, whatever." James groans. "Can you be our designated driver?"

"Well, I'm sure as hell not gonna let either one of you drive." Ryder snorts, walking past them. Logan doesn't even know if he wants to get in the car. Maybe he should just walk home. That way, he won't have to sit in the backseat with a very aggravated James. He can tell by looking a Ryder's face that he has no choice.

"Get in." She says coolly. He gives her a sarcastic smile, getting into the backseat of the red convertible.

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	20. Falling Off The Edge

The next day, the guys go to the beach for a little relaxation. The only problem is that Gustavo forced them to let Ryder come with them, something they had no interest in doing. They're laying on beach blankets at the moment, while Logan and Ryder argue loudly. It's beginning to give James quite a headache, although that might be due to his hangover. He would rather have peace and quiet under the sun.

Snap! Snap! Snap!

"What was that?" Kendall frowns, looking around. Jo does the same, keeping her hand on her barely noticeable baby bump. She's not far enough along to look obviously pregnant, especially since she refuses to wear tight clothing anymore. She thinks it makes her look fat. Now, back to the real problem. Where did that snapping come from?

"Well, it could be those paparazzi over there." Ryder suggests. They all turn around and look in the direction of photographers walking toward them. They are shouting the names of all four guys, but mainly James and Logan. Oh, this can't be good. James knows that the paparazzi got pictures of him and Logan outside that bar last night, but he was hoping that no one would find out about the incident.

"Can't you guys give us privacy?!" Jo snaps.

"Not until we get an answer from those two." One of the photographers answers, nodding at James and Logan. "Have you guys seen the latest issue of US Weekly?" He hands a copy of the popular magazine to James, who stares at the cover. Of course, there's a picture of him and Logan at a Big Time Rush photo shoot, along with the headline "BTR's James and Logan: On The Edge Of Disaster?"

"What is this?" Carlos asks, giving James and Logan a confused look. James ignores him and goes to the article, fearing what he's about to read.

**BTR's James and Logan: On The Edge Of Disaster?**

**When you think of Big Time Rush, you might think of four hockey players from Minnesota that made it big and became role models for teens everywhere. That wasn't the case last night, March 15, when members James Diamond and Logan Mitchell were photographed arguing outside a bar, clearly under the influence.**

**"It was so bizarre." A witness said. "James was accusing Logan of having a problem when he was obviously drunk himself. I was watching two teen celebrities have a Lindsay Lohan type meltdown right in front of me."**

**As you may know, Diamond was diagnosed with Leukemia back in 2012, at the young age of seventeen. Soon after, Mitchell began a downward spiral full of drugs, booze, and hard partying. This was unusual behavior for the singer, who has often been referred to as "the Big Time Brain," due to reportedly being the smartest member of the band. He reached a breaking point last year, when he became addicted to painkillers and got hit by a car after having an argument with bandmate Kendall Knight.**

**Now it seems as though he has relapsed, and he's dragging a friend down with him.**

**"Ever since James's wife passed away on their wedding night, he has been behaving very erratically." A source stated. "Something is very wrong and I'm afraid he won't end well for him."**

**Could the nineteen year old star be the next Hollywood train wreck? Many seem to believe that's the case. He was once a positive role model for young fans, but now many parents are outraged by the star's recent controversy. Neither Diamond or Mitchell have released statements regarding the matter.**

James can't believe this. He's being pegged as the next train wreck? Magazines have been referring to Logan as "troubled" for a while now, but James never thought that he would be in the same situation. He and Logan are being put right up there with Lindsay Lohan, Mischa Barton, and Amanda Bynes!

"Man, that is not a pretty picture..." Ryder murmurs, looking over Logan's shoulder. There are actually two pictures, one of James and Logan stumbling out of the bar and another of them arguing. Well, this is bad. The worst thing is knowing that their parents and other loved ones are gonna see this.

"What is this?" Kendall asks angrily, snatching the magazine from him.

"Kendall, we can explain." Logan says desperately.

"Then explain!" Carlos snaps. James and Logan stay silent, realizing that they can't explain anything. The explanation is right there in that magazine. At the bottom of the page, there are two sets of pictures. One shows three pictures of James (one of him performing in concert, a selfie he posted on Twitter while he was sick, and a recent picture of him looking rather disheveled as he leaves the mall) and the other set shows three pictures of Logan (one of him in a BTR photo shoot, one of him being wheeled to an ambulance after his accident, and another of him stumbling out of a nightclub).

"This is what you guys have been up to?" Kendall scoffs. "We've been working our butts off and you two have been on some stupid downward spiral? Logan, I'm not that surprised by you, but still! What is wrong with you? The same goes for you, James!"

"Hey, will you get out of here?!" Jo yells at the paparazzi. Ryder shoots the photographers an angry look and since they know not to mess with Gustavo or any of his relatives, they quickly back off, heading in some other direction. James wasn't too concerned about them anyway. He's busy listening to Kendall criticize them.

"This was stupid and irresponsible!" Kendall yells. "And Logan, why the hell was James with you anyway? Were you encouraging him to drink?"

"Kendall, that's enough." James warns.

"Maybe we shouldn't even be friends with you! You're influence James to be just like you!"

Out of nowhere, in a fit of rage, Logan raises his fist and punches Kendall. It's not too hard to see that the leader of the group is shocked, but he's also trying to keep his cool. He looks like he'd like to beat Logan up, but Logan is already walking away. James knows that he needs to be angry at one of them, but he's not sure who he's more pissed off at.

"Honey, are you okay?" Jo asks frantically, helping her boyfriend off the ground.

"Yeah." Kendall flinches, touching his left cheek. A purple bruise is already starting to knew that Logan had a violent streak? James misses the old Logan, the brains of the group that was always discouraging them from doing something dangerous and stupid.

"Better go and make sure that your drinking buddy is okay." Carlos says bitterly, walking away with the others. James really wants to cry right now, but he doesn't want the paparazzi getting anymore embarrassing pictures of him. He's already in enough trouble.

* * *

"Logan?"

Logan barely hears his name being called. He's sitting on the bathroom floor with a bottle of beer in his hand, chugging it as quickly as he can. He's so glad that he remembered to lock the stall door because he really doesn't want James taking his booze away. And Kendall doesn't think they should be friends with him? Fine!

Once he has drank all the alcohol, he smacks the bottle without thinking, tearing up as he grabs a piece of glass. He has never considered self harming before, but that's only because he had friends supporting him. Now he has none, so why shouldn't he make a few cuts on his arms? Maybe he'll even end his pathetic life. He's not use to anyone, so there's really no point in living.

A single tear falls down his cheek as he presses the glass to his skin, making a single cut. When he realizes how good the pain feels, he makes another cut and he's soon slashing his arm left and right. It burns and it's kind of painful, but it's a good feeling. It takes all of his other problems away, including the realization that he just lost his best friends.

"Logan, are you okay? I see blood..." James asks worriedly. Logan isn't even aware of the pool of blood that is beginning to cover the tiled floor. Even if he did, he wouldn't care. He's barely conscious, though, so he's unable to care at the moment. He doesn't wanna live this life anymore. He has been nothing but trouble.

"Alright, I'm coming in!" James announces. Logan looks up as James rams the door open, then he closes his eyes. He can hear James shouting his name and calling for help, but it doesn't phase him. He can feel his life slipping away and he's not the least bit bothered by it. Okay, maybe the thought of dying scares him a little bit, but maybe it's for the best.

"I'm calling for help, okay?" James says tearfully, pulling Logan into his arms. "I'm gonna get you some help."

* * *

"I can't believe this!" Kendall shouts, throwing the magazine down. "How could they be so irresponsible?"

"I don't know what you think, but I think you were a little hard on them." Ryder points out. Kendall glares at her before continuing to pace back and forth in the sand. He knows that he reacted appropriately. He's angry about what James and Logan have been doing. Why shouldn't he be? They've been lying to everyone!

"Hey, why are paramedics running to the restroom?" Carlos frowns. Kendall turns around to face the direction of the restrooms, confused by the sight of said paramedics. What's going on? He soon catches James approaching one of the uniformed men, all of his anger fading away. Something's wrong. He can feel it.

"James!" He calls out, running toward his friend. "What's going on?"

"Are you happy now?!" James screams at him.

"Jay, what are you talking about?" Kendall asks, completely baffled.

"I walked into the restroom to find Logan drunk and cutting his arm! He tried to kill himself, Kendall!" James shouts, trying to lunge at Kendall. "All because you suggested that we not be friends with him!"

Kendall backs away and hides behind Carlos, feeling scared of James for the first time in his life. He has never seen James so angry before, but he knows that his friend is right. This is his fault. if he had kept his temper under control, he wouldn't have said that and Logan wouldn't have done this.

"Jay, calm down." Carlos says gently, reaching out to James.

"Don't touch me!" James pushes the shorter boy's hands away. "Let's just get to the hospital. And Kendall, I demand that you apologize to Logan. This may be the last time we get to see him alive."

* * *

**Don't worry yet! I would never kill Logiebear off:( **

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	21. Running Away

"Joanna, he's fine." Mama Knight says over the phone. "They wanna keep him overnight for observation, then he can go home."

There is so much tension in this waiting room. James has already heard his parents talking about shipping him off to some rehab center for a few months. In his opinion, he doesn't need rehab. What he needs is his wife and for his best friend to be okay. Besides, he's nineteen, which means that he's legally an adult and doesn't have to go to rehab if he doesn't want to.

"I'm not going to rehab." He says adamantly.

"James-" Brooke tries to argue.

"You're going whether you like it or not." Samuel says firmly. James clenches his jaw, looking away. He just wants to see Logan. Joanna couldn't fly out here because she recently lost her job and without that, well, she can't afford a plane ticket. She does want Logan to go back to Minnesota to be with her, though. If she can find a way to pay for it, she'd like to send him to this one rehab center in Minneapolis.

"James?" A young nurse says. "Logan would like to speak with you."

James looks at his friends and his parents, getting out of his seat. He follows the nurse down the hallway until they arrive at Logan's room. He quietly thanks her before entering the room. Logan is wide awake, gauze wrapped around his left arm. He doesn't look very comfortable, but that's no surprise. He probably has a massive hangover.

"Mama Knight told me that my mom wants to send me to rehab." He says. "Again."

"My parents want the same for me." James says bitterly, shutting the door. He walks over to the bed and sits on the mattress, looking at his broken friend. He can't believe that this is Logan, the brains of Big Time Rush. He misses the old Logan so much, but he has a feeling that the old Logan is gone for good. After all this, none of them will ever be the same again.

"What are we gonna do?" Logan asks sadly. "I don't wanna go to rehab."

"I can only think of one option." James answers. "We run away."

"Run away? You think we should run away?"

James knows that it sounds crazy, but it'll keep them out of rehab. They'll go far away from here and they'll finally have freedom. Just two best friends living life together. They can stay in a hotel for a while, get jobs, and when they can afford it, they'll get an apartment. The best part is that no one will be able to tell them what to do!

"Look, aren't you tired of someone else always trying to control your life?" He asks.

"Well, yeah, but-"

"Then let's do it!" James says eagerly. "I'll convince my parents to let me stay here for the night and when everyone is gone, we'll escape from here and we'll catch a plane to New York City."

He can tell that Logan is apprehensive, but he also knows that this will be a good thing for them. They need to get out of the crazy town and away from all the pressure. They need freedom and peace. He loves his friends and family, but he doesn't want to risk being put in a rehab center for God knows how long. He would go crazy!

Logan sighs. "Okay, we'll do it, but I think we're gonna need a little help.

* * *

"You dorks want me to help you escape from the hospital and get a plane to NYC?" Ryder snorts. "Wow."

"Didn't you say you wanted to get back at Gustavo for getting you banned from Target?" Logan asks her. She shrugs, her arms crossed. Logan really doesn't know what James was thinking when he suggested asking Ryder for help. If anything, she'll turn on them and blab to the others about their escape plan.

"Well, this is your chance." James tells her.

"Okay, fine." Ryder answers. "After everyone leaves, I'll create a distraction so you guys can make a run for it."

Logan has never been a risk taker, but maybe it's time to change that. He'll admit that he's intimidated by this whole plan, but he's eager at the same time. This is his chance to do something outside his comfort zone. If he can chug a whole bottle of vodka in less than fifteen minutes, he can have the guts to escape from a hospital and run away to New York City with his best friend.

Knock! Knock!

"If I get in trouble, I'm blaming you." Ryder threatens, pointing a finger at James. He gives her a sarcastic look as he opens the door, letting their families and friends into the room. He hopes that they won't say anything to upset Logan. The poor guy has had a rough day already and he doesn't need anymore judgment or criticism from anyone.

"Here to yell at me some more?" Logan asks coldly, glaring at Kendall. "Why are you even here? I thought you didn't wanna be friends with me."

"Logan, you know I didn't mean that-"

James shakes his head, putting a comforting hand on Logan's shoulder. He has zero trust in Kendall right now, not after what he said earlier. Logan needs friends now more than ever, yet Kendall had the nerve to say that they shouldn't be friends with him. Well, you know what? Even if he and Carlos don't wanna be associated with Logan, James will always be there for him. He'll never abandon Logan.

"Honey, I talked to your mom some more." Mama Knight says gently. "She wants you back in Minnesota, okay? She found a rehab center in Minneapolis and she's gonna try to find a way to pay for it."

"Oh..." Logan hesitates. James gives the boy's shoulder a squeeze, still glaring at Kendall. He's mad at Carlos too. He referred to Logan as James's "drinking buddy." Okay, last time James checked, Logan has been James's best friend since third grade. He's not just some idiot that James gets wasted with on the weekends.

"Hey, anyone talk to Gustavo yet?" Ryder questions.

"Yep, and he's infuriated." Mama Knight says calmly. "I think he's ready to fire the boys."

James cringes at such a thought. He doesn't wanna lose his job. He's living his dream in LA and he can't stand the possibility of that dream being taken away from him. Why would Gustavo fire them? Other singers have partied hard and they never got fired. Did Vanessa Hudgens get fired from High School Musical when her photo scandal happened? No! Did Britney Spears get fired when she had her meltdown? No!

"Well, that's ridiculous." Logan argues.

"Actually, maybe this is for the best." Brooke states. "Maybe you boys need to step out of the spotlight for a while."

James looks at his mom with disbelief. She _wants _Gustavo to fire them? James thought that she would always support his dream no matter what. Why is she turning her back on that? He doesn't understand why everyone seems to be against him lately. Considering everything that has happened in the past few months, you'd think that everyone would be more supportive.

"But that's ridiculous!" Logan says desperately. It's easy to see that he's getting upset and James reaches out, pulling him into a hug. This is just awful! Absolutely awful! Life was okay a while back, then it all turned into one big mess. James wishes he knew why things like this happen.

* * *

"Ryder is a better actress than I thought." Logan states, peeking his head out the door. As a distraction, Ryder pretended to pass out and now all the doctors and nurses are making a big fuss over her. James laughs at the sight, surprised at how realistic the scene looks. Now, he and Logan just need to get to the elevator.

"Alright, let's go." He says, grabbing Logan's good arm. They rush past the crowd of distracted doctors and nurses, heading straight for the elevator. James anxiously presses the down button, breathing a sigh of relief when it opens. He knows that this may seem like a dumb idea, but it's really for the best.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Logan asks him. "I mean, what if it goes wrong?"

"It won't." James insists. The elevator doors open back up and the two boys make a hurried exit, running across the parking lot. The airport is twenty five minutes away, but that's not so bad. It's just fifteen miles! They can walk fifteen miles, right? Oh, who is he kidding? They need to get a taxi.

* * *

Two hours later, they are on a plane to New York City. James fell asleep after about thirty minutes on the plane, while Logan is looking out the window. They didn't have time to pick anything up from the Palm Woods, so they have no money, no clothes, absolutely nothing. They had to get Ryder to lend them enough money to pay for their plane tickets, but they have no money of their own to pay for their necessities.

Logan looks at his gauze covered arm, shaking his head in disappointment. He regrets his mistake now, but it's not like he can go back in time and stop himself from doing it. He was just so hurt after the fight with Kendall and Carlos. Lately, it seems like James is the only one that is truly there for him.

How are they gonna get by on their own? They might have to stay at a homeless shelter until they can get jobs and earn enough money to survive. How did they get to this point in their lives?

"Jay..." He whispers.

"Mmm, what?"

"What are we gonna do when we get there?" He asks softly. "We can't take care of ourselves because we have no money or clothes."

"We'll figure something out."

Logan doesn't like that answer. He wants to know exactly how they're gonna survive on their own. They need to have some kind of plan, otherwise they're screwed. The homeless shelter seems to be their only option. Who knew that they would be in a situation like that? It really frightens Logan to think that they're gonna have to live in a shelter.

"Jay, what if it goes wrong?" He questions.

"Logan, everything will be fine." James insists. "Don't be so pessimistic!"

Logan huffs, grumbling under his breath. He's gonna trust James, but he still has doubts about this whole thing. Somehow he gets the feeling that this isn't gonna go very well.

* * *

**Yeah, I had James and Logiebear run away:P I wonder how that'll work for them;)**

**Anyway, I'm gonna start a new chapter of Play With Fire and post it later!**

**Review! :D**


	22. Desperate

**_I don't usually do triple updates, but today I thought "Oh, what the heck!"_**

* * *

**_James Diamond and Logan Mitchell Are Missing_**

**Logan Mitchell, 19, was rushed to the hospital yesterday after a reported suicide attempt, which follows months of addiction and hard partying for the star. Now he and his equally troubled bandmate, James Diamond, also 19, have been reported missing! According to a hospital staff member, she had gone in to check on Mitchell, only to find that he was not in his room.**

**That staff member also stated what she suspects is the reason for their disappearance.**

**"I know that their parents have been talking about putting them in rehab." She stated. "That's what they're probably trying to avoid."**

**According another source, Mitchell was taken to the hospital after a fight with his bandmate Kendall Knight that ended with him attacking the twenty year old before running off and drinking a bottle of beer before cutting his arm with broken glass.**

**"Kendall accused him of being a bad influence on James, then he suggested that they not be friends with Logan anymore." The source said. "I think that really triggered something."**

**Both Mitchell and Diamond have been known for their squeaky clean images, which have been tarnished by a handful of controversy as of late. Will this troubled superstars get the help they need and make a comeback? Or will they join the ranks of other has-beens like Lindsay Lohan?**

**We sure hope not!**

**According to Officer Tyrone Sands of the LAPD, a search team is looking for the teens, hoping to bring them into custody and get them the help they need.**

**"We will do everything we can to find these kids." He said. "They appear to be very unstable and in need of serious psychological treatment, whether they want it or not."**

Camille can't believe that she's reading this. Her boyfriend and one of her best friends have run away and are probably chugging down shots of vodka at this very moment. She thought that Logan was sober! She can't believe that he and James have been lying this whole time. When the cops find those two, she's gonna have a few choice words for them.

"Joanna, a search party is looking for them right now." Mama Knight says over the phone. Camille sighs and turns her laptop off, looking around the crowded apartment. A few police officers and the friends and family of the two runaways are here. James's mom is showing Officer Sands a picture of James and Logan, which the officer is eyeing carefully. Oh, where could James and Logan be? Camille is so worried about them.

"They don't have the proper resources to survive on their own!" Samuel tells Officer Sands. "If they end up dead, I am suing the LAPD!"

Camille has never seen James's dad so angry before. Why wouldn't he be? His son is missing and there's no guarantee that the search party will find James and Logan. The thought terrifies Camille, but she's trying to keep her hopes high. They have to believe that they'll find those two. How far could James and Logan have gotten? They might still be here in California!

"How did they get the chance to escape?" Mama Knight asks as she hangs up.

"That's what we're trying to figure out." Officer Sands explains. "We have some detectives conducting interviews at the hospital right now."

Camille hopes that the detectives and police will be able to get some get information about James and Logan's whereabouts. They may be legal adults, but that doesn't mean that they're capable of being on their own yet. They didn't even take clothes or money, so they're probably walking the streets!

"Well," Mama Knight says, pointing a threatening finger. "Your team better find those boys."

* * *

"I'm starving." Logan complains, quietly thanking a lady that hands a ten dollar bill to him. They've been sitting on the side of the road for two hours, taking donations from people kind enough to help out two homeless teenage boys. They've got twenty five dollars so far. That's great, but James would like to earn a little more.

"Let's get at least fifty dollars or more, then we'll go and get something to eat." He tells his friend. He can tell that Logan is getting tired, so he allows the boy's head to rest on his shoulder. There aren't very many people that seem willing to give them money, but there have been a few. They should be getting more cash soon.

"Seriously, man, I'm really hungry." Logan complains. James looks down at his friend, his eyes filling with sympathy. They better go ahead and get some food. They can at least buy something small with the twenty five dollars that they have. He knows a really good thai restaurant that sells shrimp dumplings for 7.95.

"Alright, I know a place." He says, helping Logan off the concrete. Together, they walk down the sidewalk to Seeda Thai, a delicious thai restaurant that James frequently visits when he comes to NYC. The shrimp dumplings are his favorite. It's just an appetizer, but it'll be enough to satisfy them until they can get more money.

"Hi, welcome to Seeda Thai!" A peppy waitress greets. "How many?"

"Two." James replies. They are seated at a comfy booth and handed two menus. James orders their drinks (two coca colas) and the waitress leaves them alone to converse quietly. They don't do much conversing, though. James watches Logan while he looks at something on his phone, wondering what the guy could possibly be so interested in.

"What's going on?" He wonders.

"My mom texted me." Logan responds, sitting his phone aside. James inhales deeply, exhaling as he looks at Logan's left arm. They changed the gauze about thirty minutes ago and James can't get the image of those cuts out of his mind. He still can't get over the fact that Logan tried to commit suicide.

"Stop that."

"What?" He laughs.

"Seriously, stop." Logan says sternly, pulling the sleeve of his hoodie over the gauze. James shakes his head, knowing that Logan is ashamed about what he did. He needs to know that James isn't holding it against him.A mistake was made, but it's over now. James isn't gonna let anything else go wrong. They'll stay at a homeless shelter, get jobs, earn some money, and find a place to live.

"You don't have to feel embarrassed."

"Uh, yeah, I do." Logan argues, keeping his head down.

"Your drinks." Their waitress says cheerfully, two glasses of coke on the table. "Are you boys ready to order?"

"Yeah, we'll both have shrimp dumplings." James says politely. The waitress writes the orders down, giving him a flirty look before disappearing into the kitchen. When James looks back at Logan, he finds his friend on the verge of laughter. He doesn't see what's so funny. That chick is really creepy.

"I think she likes you, Jamie bear."

"Do you wanna get slapped? No? Then don't call me Jamie bear!"

Logan laughs to himself, while James just rolls his eyes. Alright, forget it! James doesn't even care if that waitress was hitting on him. He doesn't wanna date any other woman ever again. The love of his life is gone and if he can't have her, then he refuses to have anyone else. He has his friends, his family, and hopefully his career.

"Look, let's focus on the current situation." He says firmly. "There's a homeless shelter nearby and we're gonna have to stay there until we have a way to support ourselves. We have to focus, man!"

He doesn't mean to sound cranky, but this whole thing is really stressing him out. He wishes that they had gotten a chance to properly prepare for this, but they had to get out of LA before anyone could stop them. They wouldn't have had time to stop by the Palm Woods and grab some money and clothes.

"Um, James?"

"Yeah."

"We're on TV."

"What?!" James whispers in a panic, looking at the TV.

"The search is on for missing teen star James Diamond and Logan Mitchell. The two Big Time Rush singers went missing after Mitchell was hospitalized for a suicide attempt and it was suggested that they both enter rehab. According to a friend of the stars, things have spiraled out of control ever since Diamond was diagnosed with leukemia nearly two years ago."

"Um..." He hesitates, quickly motioning to their waitress.

"Can I help you?"

"Yeah, could we get those shrimp dumplings to go? We have somewhere to be." James explains. The waitress gladly agrees and goes back to the kitchen to get their food boxed up. Minutes later, she returns with two boxes, handing them to the boys. After James pays, he and Logan leave the restaurant as fast as they can.

* * *

"You boys will be staying in this room." Carrie tells them. She's in charge of the homeless shelter. She seems to take really good care of everyone. All of the homeless shelter's residents seem to like her a lot. Logan knows that he does. She's really sweet and she reminds him of Devonne.

"You know, you look like Lucy Hale from Pretty Little Liars." James tells her. "Just a little older."

"I'm thirty." Carrie smiles before leaving the boys alone to get settled in. "Oh, and lunch is at noon!"

Logan takes a moment to observe the room. It's nice that someone takes in people like him and James, but this isn't their room. He misses his own comfy bed and he's starting to feel like running away was a mistake. Then again, he definitely doesn't wanna go back to rehab. That's the only reason he agreed to this.

"You know people are looking for us, right?" He points out. "James, what if someone recognizes us from the news?" There are a lot of things to think about, like the point that he just made. All of the news stations are showing their picture, so people can contact the police if they think they've seen the boys.

"Look," James says, gently grabbing his shoulders. "We're gonna be fine, okay? We're gonna get through this together."

Logan sniffles and moves to sit on his new bed, rubbing his eyes. He has already done enough crying. He's so sick and tired of being seen as some weak drug and alcohol addict. He can at least try to avoid crying like a baby. And maybe James is right! Maybe they'll be okay and no one will find them!

"I think it's time to change your gauze." James murmurs. "I'm gonna ask Carrie if she has some."

Logan sits in silence, waiting for James to return with some new gauze. While he waits, he begins removing the old gauze, cringing at the sight of his cuts. He still doesn't know what got into him, but he wishes that he had never done this. He wishes that he had never gotten hooked on cigarettes, drugs, and alcohol. He wishes that he didn't have so many regrets.

"Okay, let's do this." James announces, sitting next to him. He holds out his arm, flinching as his friend begins wrapping the new gauze around his arm. He seems to develop more self hatred every day. Why shouldn't he hate himself? He became an addict and he brought James down with him. What kind of friend is he?

"Remember, you and I are gonna be okay." James reassures him. He finds himself being pulled into a hug and he only feels slightly comforted. He won't be truly okay until their lives go back to normal and they can forget that all this drama ever happened.

* * *

**Review! :D**


	23. Discovered

"Where could they be?" Katie asks, looking visibly frustrated. Kendall doesn't know how to answer his little sister's question. It has been two weeks since James and Logan disappeared and no evidence has been found as to where they might be. The Palm Woods has been full of tension ever since James and Logan went missing, but it's nothing compared to the tension inside 2J. James's mom is always crying and Mama Knight is constantly on the phone with Logan's mom.

"You don't know, do you?" Katie says sadly.

"No, baby sister, I don't know." Kendall confesses. Truthfully, he's starting to wonder if James and Logan will ever be found. It's been two weeks and the police haven't been able to locate them. The chances of finding them aren't looking too good. It's a very unfortunate fact, but Kendall refuses to lie to himself or anyone else.

"This sucks." Carlos pouts, entering the living room. Indeed, it does suck. Kendall hasn't had a good night's sleep in two weeks and everyone else is a miserable wreck. He doesn't understand why James and Logan can't just come home, so they can all talk about the options. Everyone knows that they need rehab and they should accept that.

"Hey, has Griffin decided what he's gonna do with you guys?" Katie questions.

"No, but he has mentioned releasing us from the label." Kendall replies. "We've been at the center of so much controversy lately and it supposedly reflects badly on Rocque Records."

He originally wanted to be a hockey player for the Minnesota Wild, but he has found that he loves singing and performing. If Griffin does fire them, Kendall can always follow his hockey dream, but he loves music and he loves being in Big Time Rush. Every night, he prays that Griffin will give them another chance, but it's not looking very likely.

"Hey, I wonder if Ryder knows anything." Carlos frowns. "I mean, she did stay at the hospital the night that they disappeared."

You know, that actually makes sense. If Ryder was at the hospital that night, unless she was in a different section of the building, she must know something. Although, if she does, why wouldn't she tell anyone? Could it be that she took part in their escape? Like, maybe she distracted the hospital staff while James and Logan snuck out!

"We're going to her house." He says, standing up. "Carlos, Katie, let's go."

* * *

"RYDER, OPEN THIS DOOR!" Kendall yells, knocking rapidly.

"I'M COMING, KENDORK!"

Carlos snorts upon hearing the hilarious nickname. Kendall shoots him a dirty look and he knows better than to say anything else. Anyway, he wonders if Ryder really does know something about James and Logan's whereabouts. He doesn't wanna believe it, but he's smart enough to know that she must have seen something when she stayed at the hospital that night.

"Okay, why are you here?" Ryder groans as she opens the door. Carlos gulps upon seeing her attire. A tight black tank top and tiny denim shorts with studded pockets. Ugh, why does she have to be so attractive? They're trying to find out where their friends are and she's unknowingly seducing him!

"You know something about James and Logan, don't you? I swear to God, Ryder, you better tell us if you do." Kendall states firmly. They eye Ryder carefully, instantly noticing the hint of guilt in her eyes. Oh my gosh, she _does _know something! Although Carlos find her appealing, he's disgusted by the fact that she kept some important information from them.

"They're in New York City."

"New York City? Are you sure?" Kendall asks her. They step into the house, following her into the living room. They all sit on the floor and patiently wait for her to tell them everything she knows.

"Look, neither one of them wants rehab, so James suggested running away." She explains. "They asked me to help them escape, so I pretended to faint and distracted the hospital staff, while they snuck out of the hospital. I also gave them money to buy two plane ticket to NYC. I don't know exactly what part of NYC they're in, but that's where they are."

Carlos feels a huge wave of relief. Now they know where their best friends are. That'll make it so much easier for police to find them and bring them home where they belong. Yeah, they may not want rehab, so they might have to be checked in by force. Carlos doesn't like seeing people upset, but he also wants what's best for James and Logan.

"Why don't you guys check some of the homeless shelters?" Ryder suggests. "They had no money to pay for, well, anything. I know they couldn't stand to go two weeks without shelter, so I'd recommend checking some of those places out."

"One more question." Kendall says. "Why did you help them? Even you're smart enough to know that they need help."

"I wanted to get back at Gustavo for getting me banned from all Target stores in California." Ryder mumbles. "I knew he would be pissed if his dogs went missing, so I agreed to help them skip town."

Carlos's jaw drops. So his best friends are missing because Ryder wanted revenge against Gustavo? Who cares if she's banned from Target?! If she needs to buy groceries, go to Wal-Mart or HEB! Target isn't the only store in California, you know! Suddenly, he doesn't find himself as attracted to this girl anymore.

"Come on, we're going to the police station." Kendall instructs, nodding at Katie and Carlos. Well, at least they finally got some valuable information. Carlos is still mad at Ryder, though.

* * *

"You know, I never thought that we would have resort to a homeless shelter." Logan states, drinking a bottle of Corona Extra. They were able to collect enough money to buy a six pack of beer, three bottles for each of them. Being homeless is a tough lifestyle, but they're grateful for the kindness from the people at the homeless shelter.

"At least we don't have to worry about being trapped in a stupid rehab center." James smiles, the alcohol already starting to affect him. He's just got a slight buzz, though, so he's still stable enough to be aware of his surroundings. It would be a bad idea to get drunk in the crowded streets of New York City.

"I didn't think you would even consider doing something like this." Logan informs him. "You've always been the rich boy that refuses to have anything less than the very best you can get."

James rolls his eyes, taking another sip from the bottle. Okay, he knows that he has this reputation for being vain, self absorbed, and a little spoiled, but if he has to lower his standards to protect his freedom, then you can bet that he'll do it. He doesn't love being homeless, but he's doing it to protect himself and Logan.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Like what?"

"When I got sick, why did you turn to cigarettes and alcohol? The Logan I know would consider those things unhealthy."

"Jay, I was worried about you and I didn't know how to handle it."

"Yeah, but I also remember you blaming yourself because you thought that my chances of survival would have been higher if you had recognized my symptoms sooner." James points out. He doesn't mean to bring back any bad memories, but he wants to know why Logan changed. The shy and cautious genius has been long gone and, surprisingly, James misses him.

"Well, it's true." Logan says. "If I had just been able to recognize your symptoms, we could have gotten you help before your cancer developed any farther."

James understands where Logan is coming from, he really does, but he doesn't want his friend to wallow in self blame. When he was diagnosed, his chances were over fifty percent, which is a good thing. His chances weren't one hundred percent, but it was more than half. What's the point of Logan blaming himself for something that obviously wasn't his fault?

"Come on, I know you're smarter than that." James smirks.

"Jay, you obviously don't know me as well as you think." Logan murmurs. "I feel like my intelligence is all there is to me, so I don't really take the word "smart" as a compliment."

"What are you talking about? Logan, being smart is a really good thing. Sometimes I wish I was as smart as you."

"There's nothing else special about me. For the past few years of my life, I've watched you guys and wondered why I couldn't be that amazing. Kendall, he's good looking, popular, talented, and athletic. Carlos has the cute factor going for him, not to mention that he's carefree and completely irresistible. Then there's you, James. You're attractive, popular, talented, athletic, and ladies love you."

James shakes his head, not agreeing one bit about what Logan is trying to say. He's talking about Kendall, James, and Carlos as if they're perfect. He has no idea! James better get such crazy ideas out of this kid's mind before Logan goes insane. He can't live his whole life feeling jealous of everyone else.

"We're not perfect." James tells him. "Kendall has an anger management problem-"

"No, he's simply not afraid to stand up for himself."

"Well, Carlos is way too hyper and he isn't the brightest crayon in the box-"

"Maybe, but girls think he's adorable."

"And me? You think I'm full of self confidence, but I'm not. I mean, do you really think that I feel good about myself after everything I've been through? I cry myself to sleep at night because my wife is dead and I never got to meet our daughter." James is in tears now, no longer paying full attention to his friend next to him.

"Jay-" Logan says softly, pulling James into a hug. He sobs into his best friend's shoulder, breaking down completely. He hasn't cried like this in days and the fact that he's doing it in full few of bystanders is humiliating. He doesn't care that much, though. He's grieving and he's doing it in the arms of a really good friend.

"Um, boys?" A woman's voice queries. "Are you James Diamond and Logan Mitchell?"

* * *

***suspenseful music* Well, they can't hide forever! *stop suspenseful music***

**Review and you'll get a hug;P**


	24. Lost and Found

"We are so screwed." Logan states. That woman drove them to the freaking police station! Logan is freaking out because an officer already called home and now Mama Knight and James's parents are coming to get them. Being homeless has been a scary experience, but it would be fine as long as they could avoid rehab as long as possible. Logan knows that sounds bad, but he's just terrified!

"We were so close." James answers softly. Logan nods, looking around the police station. It shouldn't be much longer before the adults arrive to pick them up, but not before yelling at them for running off. He wishes that adults were more understanding. Can't they try to accept that he and James don't want rehab? Is that so hard?

"And Ryder couldn't have denied that she knew anything?" Logan questions. "I mean, I thought that we could trust her!"

"Dude, it's probably hard to keep a secret when people are interrogating you."

Logan gives him a curious look, a small smile appearing on his own face. Now probably isn't the time to tease his friend, but he can't resist. Honestly, it's fun to tease James. He gets so defensive and irritated. It gives Logan something to laugh about.

"Logan, why are you looking at me like that?"

"You like Ryder, don't you?"

"What? No!"

"Yeah, you do!" Logan grins.

"Logan Phillip Mitchell, shut up!"

For the first time in a while, Logan laughs, amused by the expression on James's face. That kid may not be as temperamental as Kendall, but he's still got a fiery temper. He just doesn't react physically like Kendall does sometimes. Instead, he'll give a dirty look, maybe even shoot the middle finger, and then walk away.

"Hey, I'm just saying." Logan chuckles, inhaling deeply. Now, back to their current problem. How will they explain their two week disappearance? Before they were dragged to the police station, James was able to purchase a magazine with Big Time Rush on the front cover, and the headline was "Rocque Records CEO Arthur Griffin's Decision Regarding Scandal Plagued Boy Band."

"So...you wanna check this out?" James asks, staring down at the magazine.

"Lemme see it." Logan murmurs. He gulps heavily, reluctantly turning the page to the cover story. Dear God, he dreads reading this, but it's best that they know what to expect when they return home.

**Rocque Records CEO Arthur Griffin's Decision Regarding Scandal Plagued Boy Band**

**Two weeks ago, news broke out that Big Time Rush's Logan Mitchell had been hospitalized for a suicide attempt. This followed at least two scandalous years for the troubled teen star. After it was reportedly suggested that he and his equally troubled bandmate, James Diamond, enter rehab, they disappeared. Today, neither of them has been found.**

**Ever since the most recent BTR related scandal, we have been eagerly awaiting word from Rocque Records CEO Arthur Griffin on what the fate of this beloved boy band would be. Griffin has finally announced his (very unexpected) decision. Big Time Rush will be dropped from Rocque Records.**

**"Kendall, James, Carlos, and Logan are very talented and it saddens me to see them go, but when things get out of hand as they have recently, there's nothing else we can do." He said in a statement earlier this week. "As of today, Big Time Rush is no longer signed with Rocque Records."**

"So that's it?" James snaps, taking the magazine back. "Gustavo is just gonna let us go? He isn't even gonna try to put up a fight?"

Logan can't say anything in response. Whether they like or not, Big Time Rush is Big Time Done. They'll just have to accept it and move on with their lives. However, what if they don't wanna accept it? Logan originally planned on becoming a doctor, but he is amazed at how much he has come to love singing and performing. Maybe this is what he wants to do with his life.

"Well, what can we do about it? James, it's not like Griffin will change his mind!"

He doesn't wanna be pessimistic, but he has always been a realistic person. This whole thing is his fault. If he hadn't ever touched alcohol or cigarettes in the first place, James wouldn't have done the same, and Big Time Rush would still be signed to the record label. Gosh, why does he have to screw everything up?

"Hey, you wanna hear the song I wrote for Devonne?" James asks softly.

"Um, yeah."

James is about to start singing when someone suddenly calls out their names.

"JAMES DIAMOND AND LOGAN MITCHELL!"

Ugh, it's Mama Knight. She doesn't sound happy. They're definitely screwed. They'll be forced into rehab and they'll be forced to stay away from each other, as well as Kendall and Carlos. Big Time Rush is ending in more ways than one. Not only is the band finished, but the friendship will probably end as well. At least, according to their families.

"Oh my gosh!" Brooke gasps, running over to James. "Honey, you look terrible!"

"Boys, what were you thinking?" Samuel scolds. "You had us worried sick!"

"Did you do this because you don't wanna go to rehab?" Mama Knight asks, clearly confused.

"Not just because of that." Logan explains. "We figured that, after everything that has happened, our families would try to keep James and I away from each other, Kendall, and Carlos. We were scared that you guys would try to break up our friendship. This was sort of a protest."

"Boys, I cannot believe you thought that." Brooke states. "We would never try to keep you boys apart."

Logan and James look at each other, surprised by Brooke's answer. It's good to know that their friendship won't be forced to end, but that's not what Logan was expecting anyone to say. He thought that he would be accused of being a bad influence and the four hockey players from Minnesota would no longer be a foursome.

"But you're still going to rehab." Samuel says sternly.

"Yeah, we kind of figured that." James mumbles.

Well, this is the end of their little adventure. Now they have to go back to boring Minnesota and go to rehab, then go back to their boring lives. It's not fair! Logan loves Los Angeles! The years that he has spent in California have been the best years of his life! Now it's all over and he's really sad about it!

"Don't EVER do something like this again." Brooke warns.

"Don't worry, mom." James says in a quiet, saddened voice. "We won't."

* * *

Kendall, Carlos, Kelly, and Katie all look miserable as Gustavo and Ryder argue right in front of them. Ever since Gustavo found out about the stunt Ryder pulled, they have been going at it. Hey, the girl did keep some major information from them. This whole time, she knew where James and Logan were and she didn't tell anyone. Kendall feels betrayed!

"You got me banned from TARGET!" Ryder shrieks. "We went there, you purposely tried to aggravate me, I got upset, and I am not allowed in any California Target stores for a year! So I helped your monkey dogs escape from the hell hole called rehab! I've been in juvie before and it is NOT fun!"

Kendall groans as loud as he can, ready to rip those two to shreds. Whatever issue they have with each other, he wishes that they would hurry up and get it sorted out. Why don't they just go to family counseling or something? You know, instead of constantly attempting to drive each other insane.

"Well, the day you went to juvie was the BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!"

"Well!"

"You, young lady, are spoiled, mean, and obnoxious!"

"Oh, like you're not!"

"Shut them up." Katie sings under her breath. Carlos sighs as he walks to his room, while Kendall and Katie wait on the couch, wondering what that kid has planned. All Kendall knows is that his mom and James's parents flew out to New York City a few hours ago to pick up James and Logan, and Mama Knight called fifteen minutes ago to inform him that they were back in LA.

"SHUT UP OR I WILL HIT YOU BOTH WITH MY HOCKEY STICK!" Carlos's voice yells. That's just enough to get Ryder and Gustavo to quiet down. Carlos may not be as intelligent as Logan, but he's not an idiot either. He can be really helpful in situations like this. He's considered the cute one of the group, but he can be tough too.

"Well, we got you boys home safe."

Their heads snap in the direction of the entrance, all eyes on James and Logan. An awkward silence feels the room. An awkward, uncomfortable silence. Okay, Kendall is gonna try really hard not to kill them, but it won't be easy. He can't believe that they would do something so stupid!

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU DOGS!" Gustavo screams, trying to lunge at the two teens. But Kelly and Ryder are able to restrain him. Really, Big Time Rush has already been fired, they'll have to go back to Minnesota, James and Logan will have to attend rehab, and Kendall has the stress of dealing with his pregnant and hormonal girlfriend, so they don't need anymore drama.

"Dude, Mama Knight's snickerdoodles are freaking awesome."

They all turn to look at Jo, who has been raiding their kitchen all afternoon. Lucy warned her that if she doesn't stop, she's gonna be as big as Jessica Simpson was during her first pregnancy. Jo's response was "I don't give a (censored)." She's a very foul mouthed pregnant woman. It's funny, but kind of disturbing at the same time.

"Ya couldn't have kept quiet?" Logan calmly asks Ryder.

"Hey, Kendork came to my house and interrogated me! Besides, I was starting to feel guilty about this whole thing! My rash came back!" Ryder retorts. Um, okay?

"Look, we have important things to talk about." Kelly interrupts. "Gustavo and I think that it would be best for you guys to back to Minnesota for a while, but we're gonna talk to Griffin and see if we can convince him to take you back after James and Logan have completed rehab. It shouldn't be a problem!"

Kendall looks at his friends and he knows that they're all thinking the same thing. They hope that Kelly is right. They've worked so hard to get where they are. They can't let all their hard work be for nothing. As for their friendship, it needs some work. Kendall can sense the awkwardness between him and his three bandmates. Although he wants to save their career, their friendship comes first and maybe this break will give them a chance to make things right!

"Logan, your mom called." Mama Knight remembers. "She wants you to call her."

"And I already have your plane tickets." Kelly informs them. Of course she would. Gosh, Kendall doesn't wanna go back to Minnesota. "Jo, I know you talked about stepping out of the spotlight until after the baby is born, so I got one for you too."

Well, at least Kendall doesn't have to be separated from his girlfriend. He's still not happy, though.

* * *

**I almost considered rewriting this chapter, then I decided to keep it the way it is:) Most of the time, I am pleased with how the chapters turn out, but sometimes I feel like they could be better. I always love the plots of each chapter, but I worry that the words I use, like "says," "replies," "responds," and "questions" are used too often when the characters speak. **

**Anyway, please review!**


	25. Doubts and Regrets

In two hours, they will be on a plane to Minnesota, but James isn't about to leave without visiting his beloved wife. He visits her grave as often as he can, but he usually ends up leaving after ten minutes because it hurts so much. He wants his girl back and he wants their daughter. He may not be the most mature person for his age, but he would have been the best dad he could be.

He already has tears in his eyes when he arrives at the cemetery, but they come falling down the minute he sees Devonne's grave. God, why did she have to leave him?

"This is it." He murmurs, taking a deep breath. "I'm going back to Minnesota for rehab."

He can't say much more than that. It's always like this when he visits. He'll say one or two sentences, then just sit in silence. He can't bring himself to talk too much when he's near Devonne's grave. The cemetery is so peaceful and he doesn't wanna disturb that peace. He also feels like, if he were to say too much, he would eventually break down in tears.

After about fifteen minutes, something strange occurs. A rush of cool air brushes against his face, very unusual considering that it's supposedly eight one degrees in Los Angeles. He's assuming that he's somewhat insane, but he doesn't really know for sure. Stephanie told him that Devonne could contact him as a ghost, but he doesn't believe that. Ghosts aren't real!

"Dev, am I going crazy? Am I completely losing my mind?" He wonders. "I don't even know anymore."

He feels the cold air again. Okay, what is going on? Really, he's beginning to wonder if his sanity is flying out the window. There is no way that Devonne is trying to contact him. He almost believed in ghosts once, then he realized that "the Palm Woods ghost" was just a fake ghost that Stephanie created for a short film.

"I-I'm gonna leave now." He states, slowly standing up and backing away from the grave. He better hurry up and get to the airport. He clearly needs to get to rehab as soon as possible. You know, before his mental state deteriorates any farther. He's apparently more unstable than he originally thought.

"Jay, you ready to go?" Kendall asks, touching his back. He nods, looking at his surroundings. He knows that he felt something, but he's not sure what that something is. Oh well! He'll surely be better once he completes three months of rehab, which he really isn't looking forward to doing. The only positive is that he and Logan will be roommates.

"You know, I don't think rehab will be as bad as you think." Carlos tells him, sounding way too perky. How does that kid stay so positive when everything around him is a disaster? James is questioning his own sanity and Logan has been headed for the deep end for months now, so it's amazing that Kendall and Carlos haven't had a nervous breakdown.

"Uh huh," He responds flatly. "Don't be so sure."

* * *

"We're about to leave." Kendall informs Logan. "Be nice and hug the devil child."

"I'm not touching _that_." Logan answers coolly. "I might get rabies."

"You nauseate me!"

"Your mom must have a really loud bark."

"Look, just say goodbye, so we can go!" Carlos says impatiently. Logan and Ryder both huff, reluctantly gather each other in a hug. It's a very awkward one, though, considering that they hate each other.

"I will destroy you." Ryder whispers in his ear.

"Bite me." Logan replies. Kendall grabs him just as the plane begins boarding, guiding him toward said boarding area. He's dreading this more than James is, mostly because he has been in rehab before and he was so happy when he got out of there. Now he has to go back for three more months, all because he couldn't stand to resist alcohol any longer. Stupid, stupid, STUPID!

"I cannot believe we're doing this." James says bitterly.

"Well, look on the bright side-" Katie starts to say. "Wait, there is no bright side."

The minute they take their seats on the plane, Logan places a pillow behind his head and desperately tries to get some sleep, but that doesn't go very well. He quickly finds that he _can't _fall asleep. He's so stressed about this whole rehab thing and his only source of comfort is knowing that he'll be there with James.

"When we get to Minnesota, we're taking James and Logan straight to the New Life Treatment Center." Brooke informs Mama Knight. Logan inwardly cringes, desperately wishing that he hadn't fallen of the rails. Before James got sick, he couldn't stand alcohol and now he's being treated for alcoholism. What kind of sick person has he turned into?

"I cannot believe I am going to a loony bin." James groans.

"Oh, honey, it's a treatment center, not a loony bin." Brooke answers.

Logan doesn't care what it is. All he knows is that he and James will be stuck there for three months, locked away and unable to get out. Logan feels like his whole life has become one big pile of garbage. Devonne died, he relapsed, James fell into some dangerous habits, he attempted suicide, Big Time Rush got fired, and now two of them are headed to a place that they don't wanna be.

Fan-freaking-tastic.

* * *

"Guys, don't feel bad." Jo has been trying her best to comfort her boyfriend and friends. "When I got pregnant, I got fired too!"

"Yeah, but at least you left New Town High for health reasons." Kendall responds. "We got fired because we were 'out of control'."

Jo sighs, realizing that Kendall has a point. She got fired because the New Town High producers were looking out for her well being, but the guys got fired because two members were headed down the infamous Lindsay Lohan path. She knows that they're bummed, but it's better that James and Logan get help before they end up joining the 27 Club.

"Hey, Kendall, I'm sorry that I punched you." Logan mutters.

"Dude, I've gotten worse in hockey." Kendall insists. Jo shoots him a horrified look. He never told her that! She doesn't mean to sound like an overprotective girlfriend, but he has gotten worse injuries than a punch in the face? Either her hormones are getting worse or she's paranoid. She has such a hard time understand herself these days.

"Huh?"

"I got really banged up a few times, but it wasn't that bad."

"God, Kendall, don't scare me like that!" She snaps. Now, why are the other guys laughing? She use to not care about people laughing, but she is a very sensitive mommy-to-be. Jett commented on her weight gain the other day and she almost tackled him! It's a good thing that Lucy and Camille were there to hold her back.

"You people are such jerks!" She growls, getting up and storming to the restroom. Mumbling angrily under her breath, she shuts the door, approaching the mirror. She is almost five months along and noticeably pregnant now, which she isn't sure whether to consider a good thing or a bad thing.

"Great, I'm only nineteen years old and I look like I swallowed a basketball."

"No, I'd say you're more of a volleyball shape."

"Thanks a lot, Katie." Jo says tightly, resisting the urge to take her irritation out on the young girl. She's not that heartless. She couldn't yell at a kid, even if she wants to. For the most part, she's good at controlling her pregnancy induced temper. It's not easy, but she's capable of doing it.

"Hey, just saying." Katie raises her hands in defense, standing next to Jo. "So...are you gonna marry my brother?

"My parents want me to, but Kendall and I are still talking about it." Jo messes with some strands of blonde hair as she speaks. Truth be told, she wants to marry Kendall, but the problem is that she's not sure if he wants to marry her. You know how guys are! Many of them are afraid of commitment. She and Kendall are gonna have a child together, though, so they've already made one big commitment. Why not take it to the next level and get married?

"That's stupid." Katie tells her. "I hate when parents try to control their kids lives like that. I mean, if you and Kendall wanna get married, fine, but don't do it just because your parents want you to."

"You know, you are a lot smarter than most kids your age." Jo smiles at her. "Where did you get that from?"

"My dad, I guess." Katie shrugs. "He was always more mature than most people his age. He got made fun of a lot, but he never cared."

Talking about Mr. Knight is enough to make Jo frown. She has always been curious about the man, but she doesn't bring it up because she has never felt like it was her business. She doesn't wanna ask questions and end up annoying Kendall, Katie, or Mama Knight. All she knows is that he hasn't been around for a long time.

"He died in a car accident when I was six." Wow, Katie is good at reading people too. Jo has always liked that girl, even if Katie is a little scary sometimes. It's better than being a total pushover. Like her big brother, she isn't afraid to go after what she wants. Jo thinks that's really cool.

"I was in a car accident when I was eleven." She says, remembering the horrific event all too clearly. "My mom and I both survived, but it took a while for us to fully recover."

"I'm glad you both were okay. And Jo?"

"Yeah?"

"If you do decide to marry Kendall, I'll be happy to have you as my sister-in-law."

"Same here."

* * *

**Chapter summary: James is doubting his own sanity, Logan is having regrets, while Jo and Katie had a moment! Could there be a Jendall wedding in the future?**

**Review! :D**


	26. Delusional Mind

"So we've really come to this." Logan looks around the nicely decorated lobby. New Life Treatment Center has a beautiful campus, but he still doesn't wanna be here. He looks back on the past two years of his life and a lot of it is just sickening. He turned his back on who he really is. That's not right, is it? It's just that he was so terrified of what might happen to James. He doesn't handle uncertainty very well.

"I know." James agrees.

"Boys, the nice lady is gonna show us to your room." Brooke informs them. Reluctantly, they get off the couch and follow a young nurse through a set of double doors, walking down a long hallway. They eventually turn right down another hallway and they're in the first room to their left. It's very nice and obviously intended to make patients feel more at home, which is another positive. That's what Logan is trying to do. He's trying to look at the positives. That's what Carlos would do.

"You can decide who gets which bed," The nurse tells them. "You also have a closet, drawers, and a dresser where you can put your things. You also have your own bathroom, but just know that it cannot be locked. That's just for safety measures. We will provide you with a toothbrush, toothpaste, shampoo, soap, and other supplies. You will have group sessions each day, as well as individual sessions with your therapist."

Okay, Logan already knew that. He has been in rehab before and they're all the same. James, on the other hand, needs to know this stuff. It's just weird that James Diamond, of all people, would be in rehab at nineteen. The bad part? They'll be in here on his twentieth birthday, which is just a couple weeks away! Sad, right?

"Honey, you know we just want what's best for you, right?" Brooke says, touching James's cheek. When he doesn't respond, she places a gentle kiss on his cheek. Logan can't wait until his mom visits him. Unlike a lot of teenagers, he and his mom are really close. She's a single mom, which only brought them closer together.

"Whatever." James shrugs. Samuel sighs audibly, reaching out to give his son a hug. Now, that kind of makes Logan feel bad because he has never had a father. Mr. Mitchell left when he was only five months old, so Logan never got to know his dad. He's use to it, though, so it doesn't bother him that much. Just sometimes, you know?

"We're gonna leave you guys to get settled in." Brooke states, looking quite sad. "We'll come and visit soon."

"Okay." James whispers. The nurse, whose name tag says Hannah (pretty name!) and James's parents leave the room, leaving James and Logan alone to get adjusted to their new home for the next three months. It's not Logan's favorite moment, but they'll have to accept it. Besides, Logan wants to get sober again. He has a serious craving for alcohol right now, but he's tired of putting his loved ones through so much trouble.

"I guess you'd like the bed near the window." He smiles softly.

"Sure." James answers, putting his luggage on said bed. "Hey, can I ask you something?"

"Like what?"

"Do you believe that loved ones can contact you even after they're gone?"

"Like, a ghost?"

"Well...yeah."

"Jay, I don't believe in ghosts." Logan replies. He sort of knows where James is getting at and he doesn't really believe in that stuff. He almost believed in ghosts when the "Palm Woods ghost" was "haunting" them, but it was just Stephanie dressed in a ghost costume. For him to believe in ghosts, he would need proof that they exist.

"Oh...yeah."

"Look, let's just get settled in, then we'll talk some more." Logan says as he begins unpacking. They better get use to this place, because this is where they'll be for a while. They may not like it, but he supposes that you can't always have things your way. Sometimes you just have to learn how to accept things. That's what Logan is trying to do and he hopes that James will do the same.

* * *

"Hey, Ms. Collins?"

"Yes, Ryder?"

"I totally figured out what 4/20 is." Ryder says mischievously. "It's marijuana appreciation day!"

The teacher gets a deadpan expression on her face, while Ryder lets out a laugh. Camille and Lucy came in to talk to the class as guest speakers and they've gotten a good, first hand look at Ryder's disruptiveness. Camille can easily see why Ms. Collin's finds her so irritating. She's loud, bratty, inappropriate, rude, obnoxious, disruptive, and so much more.

"Girls, could you keep an eye on the class for me?" Ms. Collins requests. "I need to go and get some aspirin."

"Fine." Lucy groans, sitting in the teacher's desk chair. Once the teacher is gone, the two girl's are left to figure out how to occupy these kids. The minute Ms. Collins left the room, Ryder took out her cell phone and began texting, so she's okay. It's the rest of the class that Camille is concerned about. She's an actress, not a professional caretaker!

"Okay, you guys are so boring!" Ryder suddenly complains, getting out of her seat. Camille doesn't know if she trusts this girl. By the time Ms. Collin's gets back, the whole classroom could be destroyed. Oh, that's another word to describe the girl! Destructive! Even Lucy isn't that crazy.

"What fun can we have in a classroom?" Martin, Goodbye Gravity's lead guitarist, wonders.

"Find the answer's for next week's test?"

"You guys are not cheating!" Camille scolds, lightly slapping Ryder behind the head. She knows one thing that would be somewhat entertaining. Invite Gustavo over and watch as he and his niece go at it. It's not that Camille enjoys seeing people fight, but there's something very amusing about the arguments between Gustavo and Ryder.

"Ugh, I miss the four dorks." Ryder complains.

"I think she has a crush on Logan." Martin snickers.

"No, you're wrong! I have a crush on James!" Ryder blurts out, quickly covering her mouth. Camille has to cover her own mouth to keep from laughing, but Lucy doesn't even bother. She bursts out in laughter without even thinking about it. It's so cute when kids have crushes on older guys. As long as Ryder doesn't crush on Logan, Camille doesn't care. She and Logan are trying to have a long distance relationship.

"She has a journal and she has I Love James written all over it." Chris, the band's drummer, announces.

"Keep talking and I will make sure you can never reproduce." Ryder threatens. Well, that's enough to stop the teasing...for now. She's a tiny girl with a whole lot of attitude and if anyone crosses her, she's prepared to make their life a living hell. Of course, that's just the vibe that Camille gets from her.

"Hey, was Stephanie planning on calling Carlos?" Lucy murmurs.

"I don't know." Camille answers. "Ever since her first day, when Carlos ran off on her, she's been avoiding him, so I really don't know. I think she has given up on him."

"I'm craving Taco Bell."

"Ryder, please be quiet for five minutes. Can you do that?"

"Probably not."

* * *

After midnight, James is still asleep, mostly because he keeps feeling a cool breeze against his face. He's not even near a window, yet he feels unusually cold. He wonders if he could be getting a fever. Other than that, he doesn't feel sick, so that's not possible. No, something else is going on. He can feel it.

Careful not to wake Logan up, he gets out of bed, walking toward the restroom. Maybe splashing some cold water on his face will help. Chances are, he's tired and it's causing him to be a little delusional. He couldn't be going crazy, though. Could he? He has always felt completely sane, so it would be strange if he suddenly went in the opposite direction.

"You messed up, you know that?"

He barely holds back a yelp as he whips around, his eyes widening in both shock and horror. D-d-devonne? No, this isn't possible. He's imagining this. He is going insane! Ghosts aren't real! It's just not possible! Ugh, why? What is wrong with him? Oh, God, he's freaking out. He should have taken his sleeping pills.

"Relax." Ghost Devonne says, slowly approaching him. He keeps backing up until he hits the wall, once again holding back a scream. He's dreaming, right? That's the only logical explanation. Either that or his mental state is slowly crumbling. He can't bring himself to believe what he's seeing.

"W-what?"

"I wanted to make sure you're okay." Devonne says, reaching out to him. Still panicking, James stumbles past the "ghost" of his wife, desperate to get away. No, no, no, no, NO! He needs to get some sleeping pills or something because he just wants to go to sleep and forget about this! Tomorrow, this hallucination can be gone, never to return. That's not too much to ask, right?

"Y-you're not real." He stutters, trying to breathe.

"Uh, actually, I am."

"No!" James yells at her.

"Jay, please hear me out!"

"Why should I believe anything you say? You're just in my imagination! YOU-ARE-NOT-REAL!"

"Jay? What's going on, buddy?" Logan's tired voice asks from the other side of the door. James gasps for air as he yanks the door open, stumbling into his best friend's arms. Logan is clearly confused by his odd behavior, but all that matters is that he has someone that he trusts. He can't deal with this alone.

"Logie, sh-she w-w-was h-here!" He says, starting to cry.

"Who was here?"

"Devonne!" James cries, wrapping his arms around Logan's waist.

"Shhh..." Logan whispers. "Let's lay back down."

James sobs as he is taken to his bed, gently forced to lay down. Logan pulls the covers over his tired and shaking body before sitting on the mattress. He has never felt this terrified before. He doesn't know himself or what he believes anymore. All he knows that there is no way that what he just saw was real. He refuses to believe it.

"Just go to sleep, Jay." Logan says, rubbing his back. "Try to get some sleep. You'll feel better tomorrow."

Sadly, James doesn't know if that's true.

* * *

**What's your opinion? Is James insane or is he really seeing Devonne's ghost?**

**Review! :D**


	27. Troubled Waters

"Jay, you need to tell me what you saw." Logan says gently. "That way, we can figure out how to help you."

"Help me? Logan, do you think I'm crazy?" James asks quietly. Logan immediately shakes his head, much to James's relief. He couldn't stand being seen as crazy, which he's not! He knows what he saw! Devonne is trying to contact him and he knows it! Next time she comes around, he's gonna talk to her. That's a promise!

"No, I don't think you're crazy! I just wanna know what got you so freaked out last night!"

James clenches his jaw, looking at the white wall. He knows that Logan will laugh at him when he tells the truth. That's why he doesn't wanna say anything! He doesn't want anyone judging him and making accusations. A part of him is doubting his sanity, but the biggest part of him knows what what he saw was real. Devonne is definitely trying to talk to him.

"Look, I saw Devonne's ghost, okay?" He confesses. "And it scared me."

He looks away, not wanting to look Logan in the eyes. This isn't something to be amused about. He's telling the truth and he's scared that no one will believe him. He doesn't wanna end up in straight jacket. He'll go even more crazy if that happens. He can't stand being restrained. Gosh, why is this happening?

"Jay, that's not possible." Logan says calmly. "Ghosts aren't real."

James scoffs, getting off the bed. He doesn't need to hear his best friend's doubts. He doesn't care what anyone else thinks because he knows that he's not imagining anything. Yeah, it might seem a little off, but it's true! Now that he has gotten over the initial shock, he's actually happy that he saw Devonne's ghost. Maybe he'll get some closure.

"James! Jay! Look, I'm sorry!" Logan says, following him down the hallway. "I just don't think that you really saw a ghost? Remember the Palm Woods ghost? It was fake! Your mind is probably just messing with you."

"Yeah? I highly doubt that." James states, walking into the lobby. He can't believe that Logan doesn't believe him. Well, he'll just have to find a way to prove it. He needs to find a way to show Logan that Devonne's spirit still lingers. It won't be easy, but he's determined to find a way. He refuses to let anyone think that he's crazy.

"Jay-"

"Logie!"

"Mom?"

James sighs as Joanna Mitchell approaches them. He watches as she gives her son a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Well, at least the attention is off him. Normally, he loves attention, but he's not in the mood for it right now. Not when Logan thinks he's some kind of loon! As this moment, his main concern is getting proof that Devonne's ghost is real.

"Honey, don't you ever run away ever again." Joanna says sternly.

"I won't." Logan assures her, hugging his mom. James could use a hug from his own mom right now. He's not a complete mama's boy, but sometimes he enjoys when she takes him in her arms and cuddles him like a little teddy bear. She always tells people that he may seem conceited, but they have the wrong idea about him and that he's actually a big teddy bear.

"What are you boys doing?"

"We have a group session in ten minutes, then we're gonna eat breakfast." Logan informs Joanna.

"Okay, well, I'll be waiting out here in the lobby when you're done." Joanna replies, kissing his cheek. James can't bring himself to say a single word. He couldn't sleep at all last night, not after his little encounter with Devonne. Even as a ghost, she looked beautiful. It was frightening to see her, but he couldn't help noticing that she still looked like his Devonne.

"Jay, let's go to group." Logan finally says, waving to his mom before guiding James toward the group room. James is so nervous for so many reasons. He's in rehab, he's going to his first group session, and he saw his wife's ghost. What else could possibly happen to him? He would prefer if life didn't get any weirder.

* * *

"Are we gonna visit them?" Carlos asks. He and Kendall have been trying to distract themselves buy watching movies, but it's hard not to think about their two friends in rehab. Carlos can't believe how much they've been through in the past two years. Between James getting cancer, Logan becoming an alcoholic, and Devonne dying, life seems to be a huge mess.

"Tomorrow." Kendall tells him, reaching into the bowl of popcorn. Carlos frowns as he looks at Facebook on his cell phone. He's looking at Stephanie's profile right now and his guilt is slowly returning. He feels terrible for avoiding her like he did, but he's just scared to get back together with her because it hurt so much when she moved away. Yeah, he was proud that she got accepted into that performing arts school, but he really hated when she left.

Lately, he has been spending a lot of time praying for everything to go back to normal. He wants Big Time Rush to make a comeback, he wants James and Logan to be healthy and happy again, he wants to repair the band's reputation, and he wants his girlfriend back. Will that ever happen? He doesn't know!

"Hey, turn on the news!" Katie yells, urgently changing the channel.

"What are they saying?" Kendall asks her.

"More trash about James and Logan." Jo says, sitting next to her boyfriend. Carlos wonders if Kendall will propose to her. He kind of hopes so because those two would be an adorable married couple. They're in love and they're expecting a baby together, so they should totally get married. Now, more importantly, what are the stupid reporters saying about his friends?

"Hi! And welcome to The Gossip! I am Shayla Parks and tonight we will be talking about a former boy band whose career went down the drain after two of it's members spiraled of control. That band is Big Time Rush, a band once loved by many, but now seen as one of today's troubling Hollywood stories. We have some shocking news regarding troubled members James Diamond and Logan Mitchell."

"Of course you do." Kendall says flatly.

"We have new photos of Logan canoodling with an unknown blonde while James smokes a suspicious looking cigarette. This wouldn't be so scandalous if it weren't for the fact that Logan is in a relationship with actress Camille Roberts. The starlet was asked about the cheating scandal as she exited the Palm Woods hotel, with which she replied 'no comment'. Hmm, sounds like Lomille is on the rocks...big time."

Carlos shakes his head. The scandalous photo is shown on the screen. Logan is making out with some chick and James is clearly high. For Carlos, it's scary to see his two friends in this light and he wants to believe that it's a lie, but the proof is right in front of him. He can't believe that Logan would cheat on Camille! He loves her, doesn't he?

"Do you think Logan knows about this?" Jo wonders. Carlos watches Kendall lovingly rubs Jo's stomach, thinking about how eager he is to meet the baby. But that's not really his biggest concern right now. He's terribly worried about James and Logan. It's not like Logan to cheat on his girlfriend, so he was clearly a bigger mess than Carlos originally thought.

"He'll figure it out." Katie shrugs. Carlos knows that and he dreads the moment. Logan is gonna have a nervous breakdown when he hears about this.

* * *

"WHAT?!"

The whole cafeteria cringes as Logan's angered shriek fills the room. Another patient handed him the latest issue of Hollywood Gossip and apparently they have a picture of him making out with a blonde at a nightclub. Camille has probably seen this by now and he'll surely be able to expect a call from her. She'll probably break up with him!

"Logan-" James says desperately, reaching for his arm. He angrily yanks it away, his eyes glued to the magazine. This is awful! He loves Camille and he would never intentionally do anything to hurt her. He was going through some stuff and he was drunk, which made him do something really stupid!

"Whoever sent this photo out? They're gonna wish they hadn't done it." Logan growls, storming out of the cafeteria. He punches the wall and slams the door as he leaves, yelling at the top of his lungs. He doesn't normally get this angry, but his privacy has been invaded! First, someone gives out the entire story about his suicide attempt and how he punched Kendall, then someone sends this magazine a personal photo of him! He is SO PISSED OFF!

"Logan, you need to calm down!" Carly, a nurse, tells him.

"I'm not gonna calm down!" Logan yells, throwing the magazine down. "I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF PEOPLE SCREWING ME OVER LIKE THIS!"

"We can fix this!" James says, reaching out to him. This time, he lets his friend pull him into a hug, desperately trying to calm down. He doesn't believe that they can fix it, though. The photo has already been seen by the public, so there's nothing that can be done to make this right. He's screwed for life! He's gonna end up like Kristen Stewart, who suffered from a lot of backlash when she cheated on Robert Pattinson! Camille's fans probably hate him now! And what about his Rushers? Who knows what they think about this?

"I've got this." He hears James whisper to Carly. He tries to take deep breaths to relax himself, but it's hard when he's aware that he's at the center of a major cheating scandal. Now he's actually kind of grateful that he's stuck in rehab. He can only imagine what would happen if he tried to show his face in public.

"Look, I'm sure we can do something." James assures him. "When Kendall and Carlos visit tomorrow, we'll come up with a plan to repair your reputation."

"And yours." Logan murmurs. He's not selfish! He cares about James's reputation too. He just doesn't handle public humiliation very well. He has never been at the center of a scandal before. This is his first time being caught up in major controversy, so he's scared. He doesn't see how anything could get worse than this.

"Don't worry, okay?"

Logan groans, pulling away. He shoots his friend a warning look. "You better be right."

* * *

**Fun fact: My birthday is on May 9 and I'm gonna get a heart shaped cookie cake:) I'm turning 20!**

**I'll post a new chapter of Play With Fire in the next couple of days:)**

**Now, please review! :)**


	28. The Future Is Uncertain

"Okay, Dev, I need you to come back." James whispers, shutting the bathroom door. Logan thinks he's crazy for believing in a ghost, but he's gonna fix that. He just has to contact Devonne, convince her to show herself to Logan, and he won't be seen as a complete loon anymore. He may not be entirely stable, but he saw that ghost...and he's gonna bring her back.

"Come on, Dev, please come back." He begs. Just as he says that, that all too familiar breeze hits his skin. Yes, that's what he wants. Every time that breeze shows up, it always means that Devonne is near. That's what happened last time and he even felt it at the cemetery, so that means that Devonne has tried to contact him before. Man, what is happening to his mind? He's not crazy, but something is off.

"Devonne? Is that you?" He frowns, looking around the small bathroom. He yelps when he hears the door lock, suddenly feeling very terrified. He shouldn't be, though. Should he? The ghost is his wife and she doesn't wanna hurt him. Chances are, she just wants to talk to him. Dying couldn't have turned her into an evil ghost that wants to harm her loved ones.

He flinches as an invisible hand touches his cheek, but soon relaxing. He closes his eyes for a moment and when he opens them, Devonne is standing in front of him. He'll admit, this is pretty weird, but he's not as frightened as he was the first time he saw her ghost. He just keeps reminding himself that he knows Devonne and he knows that she wouldn't try to hurt him.

"Why did you lock me in the bathroom?" He whispers harshly.

"I don't want anyone else to see me." Devonne warns him. "I know you want to show Logan and prove that you're not crazy, but I don't wanna be seen. You have no idea how much drama it would cause! It's dangerous!"

James furrows his eyebrows in confusion, looking down as Devonne touches his hand. It's a strange feeling, but beautiful at the same time. He can't believe that he's actually seeing his wife again. It would be better if she actually came back to life, but since that's not possible, he's happy to be communicating with her ghost.

"Why are you back?" He asks her.

"I've been watching you and, well, I'm not happy with what I've been seeing." Devonne explains, slowly dragging her hand up his arm. "You've been grieving and it's made you make really stupid decisions. Until I am certain that you won't go back to your old habits when you get out of here, I'm gonna be keeping an eye on you."

James gulps as Devonne brings her face closer to his, hazel eyes becoming tearful. He isn't sure whether to be happy or scared. Really, it's great that he's seeing her again, but this whole experience is so confusing. She came back to make sure that he doesn't return to his wild ways? What if he can't promise that he won't? Nothing is guaranteed.

"W-what are you doing?" He stutters.

"We haven't kissed in a while." Devonne states, pressing her lips against his. He is in absolute shock, even though it feels wonderful to be having another moment with his deceased wife. He fears that he's dreaming, though, because this seems unreal. He thought that ghosts weren't real, but now he's kissing one. Really, doesn't that seem kind of odd?

"Alright, can you please unlock the door?" He murmurs. "It's getting late and I really wanna go to bed."

"Okay, but I'll be back." Devonne says. "That's a promise."

Then she disappears. Reaching for the doorknob, James prays for his sanity. He cannot believe how weird life has gotten. Heck, they still have to figure out how to deal with Logan's cheating scandal! It would be great if they could put all of this behind them, but that won't be easy. It'll be a very hard thing to do.

"Mmm, Jay, were you talking to yourself again?" Logan's tired voice mumbles.

"Um, no..." James responds. "No, I wasn't."

* * *

"Kendall, this is awful!" Carlos whines as they enter the rehab center.

"Yeah, I know." Kendall agrees as his friend hands him a copy of Pop Tiger. Everyone is talking about Logan cheating on Camille. A lot of people are pretty upset with him too. Only Gustavo, Kelly, and Griffin have bothered to stick up for him when they were interviewed. Well, Kendall knows that he'd do the same if anyone were to ask him about the scandal. He knows that this isn't really who Logan is.

"What are we gonna do?" It's easy to tell that Carlos is worried. Kendall's concerned too. Big Time Rush went from being a popular and loved boy band to a band surrounded by controversy. He never expected that their careers would end up like this. He thought that their popularity would only continue to grow.

"I don't know, but we'll figure something out." He insists as they enter the building. The friendly secretary informs them that the patients are currently in group, so they just have to sit down and relax until it's over. Until they can see their two friends, they are forced to read one of many magazine articles that is currently humiliating Logan. Kendall wishes that he could hit whoever sent out that picture.

"You know, I've been thinking about something."

"What?" Kendall frowns.

"Maybe we shouldn't go back to Hollywood." Carlos says carefully. "Look at everything that has happened since we became famous! Our lives have fallen apart. I'm just saying that it might be best if we ditch the Hollywood scene and go back to living normal, paparazzi free lives."

Wow, Carlos has never said anything that smart before. Kendall thought that the kid would be dying to return to LA, but he's kind of pleased with the boy's suggestion. Carlos is totally right! They haven't had much luck in California and it would probably be best if they just stayed away. How will James and Logan eve get better if paparazzi are photographing them everywhere they go?

"What do you think, Kendall?"

"I loved being famous, but I think you're onto something." Kendall answers. "James and Logan are both in a fragile state of mind and the pressure that comes with being famous...well, it's not healthy for them. Besides, there's a lot they can do with their lives. Logan can become a doctor and maybe James can be a music teacher or something."

Carlos smiles, nodding. If James can't be a famous singer, Kendall could totally see him teaching music. Kids would learn a lot from James, considering that he has been in the music business before. They would be lucky to have "Mr. Diamond" as their teacher. It's not that Kendall doesn't support James's dreams, but he cares more about his friend's well being.

"Hey, I think group's over." Carlos says as patients begin leaving the group room. Kendall barely smiles when he sees James and Logan. They both look incredibly tired and stressed out. It's quite difficult to believe that they're the two guys that Kendall and Carlos have known since elementary school.

"Logan, Kendall and Carlos are here." James says, tapping Logan's shoulder.

"Sorry, I was busy plotting ways to kill the person that ruined my life."

Whoa, that's something that Logan has never said before. Who knew that he was so upset about this?

"Hey, let's go relax by the pool." Carlos suggests with a tight smile, glancing at Kendall as they usher James and Logan toward the back doors. Kendall is normally an optimist, but now he's wondering if sunlight and a nice pool will be enough to cheer those two up. The fact that Logan threatened murder doesn't help either.

"So..." Carlos awkwardly starts after they're seated by the pool. "How ya doing?"

"I want to-"

"Logan, you have a phone call from Camille Roberts!"

A perky nurse interrupts him...unfortunately. Camille is probably ready to either yell at her boyfriend, break up with him, or both. The future of their relationship is uncertain. Situations like this make Kendall even more grateful that he's in a stable relationship.

"Um, you gonna answer that?" James wonders.

"I shouldn't." Logan shakes his head. Kendall personally thinks that it would only be right to confront the troubled relationship, but he also realizes that it's none of his business. He doesn't believe in meddling in other people's business, no matter how tempting it might be.

"Logan-"

"I'm in no mood to be screamed at right now." Logan replies, rubbing his temples. Okay? Um, that makes sense. They don't need anymore stress right now, but Logan will eventually have to answer Camille's phone calls. Kendall has learned that you can't avoid something forever, even if you want to.

* * *

"Ugh, he's not answering!" Camille groans, throwing her phone on the couch.

"He's probably scared." Stephanie tells her. "I mean, he probably knows what he did was wrong."

Camile huffs, lowering herself onto the couch. When she was leaving the Palm Woods and some photographer showed her the picture of Logan kissing that slut, she was absolutely infuriated. She hasn't decided if she wants to break up with him, though. After all, he was probably drunk when that picture was taken. Heck, James was smoking a marijuana cigarette in that picture!

"I may not be Logan's biggest fan, but I agree with the creepy girl." Ryder nods, ignoring Stephanie's offended expression. Camille inhales as she contemplates this. Well, she knows that, but it doesn't really matter because Logan still cheated on her. He might be feel guilty, but it won't change the fact that he betrayed her.

"Look, it might be best if you guys just spend some time apart." Lucy tells her, sitting next to her on the comfy couch. "Don't call him, don't answer his phone calls, just focus on yourself and your career."

What if Camille doesn't wanna do that? She loves Logan! He has done a lot of stupid stuff lately, but she still cares about him. That's why this whole thing is so upsetting. He's not the sweet, lovable guy that she knows so well. She wants _her _Logan back, not this crazy, hard partying stranger.

"Everything will be okay." Lucy assures her, giving her a hug. Camille wants to believe that, she really does, but she just doesn't know. She doesn't really know anything anymore.

* * *

**James learned that Devonne doesn't want to be seen, Carlos thinks that they should ditch Hollywood for good, he and Kendall are having an awkward visit with James and Logan, and Camille is uncertain about her relationship with Logan. The next chapter will pick up where this one left off, so it's likely that some important questions will be answered:)**

**Oh, and I'll update Play With Fire tomorrow:D**

**Review! :D**


	29. Love In Danger

Kelly flinches as Gustavo screams at the top of his lungs. The man has been twice as cranky as he was before the guys went home. Ryder and her Goodbye Gravity bandmates are terrible to work with, so Kelly can see why her boss is freaking out. She wishes there was some way, any way, to get Big Time Rush back. They haven't tried asking Griffin to rehire the guys, but only because they want to go about this very carefully.

Kelly misses the guys too. Yeah, James and Logan were deeply troubled, but they could have went to rehab in LA! Also, other stars have gone through meltdowns and they never got fired. Did Britney get dropped from her record label when she had her meltdown? Of course not! She got help and she got better. Couldn't it be the same for James and Logan?

She sighs as she looks at the Big Time Rush poster. You know what's sad? Griffin seems to like Goodbye Gravity better than Big Time Rush. Let's not forget that Ryder totally sucks up to him. She even got him warm pants the other day! That made him like her more than he already did. It's getting on Gustavo's nerves and, quite frankly, it bothers Kelly too. Well, she and Gustavo already talked about it and if they have to, they'll quit, start a new record label, and hire their boys back. They don't need Griffin!

"KELLY, THESE BRATS DESTROYED MY OFFICE!"

Kelly runs down the hallway and into Gustavo's office, her eyes widening. Whoa...everything is destroyed! It looks like an explosion hit this place. She doesn't see how five teenagers could possibly cause this much damage. One of the windows is broken, as if someone through something at it. What the hell?

"You guys might wanna clean this up." Ryder states, walking past them with her bandmates following her. Gustavo growls and starts to run after her, but Kelly jumps on his back and prevents him from murdering his niece. Well, Kelly can see why they're not very close. Ryder is obnoxious and destructive.

"Kelly?"

"What?"

"We've gotta get the dogs back."

"Yeah," Kelly nods. "I know."

* * *

"Can you believe this?" Logan gasps, flipping through People Magazine.

"Honey, it'll blow over." Joanna assures him. James agrees, squeezing his friend's shoulder. Their parents are visiting today, which is really nice. They're trying to figure out the best way to relieve Logan of this ridiculous cheating scandal. He was drunk and emotionally unstable, so James doesn't think it counts as cheating. He was too wasted to know what he was doing!

"Really? It's not looking so good." Logan says bitterly. James inhales deeply, looking over Logan's shoulder. He can't believe how many unflattering pictures the paparazzi got. In one picture, James is leaving a club with Logan and he's clearly stoned. His eyes are drooping, he looks unaware of his surroundings, and he looks like he's barely standing on his own. Logan doesn't look so great either! He's just holding onto James's arm to keep either one of them from falling.

"I'm sure this will all work out." Brooke insists. James rests his head on her shoulder, trying to ignore the pain in his head. He misses Los Angeles. He's actually thinking about catching a plane back out there once he's released from this place. He isn't gonna let a bit of scandal destroy his career. He will perform again. That's a promise.

"Yeah, scandals never last." Samuel agrees. He's right! Eventually, all of their scandal will have to go away. You know, as soon as something more interesting comes along. Kendall and Jo dealt with some mild controversy when it was announced that Jo was expecting their first child at nineteen. Then James and Logan reached their breaking point and no one cared that TV's teen queen was gonna be a young mom.

"You know, I think you should talk to Camille." He tells Logan.

"No way! She probably hates me." Logan replies, his eyes glued to the magazine. James rolls his eyes, taking the magazine. Logan protests a little, but it only takes one threatening look from James for him to shut up. Personally, James highly doubts that Camille hates Logan. She loves him, even when he does stupid things. She's a good listener too, so James is almost certain that she would be willing to hear an explanation.

"You're gonna talk to her." He says, taking Logan's arm and pulling him toward a phone. Logan whines, looking up at him. He shakes his head and points at the phone. He's doing this for Logan's own good. The guy needs to confront his relationship instead of avoiding the problem. James has learned that you can't do that.

"Fine." Logan pouts, dialing Camille's cell phone number. James gives his parents and Logan's mom two thumbs up. He knows Camille and while she may be a little crazy, she's super understanding. She was probably upset when she heard about the scandal, but she'll listen. No one has to be afraid of talking to her.

"Hey, Cam? It's...it's me."

* * *

"Hey, Cam? It's...it's me."

"Logan?" Camille says softly. As upset as she is, she's so happy to hear his voice. That doesn't mean that she knows what to do with their relationship. She wants to stay with him and get past all this crap, but she doesn't know if that can happen. Logan will have to give her a _really _explanation.

"Listen, I know I haven't been answering your calls, but I'm ready to talk now." Logan says. "You know, if you want to."

Camille looks down at the floor, taking a deep breath. She wants to talk as much as he does, but she doesn't really know what to say. He cheated her. That's all Camille needs to know. Can she really forgive him and continue their relationship like nothing happened? She just doesn't know about that.

"Logan, you cheated on me." She tells him.

"I know." Logan answers sadly. "But you need to understand something. I was drunk when that picture was taken. I had no idea what I was doing! I know that's no excuse, but it's the truth. I mean, I shouldn't have been drinking, but I would never intentionally cheat on you. I love you, Cam. You know that, right?"

Camille stays silent for a moment. She knows that he loves her. She loves him too. She just can't seem to get over the fact that sweet Logan cheated on her with some whore at a nightclub. She didn't even know that he was the clubbing type. He's not the Logan that she knows and loves anymore. Unless he agrees to become the old Logan again, she doesn't think that this relationship will work.

"Logan, unless you agree to become your old self, I don't think we can be together." She tells him.

"Cam-"

"Goodbye." She whispers, hanging up the phone. She doesn't feel like dealing with this right now. She's auditioning for a new Harmony Korine film and she really wants the part. It'll be the perfect opportunity for her to grow as an actress. She doesn't need to let herself be distracted by boyfriend troubles. She'll deal with Logan later.

* * *

"What did she say?" James frowns.

"She said that, unless I become my old self again, we can't be together." Logan responds. He catches a glimpse of sympathy in his best friend's eyes. He wishes that there wasn't any reason for anyone to feel sorry for him. He loves Camille so much and he never wanted to hurt her. He did something stupid and he feels so guilty about it. He needs his girlfriend in his life. He can't imagine life without her.

"Hey, let's talk about something else." Joanna suggests. "Like the fact that Jo and Kendall both changed their Scuttlebutter statuses to 'engaged'."

Even that doesn't cheer Logan up. If Kendall and Jo really are engaged, that's great, but Logan is more concerned about his own love life. There's a possibility that he has lost the first girl he truly loved. God, he wishes that there was some way to get her to forgive him. Hire a sky writer? Send her a huge bouquet of roses? Bribe Harmony Korine into giving her that role she wants so badly? He'll do anything!

"Look, Camille will get over it." James insists. "She's upset now, but she won't hold onto this forever. Eventually, she'll call and tell you that she has forgiven you and that she wants to be with you. Okay? Don't worry so much yet."

They walk over to the couch and Logan sits next to his mom, accepting a hug from her. He hopes that James is right about his relationship. He doesn't know what he'll do if Camille dumps him. What if she calls him and officially ends their relationship? As of right now, that's one of his worst fears. Camille might be crazy and unusual sometimes, but he loves her. She's funny, smart, beautiful, and she's so different than any other girl that Logan has dated.

"I think you two will be just fine." Joanna smiles. "You two are in love and I don't think one picture is enough to tear you apart."

Is his mom right? Is there a chance that Camille will let this go? He doesn't know. She sounded pretty serious on the phone. He's really beginning to think that their relationship is done, even though he doesn't want it to be. It's not like you always get what you want. All he can say is that he hopes that Camille will find it in her heart to forgive him. He never, ever meant to hurt her.

* * *

**Will Logan save his relationship? Will Gustavo and Kelly get the guys back? I hope so!**

**Review! :D**


	30. Make It Right

"I swear, we better get those dogs back." Gustavo growls, looking out the airplane window. He's still fuming over the fact that his delinquent niece and her stupid bandmates wrecked his whole office. It's gonna take forever to get that mess cleaned up! Gustavo needs his dogs back! They may have been destructive, but they were nothing like Ryder and those other punks. You wouldn't believe some of the stuff those five pull!

"We will." Kelly insists. Well, she better be right. He was pissed when he found out about James and Logan, but he...he cares about those boys and he wants them back in California. Although he won't admit it, he looks forward to making more amazing music with them. He wrote an amazing song and he would like Jo to duet with them.

He rarely tells the boys this, but he sees so much potential in them. If they get their act together, they could be a really great band. He believes in them and all he wants is for them to succeed. He knows that they're capable, but they need to take this seriously. James and Logan have to get sober or they'll be just another memory in Hollywood.

"Did you hear that Kendall and Jo finally got engaged?" Kelly asks him.

"Yes, I heard." Gustavo answers coolly. He's perfectly fine with Kendall and Jo getting married, especially since they have a child on the way, but it's a lot for him to take in. The monkey dog that sang him the infamous Giant Turd song is gonna be a husband and father. There's something strange about that picture.

"Is that a problem? I think it's great."

"Yeah, it's fine." Gustavo replies. "It's just weird to think that the dog is getting married."

"I know."

Gustavo really can't believe everything that has happened in the past couple years. Everything was so normal, then James got cancer and it all began falling apart. Logan began drinking, the Devonne relapsed, committed suicide, and both James and Logan began a downward spiral. Gustavo just doesn't understand how all this drama could happen in such a short amount of time.

"When we get to Minnesota, I'm totally gonna ask Jo if I can be the wedding planner!" Kelly squeals, clapping her hands. Gustavo rolls his eyes. Of course Kelly would want that! Now, here's the important thing. They're going to Minnesota to talk to the guys about reviving Big Time Rush. They can focus on the wedding once the band has made a comeback.

"Hey, didn't you work with Big Time Rush?" The guy behind them asks.

"Yes, that's me." Gustavo says calmly.

"I almost feel sorry for you."

Gustavo starts to turn around and lunge at the jerk, but Kelly quickly stops him. Okay, maybe it wouldn't be such a good idea for him to start a fight right now, but he's the only one that is allowed to insult the four monkey dogs from Minnesota. Only him! No one else! If anyone else talks trash about them, the trash talker better be ready to get his butt kicked.

"I think Carlos is the only decent one." Someone else whispers, loud enough for Gustavo and Kelly to hear. "Kendall knocked a girl up, James is a crackhead, and Logan is crazy."

Gustavo takes another deep breath. He really doesn't wanna lose his temper on an airplane. Right now, he just wants to save Big Time Rush. They are four very talented young men that deserves to become even more successful. Gustavo really believes that they can get past all this controversy, as long as they try.

"Just ignore them."

"I'm trying!"

* * *

"This engagement ring is the only attractive thing about me." Jo complains, looking at her always expanding stomach. She feels like a fat pig, even though everyone else tells her otherwise. How can they not notice that she looks like crap? She looks like she swallowed a basketball. What's so attractive about that?

"Oh, that's not true." Mama Knight says. "I mean, the ring is beautiful, but you look fine."

Jo pouts, sitting at the dining table. She's really excited about becoming a mom, but she wishes that pregnancy didn't make her look so rugged. She hardly slept last night! Oh, and Kendall has been getting on her nerves lately and she doesn't know why. She's still completely in love with him, but he has really been annoying her for some reason.

"Hey, sexy."

And speaking of her fiance.

"Honey, can we order pizza?" She pleads.

"Getting hungry again?"

"What does that mean?!" She snaps. Gosh, she hates snapping at people for no reason, but she's pregnant and no one has any right to judge her. It's no fun looking like a balloon and having to eat something every five minutes. What if she ends up looking like Jessica Simpson? Not offense to Jessica because she's gorgeous, but she was huge when she was pregnant with baby Maxwell. Jo couldn't stand to go out looking like that.

Kendall sighs. "Mom, do you have the phone number for Domino's?"

"It's in the living room." Mama Knight tells him. Jo huffs as her fiance leaves the dining room, grabbing the latest issue of Pop Tiger. Ugh, another article about James and Logan's meltdown. That seems to be the only thing the media can talk about. No one seems to have the ability to get over the fact that Big Time Rush's James Diamond and Logan Mitchell pulled a Lindsay Lohan on them.

"Mom, I think I used up all the warm water." Katie says awkwardly. She must have been taking a shower. Jo whines, burying her face in her arms. She was gonna take a warm bath before eating her pizza! She's gonna try to be nice to Katie, though. She only allows herself to snap at Kendall and Carlos. She controls her pregnancy induced temper around Mama Knight and Katie.

"Oh, Kathryn!" Mama Knight complains, following her daughter out of the room. Jo groans, getting out of her seat. Pop Tiger does have an article about her. Okay, it says that the baby may not be hers! What the hell, Pop Tiger? When she was on New Town High, this magazine adored her! Now they're spreading rumors about her child?

"Okay, I ordered the pizza." Kendall assures her. She tries to give him a smile, then she realizes that she can't because she's too annoyed. Stupid magazines and their stupid lies. Why does the media have to be so suckish?!

* * *

"Hey, you still think that Devonne's ghost is haunting you?" Logan questions.

"She's not haunting me." James answers calmly. Really, he wouldn't call Devonne's sudden appearance haunting. She's simply visiting and that's all there is to it. It's not like she's torturing him or anything. She just shows up to check on him sometimes. It feels kind of nice to have some kind of contact with her, even though she's dead.

"Jay, I'm telling you that you need to tell your therapist about this."

James shoots his best friend a disbelieving look. Why would he need to tell his therapist? He's not crazy and he doesn't need someone else getting that idea about him. His only problem is the fact that his career is screwed and his wife is dead. Other than that, there aren't any problems. He's not crazy, he's not disturbed, he's completely sane.

"It's none of her business!" He snaps, getting up from the couch. He doesn't need people judging him and accusing him of having a problem that doesn't exist. This is exactly why he wishes that Devonne would show herself! He wants Logan to stop accusing him of having some mental illness. He has a drug and alcohol addiction (and a slight self harm problem), but he knows that Devonne's ghost is real.

"Jay, you don't have to get so defensive."

"Yeah, I do!" James retorts. "I'm telling you the truth about what I've seen and all you can do is accuse me of being crazy! I can't deal with that right now!"

He storms out of the lobby, heading for the New Life Treatment Center's pond. It's the most peaceful place on the campus and he frequently comes here when he needs some quiet time. He just hopes that Logan won't try to follow him. Right now, he just needs to be alone. Who knows? Maybe Devonne will show up.

He mumbles under his breath as he arrives, lowering himself onto a bench. Gosh, people can be such a pain. Why can't Logan just believe him? He knows what he has been seeing. Logan even had the nerve to suggest that he might be schizophrenic! Seriously? If he had schizophrenia, he would be in a freaking padded room with a straight jacket.

"Just ignore him."

He jumps when Devonne appears next to him. Okay, sometimes he does question his sanity when he sees her, but he really isn't crazy. Yeah, it's weird that he sees a ghost, but it's real. If something's real, he can't be insane. He can't say that this is completely normal, but if he was crazy, he's pretty sure that he would notice.

"Seriously, just ignore him." Devonne smiles. "As long as _you _know you're not crazy, it doesn't matter what someone else thinks."

"Dev, why are you doing this?"

"What do you mean?"

"You just...you're here. Why?"

"Because I need to make sure that you're gonna be okay. I know you've been making your fair share of mistakes lately and I just don't want you to ruin your life. If you can get better, you can become successful again. Big Time Rush could make the ultimate comeback. I'm not leaving until I see that you're gonna be fine without me."

James looks down at the ground, his eyes filling with tears. He knew that Devonne was probably here to make sure that he's okay. As frightening as the presence of her ghost is, it's still kind of nice. He has been missing her like crazy and he'll gladly settle for talking to her ghost. At least Devonne's ghost isn't judging or criticizing.

"Logan thinks I'm crazy for believing that you exist." He explains.

"Aren't we all a little crazy?" Devonne (well, her ghost) laughs.

"Yeah, I guess so." James chuckles lightly. He smiles softly as she kisses his cheek, his moment of joy coming to an end once she disappears. He always gets that feeling when she leaves. One minute, he's happily conversing with the ghost, then she goes away and he's forced to remember that Devonne's really gone.

"I love you, Dev." He whispers. "I really do."

* * *

**Review! :D**


	31. Putting The Past Behind Us

Okay, Logan can't believe that James snapped at him. He's not saying that James is crazy. He simply thinks that the stress is getting to the guy's head. Logan knows that he gets pretty...weird when he's stressed out. Now, he's tempted to follow his friend, but he doesn't know if he should. Oh, whatever! He's gonna go and make sure that James is okay and not trying to drown himself in the pond.

He gets off the couch and walks toward the back exit, stepping outside. He has his own relationship problems right now, but that doesn't stop him from being concerned about his best friend. The last thing they need is for James to have a nervous breakdown. He's been on verge of one for weeks.

There's something that Logan doesn't expect to see when he arrives at the pond. Okay, James clearly isn't crazy. D-devonne...she's there. She's sitting next to James, talking to him...and he's talking back to her. Either Logan is losing his mind or he was wrong this whole time. He doesn't know what's happening, but it's freaking him out.

Next thing he knows, Devonne has disappeared. Logan's heart sinks when he sees the saddened look on his friend's face. Reluctantly, he walks toward James, sitting on the side of the bench that Devonne previously occupied. Why did Logan just start seeing her now? He is beyond confused right now.

"I saw her."

"What?" James asks quietly.

"I saw her, Jay." Logan answers. "I saw Devonne."

"Yeah right."

"Seriously! She was sitting where I'm sitting now and you guys were talking!" Logan insists. Should he be doubting his own sanity now? He's been doubting James for days, but he's starting to think that he might be a little loony , he and his girlfriend may or may not be broken up and his sanity is flying straight out the window.

"Now you believe me?"

Logan sighs. "Yeah, Jay, I believe you."

"Well, she's here because she has been watching us and she wants to make sure that I'm gonna be okay without her."

Logan looks at the ground below, hoping that James can do that. He wants the same for himself. He never wants to touch another bottle of alcohol ever again, but it's so hard to resist temptation. Even when he was still sober after leaving rehab the first time, he could see a liquor store and get anxious because he desperately wanted to buy a bottle of booze.

"You will be."

"I doubt that."

"James-"

"Seriously, I can't be okay without her." James says, his voice breaking. "I just...I just can't."

Logan rubs the boy's shoulder, sympathy in his eyes. It sucks that it has to be this way. If they could go back in time and make sure that James never had gotten sick, that would have been great. Every time Logan looks at James, he thinks on that horrible year spent on watching him fight for his life.

"We screwed up." He murmurs. "We really screwed up, didn't we?"

"Yeah, we did." James agrees. It's hard not to wallow in regret, even though Logan has always heard that you shouldn't do that. People should feel remorse for their mistakes, but they shouldn't waste their whole lives on feeling guilty about something that can't be changed. They just have to get better and make the future better than the past.

"Whatever." He says, getting up. "Let's get back inside. It's too cold out here."

* * *

"So you think that James should be the godfather?" Jo questions as Kendall rubs her stomach.

"Well, yeah." Kendall says. "I mean, he was heartbroken when Devonne had the abortion. I think this would be a nice gesture for a friend."

Carlos stands in the living room archway, feeling somewhat annoyed. So James gets the honor of being the baby's godfather? Kendall and Jo probably don't think that Carlos is ready for such a big responsibility. It's not that he minds James being chosen, but he can't help feeling a bit jealous. Of course, he supposes that he can still be the cool uncle.

"I think so too." Jo smiles. Carlos sighs as he walks to the kitchen, grabbing a corn dog off of a large plate. He doesn't wanna act like a jealous jerkface, but he just feels like James gets everything. He was prom king, he's the best looking one in Big Time Rush, he gets all the pretty girls, and he's gonna get the honor of being Baby Knight's godfather.

"What's wrong with you?" Katie frowns.

"What are you talking about?" Carlos grumbles through a mouthful of corn dog.

"You look all depressed."

Carlos only huffs in response. Depressed? He's not depressed! He's a little disappointed, but he's not depressed. It's perfectly fine if Kendall and Jo want James as their baby's godfather. Whatever! Carlos doesn't even care. He just hopes that they realize that he's gonna end up being the baby's favorite.

"Liar."

"Yeah, I know." Carlos pouts, sitting at the kitchen table. "I'm just a little upset because Kendall and Jo have chosen James as the baby's godfather."

"Really? I thought they would have chosen Logan."

Carlos shoots Katie a dirty look, crossing his arms. He's in no mood for jokes, which is unusual because he's the ultimate jokester. Right now, however, nothing seems funny to him. He's too busy moping because James has scored yet another success. Being chosen as a godparent is an important thing. It's a big honor and, of course, James the one to get such an honor. It's always James for everything!

"Camille is gonna be the godmother." Katie points out.

"Fantastic."

"Look, they just want James to be the godfather because he never got the chance to be a father." Katie explains. "Just try to imagine yourself in his position. If you and Stephanie were still together and she got pregnant, then she had an abortion, wouldn't you be hurt? If you were him and you were chosen as the godfather, wouldn't that be a good feeling after something so tragic happened?"

Carlos's face softens immediately. Katie has a good point. James may not have gotten the chance to have a child of his own with Devonne, but he can be like a second father figure to Kendall and Jo's baby. Gosh, how could Carlos think so selfishly? James deserves this more than any of them. This baby will never replace the one that Devonne aborted, but it's something!

"Okay, I get it now." He says softly. Katie playfully pats his head before exiting the kitchen, leaving him all alone to think. He feels really stupid now. Kendall and Jo just wanna make James feel happy again. Well, Carlos can accept that. He wants James to be happy too and now that Katie knocked some sense into him, he can see why this would be such a good thing.

"God, I am idiot." He growls, taking another bite of the corn dog.

* * *

"Well, we're in Minneapolis." Kelly says as the limo parks in front of New Life Treatment Center. They'd like to get all of the guys together, but they're just gonna talk to James and Logan right now. They'll most likely come back tomorrow and have Kendall and Carlos join them. Gustavo is determined to get Big Time Rush back together, no matter how hard that might be. He refuses to allow four talented young men to become has-beens.

"We're here to see James Diamond and Logan Mitchell." Kelly politely tells the secretary at the front desk. The young woman points over to some couches, where James and Logan are sitting. Together, Gustavo and Kelly begin walking toward the two boys, unsure of what to say. All Gustavo knows is that they both look a lot healthier than they did before. Although, they still have scars on their arms (Logan from his suicide attempt and James from self harming).

"Hey, guys." Kelly greets.

"Gustavo? Kelly? W-what are you guys doing here?" Logan asks them.

"I would like to talk to you dogs." Gustavo informs them. "Kelly and I have decided to get Big Time Rush back together. As soon as you two get released from treatment, you and the other two dogs are gonna fly out to LA and work on a comeback. Now, I have to warn you that I haven't convinced Griffin yet, but I have a plan."

Neither of the two "dogs" looks very convinced. It might seem unlikely that Griffin will rehire the boys after all of the scandal surrounding them, but there are a lot of scandal plagued stars that go on to have very successful careers. Gustavo believes that it could be the same for these boys. He really does believe in them!

"When you guys get out, we're gonna have Big Time Rush film a comeback video. We'll give it to Griffin and he'll remember how talented you guys are." Kelly explains. Gustavo nods, truly proud of his plan. He even talked to Marcos Del Posy, who agreed to film the video. He said to call whenever they're ready to get started.

"How do you know that'll work?" James wonders.

"We know Griffin." Kelly smiles. "When he sees that you guys still have 'the fire,' he'll want you back."

"We're gonna make him regret letting you go." Gustavo says with determination. Really, that's what they plan on doing! Even though these dogs did a lot of stupid crap, Griffin was stupid to let them go. He apparently thought that it would be a bad reflection on Rocque Records. It's not like the record company has ever had a squeaky clean reputation? Besides, they've got Ryder and her band of punks signed to the label. What does that tell you?

"And you couldn't have asked us how we're doing first?" Logan asks.

"Fine!" Gustavo says impatiently. "How are you doing?"

"We're fantastic." James smirks, obviously trying to aggravate Gustavo on purpose. Ah, some things will never change. They're still as irritating as ever. It's a good thing that Gustavo...likes them. Otherwise, they would have been dead a long time ago. He can't even begin to count how many times he has wanted to strangle them.

"Don't push it, monkey dog."

* * *

**First of all, this story has 200 reviews now! AHHHH, I'M SO HAPPY! *happy dance***

**Secondly, this chapter had a bunch of subplots mixed together, so I'm gonna list them. **

**1. Logan finally saw Devonne for himself and now he and James are struggling to put the past behind them**

**2. Carlos expressed some jealousy about James being chosen as the godfather of Kendall and Jo's baby. Will this cause some tension?**

**3. Gustavo and Kelly told James and Logan about their plan for a Big Time Comeback**

**I hope the chapter didn't seem "all over the place." I don't think it did, though. I'm actually really proud of it:)**

**Now, I'm going to shut up, so you wonderful readers can get to reviewing;)**


	32. Preparing For A Comeback

"You and Jo...want me to be the godfather?"

"Yeah, we do." Kendall nods. James smiles softly, truly appreciating the kind gesture. It won't replace the child that he and Devonne were suppose to have together, but he's honored to be chosen. He just hopes that he'll be the godfather that Kendall and Jo want for their child. He wants to be someone that they feel they can trust with their little one. The last thing he wants is to disappoint them.

"I would love to." He responds. Really, he would. He honestly wasn't expecting Kendall and Jo to choose him, but now that they have, he's really happy about it. He's thrilled that he's being allowed to take on such an important role in the baby's life. He can't promise that he'll be perfect at it, but he'll certainly try his best.

"Now, you said Gustavo and Kelly are coming? What are they doing here?" Kendall asks him.

"They wanna get Big Time Rush back together." Logan explains. "After James and I leave rehab, they want us to go back to LA and film a comeback video to show Griffin. That way, we can prove that we've still got it and Griffin will resign us to the record label."

It has always been James's dream to be famous, so it's strange how he's suddenly nervous about returning to Hollywood. He wants to go back. He's just a little anxious about it. He's scared that he'll end up at the center of more controversy. He has already humiliated himself enough and he's kind of afraid that it'll happen again.

"So I can go back to LA and make things right with Stephanie?!" Carlos asks eagerly.

"Yes, Carlos."

"Yay!"

James has been thinking a lot since Gustavo and Kelly visited yesterday. He'll gladly return to LA and make that amazing video. He just hopes that nothing will go wrong and he won't end up back in rehab. He has always assumed that the life of a recovering addict is hard, that there's always the chance of experiencing a relapse. He wants to get sober and stay that way.

"Jay, you alright?" Kendall asks worriedly.

"Yeah, I'm okay." James lies. He's really not okay, but he can't admit that! The guys seem so excited about it and he doesn't wanna ruin their excitement. He wants to make a comeback as much as they do, he really does. He's just...he's just scared. It's hard for him to admit that to himself, but it's time that he started being honest with himself. He's terrified of the temptation in that town.

"Jay, you know you can talk to us, right?" Logan tells him. "If you don't wanna do the whole band thing anymore, we're okay with that."

"No!" James says urgently. "I want to do this! I guess I'm just...a little nervous, you know? So much happened before and I don't want it to happen again."

"Well-" Kendall starts to say. But Gustavo's loud, booming voice interrupts him. Their former producer and manager looks as serious as usual. It's actually a relief to see him. Behind that harsh exterior is a really caring person that wants nothing but the best for his "dogs." James must say that although he's anxious, he'll be happy to be making music with Gustavo again.

"Alright, monkey dogs." The short and chubby music manager says firmly. "Let's talk."

* * *

"So you'll write us a song, we record it, and we make a music video?" Carlos asks.

"That's _exactly _what we're gonna do." Kelly smiles, handing each of them a sheet of paper. "And Gustavo already wrote the song."

Clarity...Kendall has to say that it's a great song, but he would love to know why it's written for five people. Big Time Rush only has f...what the hell? At the top, it says "Kendall, James, Carlos, Logan, and Ryder." No...no way! They can't duet with that monster! Why would Gustavo want him to do a song with that psychopath?

"Before you say anything, yes, you're singing it with Ryder." Kelly states. They all look at her with horror. Look, Ryder may be a talented musician, but she's evil! She's mean and destructive! How can Gustavo stand to put her on a Big Time Rush song? Ugh, he's totally trying to promote Goodbye Gravity as much as he possibly can. Grrrr...

"Gustavo-" Logan stammers.

"Look, we need to please Griffin if we want you dogs back, and since he's so impressed with Ryder, we're gonna use her to our advantage!" Gustavo retorts. Well, that makes more sense. Kendall knew that there had to be an ulterior motive. He's pretty certain that Ryder has been testing Gustavo's patience.

"Well, I don't mind singing with her."

"We know, Carlos." Kendall says flatly.

"Just a second ago, you were talking about making things right with Stephanie and now you're back to making comments about your attraction to Ryder." Logan points out. Kendall nods in agreement. Although, he has to agree that Ryder does have a certain attractiveness about her, but her personality just ruins it. Of course, Carlos doesn't seem to care about a girl's personality as long as she's "smoking hot."

"Look, we're not crazy about her either, but we need her if we're gonna get you dogs resigned with Rocque Records." Gustavo says sternly. All four boys sigh, realizing that their boss is is the one that introduced Ryder and her band to Rocque Records and he likes Ryder a lot, so she might be useful in making their Big Time Comeback happen.

"What if she ruins our chances?" Logan questions.

"Trust me, dog, I know how to keep my own niece under control."

"Really? Then tell me how she managed to destroy your office."

"Shut it, Kelly!"

Well, that gives them a good reason to laugh. They haven't done a lot of laughing lately, so it feels good to let loose for the first time in a while. What would life be without a little humor?

* * *

"So we have to duet with the She-Devil." Logan grumbles. "And Camille still won't answer my calls. Well, my life just keeps getting better and better!"

"Well, don't feel too bad." Carlos says carefully. "I tried calling Stephanie and she won't talk to me either. Besides, as I said before, I have no problem singing with Ryder. She's hot, she's got sass, she's talented, and she's _hot._"

"Yeah? I don't care how hot she is." Logan answers.

"Actually, I have to agree with Carlos." James states. "She is pretty cute. She has the cutest little smile!"

"In my opinion, she always looks like she knows something that we don't." Kendall says. "She makes me paranoid."

Carlos rolls his eyes. His friends don't know what they're talking about! Ryder isn't that bad, is she? She may have a small attitude problem, but he finds her attitude really sexy. He likes a girl that doesn't behave like a prissy little princess. At least she doesn't act like many of these bubblegum pop stars in Hollywood. She's got spunk and he likes that.

"Let's just keep practicing." James says, sitting at the piano. Carlos mumbles under his breath, his jealous feelings come back. He understands why James was chosen as the godfather, but he's really struggling to keep from being upset about it. While James has been stuck in rehab, Carlos has been helping Kendall and Jo out. He personally thinks that he should be the baby's godfather. He even gave Jo a foot rub this morning!

"Carlos, you paying attention?" Logan frowns.

"Huh? Yeah, of course!" Carlos is clearly lying through his teeth. He knows it, but he's so relieved that no one is questioning him farther. The minute he's asked to explain his strange behavior, he'll go on a rant and a huge fight will get started, which means that the comeback could be affected. No, he'll just try to keep his thoughts to himself...for now.

"You know, Ryder posted a new song on her Youtube channel." Kendall says, looking at his phone. "Unbroken."

"She covered Demi Lovato's song?" Logan snorts.

"No, it's an original song." Kendall replies, playing them a little bit of the song.

_I'm messed up in my head_

_and I, I want to be_

_Unbroken, unshattered-_

Carlos nods slowly, although he's still thinking about his own problems. He just doesn't understand why Kendall and Jo would choose an alcoholic and drug addict as their child's godfather. It's not that Carlos doesn't think James is worthy of the honor. After all, he's getting better! It's just that Carlos feels like he has been doing more to support the parents-to-be.

"Seriously, we need to practice."

"Okay, boss." Kendall smirks sarcastically, patting James's shoulder. Their tallest friend is playing the tune to their new hit on the piano. He's very good at it. Carlos wasn't even aware that his friend knew how to be play the piano. How much more will he learn about his friends? Wow, when Devonne use to talk about all of life's challenges being a learning experience, she was right.

"Jay, why are you so tense about this?" Logan asks him.

"Because I don't want us to screw up our chances of repairing our careers." James murmurs, playing the tune again. "We need to perfect this song so we can impress Griffin. If we don't impress him, there's no way we'll be resigned."

Okay, Carlos may be irritated with James, but he knows that the guy is right. Even he realizes that they need to work super hard in order to make this comeback work. He certainly doesn't want their chances to be ruined just because they didn't get the song down. He's gonna be nice for now, but once they've got their music career back, he's gonna be brutally honest about his true feelings. Some people may call it being "too honest," but he simply calls it being blunt. The truth is, he deserves to be the godfather, _not_ James.

"Can we please get work now? Or do you guys just plan on standing there?"

"Fine." Kendall, Carlos, and Logan all mutter in unison. Okay, James has never been this serious before. What's wrong with him? Not that there's anything wrong with being serious, but why? Carlos would _really _like to know.

* * *

**Songs**

**Unbroken: Jessica Sierra (she was on American Idol a few years ago, but I just discovered her and this song today)**

**Clarity: James Maslow (he covered this song on his Youtube channel and it was soooo beautiful)**

* * *

**Well, I have a feeling that there will be some tension between James and Carlos;)**

**Review! :D**


	33. Believe

Just one more month. One more month until they can leave this place. One more month until they can begin preparing for the ultimate comeback. James should be happy, right? This was his dream, so he should be more excited than the others. He's not, though. I mean, he wants to make a comeback, but something about returning to LA scares him. He thinks that it's the temptation in that city. It's a city full of sex, drugs, and rock & roll.

He sighs, looking out the window in his bedroom. Well, his temporary bedroom. He's so relieved that he only has to be here for another month, but it seems so far away. He hopes that the next month goes by really fast. Of course, his therapist has talked about possibly letting him out a little sooner than Logan, but he refuses to leave without his best friend.

"Are you and Camille working things out?" He asks, turning to face Logan.

"We've been talking." His best friend shrugs. He nods, returning to looking longingly out the window. Oh, he can't wait to get out of here. Rehab hasn't been that bad, but it's certainly not the ideal living situation. He just wants go home and be with his family. They visit him often, but it's not the same.

"She'll have to forgive you eventually." He answers quietly. When he glances at Logan, he can easily sense his friend's uncertainty. It's been a month and "Lomille" hasn't reconciled. James hopes that they do, though. They were totally meant for each other and James would hate to see another relationship fall apart.

"Hopefully." Logan whispers. "Now I need to ask you something. Why don't you seem happy that we're going back to LA?"

That's the question that James was hoping he wouldn't have to answer. The thing is, he's excited about continuing Big Time Rush, but not so much about the memories and temptation. He's so terrified of relapsing. The thought of going back to LA, only to end up back in rehab, really scares him.

"Temptation." He replies. "There's drugs and alcohol all over that city."

He doesn't feel comfortable talking about this and he tries to leave the room, but a gentle hand stops him from moving. Well, there's obviously no way out. He's gonna have to talk whether he likes it or not, which really sucks. The last thing he wants is to discuss the things causing him anxiety. He'd prefer to just forget about it!

"Jay, you're stronger than you think."

"I don't know." James responds. "I just don't know."

"Look, I know it's scary, but let's just focus on our music." Logan advises. "If you just focus on that, I think you'll be fine."

Can James really believe that? Can he really believe that he'll be fine? He doesn't know. He doesn't trust himself anymore. He doesn't know if he can go back to California and not end up in a nightclub, drowning himself in alcohol. He _just doesn't know. _He would certainly like to believe that, but he doesn't.

"What about you?" He retorts. "Don't you care about your own self? Forget about me for once!"

"I'm not gonna forget about you, James!" Logan argues, standing up. "I've already relapsed once and I don't wanna do it again! Not only do I care about you, but I _need _to stop focusing so much on myself! Jay, the only reason I've had two run-ins with drugs and alcohol is because I've spent too much time thinking about myself and my problems!"

James looks at the floor, trying to understand what Logan is saying. Okay, he sort of gets it. Logan needs to worry about someone else. If it'll keep him sober, then so be it. James refuses to be treated like a baby, though. He's not in a state of mind where he wants people babying him or giving him advice about what he should do.

"Like you said, let's just focus on getting Big Time Rush resigned." He answers tiredly, rubbing his temples. He refuses to listen anymore. He needs some peace and quiet. He's been becoming increasingly stressed out about this comeback thing and he needs to relax. He just can't stop thinking about everything that could happen.

So he walks out to the pond, finding his usual bench. He has spoken to Devonne quite a few times since she began appearing and he hopes that he can talk to her today. When he calls for her, she's always there to comfort him. He supposes that it's kind of weird talking to her ghost, but it's still her!

"Dev..."

"Jay..." A joking voice whispers. He looks to his side, smiling when he sees Devonne. He doesn't want anyone to see him kissing thin air, so he just lets Devonne kiss his cheek. This might seem crazy, but it's really doing him some good. He almost feels as if he's finally getting the closure he needs.

"Now, what's going on?" She asks him.

"Big Time Rush might make a comeback."

"I know that, but you don't seem happy. Why?"

"Dev, there's so many bad memories in Los Angeles. I lost you, then I had a freaking meltdown. I...I'm just really scared about this whole thing." He confesses. Devonne gently rubs the back of his neck, sympathy in her eyes. She seems more understanding than anyone else has. Everyone else is too caught up in the fact that Big Time Rush could become famous again.

"But this is your dream." She reminds him. "You've always wanted to be a famous singer, hon. Forget about what happened before and just focus on making _your dream _happen again. I believe in you, your family believes in you, your friends believe in you, and your fans believe in you. Now you just need to believe in yourself."

James takes a deep breath. Devonne is right. He knows that. It's just hard to believe in himself when he has fallen so much. He wants to get better, though, and he's gonna try his very best! He knows that it won't be easy, but he really does wanna try his best.

"I know." He whispers. "I know. I just...I don't wanna relapse, whether it be cancer or drugs and alcohol."

"Well, you don't have any control over the cancer thing, but I highly doubt that yours will come back." Devonne smiles gently.

"Yours did." James murmurs bitterly. Devonne's smile fades and she nods, taking his hand in hers. His eyes fill with tears and he struggles not to start crying. What happened to his confidence? He use to believe that anything is possible, but now...he doesn't know what's gonna happen. He doesn't expect anything good, though.

"Yeah, but that's just me." Devonne informs him. "There's a bunch of people out there that never relapse. Besides, you need to understand something. I know it hurts that I'm gone, but I'm at peace now. I'm not sick, I'm not fighting for my life. Just let yourself be assured that I'm not suffering anymore."

As a stray tear falls down his cheek, he wipes it away. He knows that Devonne is probably a lot better off now, but that doesn't make him feel any better. He wishes that she could be here with him, free of any illness. When she got pregnant, James wishes that she could have been healthy enough to carry their child. Then they could have had a beautiful, healthy, happy baby girl.

"Our daughter...did she go to Heaven?" He asks her.

"Of course." Devonne grins, kissing his cheek. "You would have been an amazing daddy. You'll be an equally amazing godfather to Kendall and Jo's little girl."

James smiles softly. Yeah, Kendall and Jo found out that they're gonna have a daughter. They're gonna name her Emma Grace, after James and Devonne's would-be daughter. Yep, Emma Grace Knight will be here in just a little more than two months. Everyone is so excited to meet her. The only downside is the fact that Jo is just starting her third trimester, so she's extra cranky these days.

"I hope I will be." He tells her.

"You will, Jay." Devonne says. "Because you're a wonderful person."

With that, she disappears. James always hates when she leaves after one of their secret conversations. He wishes that he could sit and talk to her for hours, but she always leaves after a few minutes. Well, at least he gets to talk to her at all! He's satisfied with having even a few short minutes with her.

* * *

"Thanks for stopping by." Logan tells Kendall and Jo. "Jay and I have been wanting to see a familiar face."

"Jo was bored and needed to get out of the house." Kendall says, lightly touching his fiance's very large stomach. Grumbling, she pushes his hand away, crossing her arms over her baby bump. They're suppose to get married in two weeks, just because Jo's parents don't want their grandchild being born out of wedlock. Either they get married before the baby is born or Jo's parents disown her. In Logan's opinion, that's kind of harsh.

"Hey, Kendall, have you talked to Gustavo lately?" James asks.

"In fact, I spoke to him this morning." Kendall replies. "He's almost done working on the Goodbye Gravity demo and he said that Ryder has been getting on his nerves. She apparently uses his office computer without his permission."

Logan can only shake his head. Ryder...she's something else. Quite honestly, she scares him! She's so wild and seemingly uncontrollable! Logan doesn't know how Griffin could stand to have her signed to Rocque Records. Then again, she does have some obvious talent. It's just her personality that's disturbing.

"He's nervous about going back to-" Logan starts to say. Of course, James punches his shoulder, so he can't finish the sentence. However, he's pretty certain that Kendall understands what he was about to say.

"Why?"

"No reason, Kendall." James says calmly, glaring at Logan. "No reason at all."

* * *

**If you go to my Tumblr (btrvictorious . tumblr . com, you can see a picture of my birthday cookie cake:) I'll be twenty in less than an hour! Wow, I'm getting old:P Just kidding!**

**Review! :D**


	34. Early Arrival

"Why don't you just give Logan a chance? I mean, he was basically in the middle of a mental breakdown when he kissed that girl."

"Lucy, I can't!" Camille responds. She loves Logan, she always will, but she just can't be with a guy that kissed another girl. Of course, she can sort of see where Lucy's coming from. Logan was going through some stuff and he wasn't in his right mind, but she just doesn't know. How can she bring herself to be with a guy that did that?

"Just think about it." Lucy tells her. Camille frowns as her friend hands her the latest issue of Pop Tiger, which has a picture of James and Logan leaving the rehab center on the cover. They must have finally been released yesterday morning. They look a lot healthier than they did when they entered the treatment center three months ago. Although, it's obvious that they're worn out from the past few months.

"If it makes you feel any better, Carlos and I aren't speaking." Stephanie tells her. Camille sighs, patting Stephanie's head. Why would that make her feel better? She doesn't find joy in her friends relationship troubles. She would feel a lot better if she could make things right with Logan. She doesn't know how she'll do it, though.

"On a different note, Kendall and Jo got married last month." Lucy says, turning to the four page article about Kendall and Jo's wedding. Jo looked beautiful in her wedding dress, even though she was huge. She was seven months pregnant at the time, but she looked really cute. Her parents were there, which was...nice. They're not thrilled about their daughter being pregnant, but they're pleased that she'll be married when the baby's born.

"Lucy, there's an article about you too!" Stephanie points out. They watch as Lucy turns the page, revealing a story about her and her new song, which is titled "You Left Me For Her." Everyone is making a big deal out of it because they think that the song is about Kendall, with whom she shared a kiss and went on a half date.

"Hey, is your new song about Kendall?" Stephanie asks.

"Maybe." Lucy shrugs. She and Kendall are on friendly terms, but they're not that close either. Lucy was pretty mad when Kendall left her for Jo after, like, only ninety six minutes. Hey, that _was _pretty cold. Camille thought that everyone had forgotten about that, though. Well, she thought that they had at least let it go.

"Whatever." Camille sighs. "We need to start planning Jo's baby shower. They're coming back to LA later today and I really want it to be perfect."

Yeah, they were in the lobby together to plan the baby shower, but they somehow ended up talking about their relationship problems. Now they need to get back to work. Since the baby is a girl, they've all agreed that there should be lots of pink. However, since Jo loves sea creatures and whatnot, Camille is considering an ocean theme. Maybe they could have the baby shower at the aquarium!

"What do you guys think about having the party at the aquarium? Maybe?" She suggests. "Jo is obsessed with all things aquatic, so she would love a baby shower at the aquarium!"

"That's a really good idea!" Lucy nods. "And I know a guy that works at the aquarium, so I'm sure that I could talk to him about it."

Camille finally smiles, silently agreeing. Yeah, her best friend's baby shower is gonna be perfection, but the arrival of Emma Grace Knight is gonna be even better. As for Camille's Logan problem, she hopes that she will be able to make things right with him. She loves him too much to just let him slip away.

* * *

"Wait! Something doesn't feel right." Jo says, placing a hand on her lower back.

"What's wrong?" Kendall asks worriedly, holding onto his wife.

"I keep feeling this weird pain, like contractions." Jo says, lowering herself into a chair in the airport waiting area. They just landed in LA, after a seemingly long and boring flight. However, it's hard to be excited when Kendall's wife is complaining about contraction-like pain. It can't be labor, though. She's only eight months along!

"OW!" She yelps, grabbing her stomach. "Okay, I need to go to the hospital NOW."

"W-why?" Kendall stammers, frantically looking at his friends. Everyone looks at Logan for help, since he's more medically inclined than the rest of them. They always trust Logan with their medical problems. Of course, they are aware that he's no superman. He doesn't know everything about how to help a woman possibly ready to deliver a child.

"Let's just get to the car before anyone sees me." Jo growls, grabbing the collar of Kendall's shirt. Luckily, Gustavo, Kelly, and Mama Knight already grabbed their luggage, so they just have to get to the limo unnoticed. They're all wearing sunglasses and hoodies, but that doesn't help at all because they still get hounded by photographers.

"JAMES! LOGAN! HOW WAS REHAB?!"

"KENDALL, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT BEING FORCED INTO MARRYING JO?!"

"I wasn't forced to marry her!" Kendall retorts. "I married her because I love her."

It's true! Yeah, Jo's parents did push them into marriage, but Kendall wanted to marry her anyway. He loves Jo and he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. They're expecting a child together too, which is wonderful. The scary part? It's not time for baby Emma to arrive yet, but they might be meeting their daughter a few weeks early.

"I want to KILL those photographers!" Jo shrieks, still holding her stomach. Carlos awkwardly pats her head and she tries to strangle him, but Kendall manages to hold her back. He knew that pregnant women could be difficult, but Jo is just something else. She clearly doesn't handle pain very well.

"Dude, you need to put her on a leash." James mutters, looking out the window. He yelps when Jo smacks him behind the head. Kendall has to try hard to resist laughing, listening as Kelly informs the driver about the current situation. Before any of them know it, the driver is speeding out of the parking lot and heading straight for the nearest hospital.

* * *

"HOLY CRAP, THIS HURTS!"

They all flinch at Jo's frantic screeching. They've been at the hospital for an hour and just about everyone in the room is about to have a nervous breakdown. Jo has been screaming at everyone that acknowledges her. One nurse threatened to sue the hospital if Jo caused her any physical or emotional damage! That's how bad Jo is behaving.

"That bad, huh?" Logan laughs nervously. Jo shoots him a dirty look, which is enough to shut him up for the duration of Jo's labor and delivery. James has it worse, though, because he's sitting right next to Jo's bed. Since he's the baby's godfather and Kendall's the father, they'll be in the delivery room with her, along with Camille.

"Okay, we're here!" Camile's voice rings throughout the hallway. Then she, Lucy, Stephanie, and Ryder enter the room, looking somewhat awkward when they first arrive. James catches Camille sharing a look with Logan, the same going for Stephanie and Carlos. He even thinks that he saw Ryder looking at him.

"Mmm, cranky pregnant chick that looks like she's about to have a conniption..." Ryder says, slowly backing out of the room. "I'm out!"

"Great, I was looking forward to seeing her and Logan go at it." Jo grumbles bitterly. James takes a deep breath, getting out of his chair. The mommy-to-be apparently wants someone to provide her with some comic relief, so he better get Ryder back in here. As much of a pain as she can be, she can be pretty amusing.

"Ryder!" He calls out.

"Look, I was in the delivery room with my cousin and she-HEY!" Ryder protests as James throws her over his shoulder. She screams and argues as he carries her back to the room, flailing her arms and legs. He finally sits her down and shuts the door, giving her a proud smirk as he returns to his seat.

"Nice outfit! Did you steal it from a strip club?" Logan asks coolly. Ryder is wearing a black minidress and black leather vest with black leather knee high boots. In response to Logan's comment, she punches his shoulder as hard as she can. James can't help laughing at that. You know, he never realized how funny Ryder is when she's mad. It's kind of cute. He _does not _have a crush on her, though.

"Okay, is it almost time to get this kid out of me?!" Jo asks impatiently.

"Sorry, you still have four centimeters left to go." Mama Knight tells her. That's followed by a loud whine from Jo. To think that they weren't suppose be here for another month. Well, James is praying that, although she's a premature baby, his goddaughter will be okay. He couldn't handle losing another little one, whether she's his child or not.

* * *

Katie doesn't feel comfortable seeing her sister-in-law in pain, so she opted to stay in the waiting room. She's really excited that she's gonna be an aunt, but she knows that it's not good for a baby to be born prematurely. Jo's doctor seems optimistic, but Katie has been reading about premature babies since they got here. When a child is born prematurely, there is a possibility of complications occurring.

When she gets tired of sitting around, she walks to the cafeteria. When she gets to the first floor and she arrives at the lobby, she notices a lovely memorial that was set up for Devonne. A picture of Devonne is sitting on a table and her volunteer outfit is in a glass case. All over the table, there are notes written to Devonne by her coworkers. How sweet, but very sad at the same time.

"James is gonna become a godfather today." She whispers, touching the picture. She really likes Devonne, who had become like an older sister to her. She has Jo to fill that role now, but that doesn't mean that she no longer misses Devonne. Everyone misses her! They still don't bring her up around James because they're not sure how he'll react.

She kind of feels like writing a note to the now dead wife of James Diamond. Pulling a sheet of paper from her purse, she grabs a pen off the table. Now, what should she say? She wants to say something meaningful, you know? Something genuine...ah ha! She just figured it out!

_Devonne,_

_We've been to the hospital far too many times, but we're finally here for a good reason. Kendall and Jo's baby is coming, although it's a bit early. James is going to be a godfather, which I know makes him really happy. Just like you did. You brought so much joy to so many lives and even though it has been months since your sudden death, we still think about you every day._

_Love, Katie Knight_

She places the note next to the picture, a soft smile on her face. Now, she's gonna go and get something to eat, all while hoping that they'll get some good news about the new baby.

* * *

**Yeah, the new baby is arriving a little earlier than expected! Let's hope that the little one will be okay:)**

**And thank you all so much for the birthday wishes:) I had a really great day!**

**Also, please review:D**


	35. Bundle Of Joy

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, YOU JERK!" Jo screams at her husband.

"Jo, it's not all Kendall's fault. I mean, it takes two to tango, so you sort of brought this on yourself too." James says with an awkward laugh. Next thing he knows, Jo is grabbing the front of his shirt and bringing his face closer to hers.

"Keep talking and I'll make sure that you can never have children..." She growls. Well, that was low, but James just tries to remember that she's in pain and doesn't know what she's saying. He and Kendall just keep holding her hands as the doctor tells her what to do. They keep telling her how great she's doing, but she just keeps screaming in their faces.

"Just a little more." Camille says gently.

"SHUT UP!" Jo shrieks. James looks at Camille, who replaces him by Jo's bedside. She takes her best friend's hand and James watches as Jo delivers the new baby. It would be a lot less frightening if she wasn't shouting at everyone, but they just have to remember that it'll be over soon and they'll have a precious newborn baby to enjoy.

"Just a couple more pushes and you'll have your baby." Doctor Devlin tells the mother-to-be. Kendall looks like he's about to puke and when he lets go of his wife's hand, she smacks him behind the head. Sighing, he takes her hand once again. James can't want until this over and little Emma finally arrives.

"OH MY GOD, THIS HURTS!"

"Remember, just a little more." Kendall assures her. James and Camille both nod in agreement, even though Jo doesn't seem too comforted. She's too busy pushing...and yelling at the doctor. Man, this is scarier than any horror film James has ever seen. Luckily, it's almost over. Then they can just enjoy that adorable little baby.

"Just one more!"

"IT'S ABOUT TIME!" Jo shrieks before pushing. The doctor counts down and she finally tells Jo to stop, just as the cries of a sweet little baby fill the room. Jo starts crying tears of joy and it's easy to see that Kendall is about to do the same. Once the umbilical cord is cut, little Emma Grace Knight is wrapped in a pink blanket and placed in her mom's arms.

"She's perfect." Kendall whispers, touching his daughter's hand.

"Emma, that's your daddy...and I'm your mommy." Jo tells the little baby. She gladly hands their daughter to Kendall, who places a gentle kiss on Emma's forehead. Camille gives James a hug, laughing. To think that the room was so tense just a few minutes ago. Now it's full of nothing but joy and love.

"For a slightly premature baby, she's very healthy." Doctor Devlin tells them. "She's a little small, but she'll be fine. Jo, you should be able to take her home after a couple of days."

"Jay, you're her godfather, so you should hold her next." Kendall says, approaching James. Carefully, Emma is placed in his arms. Wow, this is amazing. He's finally holding his goddaughter in his arms. Emma is the most perfect baby girl that he has ever seen. She looks so much like Jo, but she also has many of Kendall's features.

"You're such a pretty little girl." He coos, touching her hand. He already loves this child. He'll always think about the baby that Devonne had to abort, but that will never stop him from loving this little girl. It nearly broke him when Devonne terminated her pregnancy, but he has a beautiful goddaughter now.

"She's perfect, you guys." Camille says sweetly, touching Emma's hand. The baby makes a cute squeaking noise, looking up at James. He smiles softly, kissing her cheek. He hopes that he'll get the chance to be a dad someday, but he feels so blessed at this moment. He adores Emma and he has only known her for a few minutes.

"Cam, it's your turn." James states, placing Emma in Camille's arms. When he first sees how she interacts with the newborn, he realizes that she may be crazy sometimes, but she'll be a fantastic mother someday. He just hopes that she can fix her relationship with Logan. It would be nice if things could become somewhat normal again.

* * *

"Before Camille and I broke up, we had talked about getting married someday." Logan says, looking at Emma from behind the nursery's viewing window. "And maybe having a little one of our own."

"Yeah, but then it would have your nerdy genes and her crazy genes." Ryder states. James shoots her a dirty look, but Logan easily ignores her immaturity. He's use to her making stupid comments about him and he's even learned to find them somewhat amusing. Come on, a kid that's both smart and energetic? That would be _cool_!

"Emma is too adorable." Carlos whispers, touching the glass. Logan nods, watching the newborn baby. A nurse took Emma to the nursery so Kendall and Jo could get some rest. Now everyone else is either resting at home or admiring Emma at the hospital. Logan is pretty certain that Camille is in the waiting room and he's tempted to talk to her, but he doesn't know if he should because things are pretty awkward between them.

"Yeah," Stephanie breathes out. "She's beautiful."

Did Carlos and Stephanie just smile at each other? Okay, is everyone except Logan and Camille fixing their relationship troubles? You know what? That's it! Logan is gonna get his girlfriend back and he'll do whatever it takes!

Turning around, he walks down the hallway to the waiting room, where he finds Camille reading a magazine. He feels awkward approaching her after all this time, but he needs to do this. She needs it too! He just really needs to fix things because he cannot stand to sit back and let a perfectly good relationship out of his reach.

"So...you're a godmother now." He says carefully. "Congratulations."

"Yeah," Camille answers. "She's really cute."

"Um, listen, do you think we could...talk? I know things are weird between us right now, but I was hoping that we could finally have a discussion about everything that has happened."

"Sure, I would love to talk."

Logan smiles softly and takes a seat next to her, looking around the quiet and empty waiting room. He isn't too sure about what he should say, though. He just wants everything to be okay between them. He has so many hopes and dreams for his future and he hopes that Camille can be a part of that future.

"You know, when I kissed that other girl...I wasn't in my right mind." He explains. "I was spiraling out of control and I was turning to alcohol for comfort. It made me do some really stupid things, like cheating on you. I know that's no excuse, but it's the truth. I'm not asking you to forgive me, but I kind of hope that you will."

Suddenly, Camille is kissing him with the same passion as she use to. He thought that she would slap him, but no, she's practically attacking him. You know, in the good way. He really didn't expect that he would end up making out with her, but here they are. Well, he's totally okay with this. He hasn't gotten a kiss from her in months!

"I know." She tells him. "But you're better now and I think it's time that we start over. Don't you think? I mean, I've missed you."

"Definitely." Logan grins, leaning in for another kiss. Finally, everything is right again. Well, Big Time Rush hasn't made that comeback yet, but they will. Logan has a good feeling about this.

* * *

"A baby girl." Jo whispers. "We have a baby girl."

"I know." Kendall nods, a small smile on his face. He can't believe that they have a daughter. When he saw Emma for the first time, it was like falling in love all over again. Emma is a perfect, healthy little girl, despite arriving sooner than they had expected. She looks just like her mother, except she has Kendall's eyebrows, ears, and nose.

"I'm sorry I was such a jerk in the delivery room." Jo giggles, giving him a kiss.

"Hey, you were in pain." Kendall assures her, kissing her cheek. Now that they have their daughter, he doesn't care that Jo kept threatening him and James in the delivery room. All that matters is that it's over and they have a new addition to their family. Anything before just doesn't matter anymore.

Knock! Knock!

"Katie and I just wanted to bring you guys something to eat." Mama Knight says, walking into the room with a plate of two slices of cheese pizzas. Now that Kendall thinks about it, he and Jo have both been craving pizza. He loves how his mom knows exactly what he and his wife like.

"Thanks, Jen." Jo smiles, accepting one of the two plates.

"You know, you two are gonna be wonderful parents." Mama Knight tells them. "And I couldn't be happier to be Emma's grandmother."

Kendall hugs his mom, then he does the same to Katie. Both of them got a chance to hold Emma and neither one of them wanted to let her go. Hey, who would? Babies are precious and Emma is particularly adorable. You know she hardly cries? She has woken up a few times, but she isn't as loud as some babies.

"Mom, I just realized something." Kendall tells her. "Since we've been in Minnesota and Emma wasn't suppose to come for another month, we haven't gotten the chance to find an apartment and set up a nursery for Em."

"Well, I am going to the store right now and I am going to purchase a basinet for her." Mama Knight smiles. "You guys will stay at the Palm Woods for now and after Jo has recovered, you can start looking for a place to live. Sound good?"

Kendall supposes that it'll have to work for now. They've had so much on their mind and they didn't really have time to prepare for their daughter's arrival, except for a few basic supplies. As far as a nursery goes, they haven't done much for that. They were planning on going house/apartment shopping as soon as they came back to LA, but Jo went into labor before they got the chance.

"That'll be fine!" Jo agrees. "Right, Kendall?"

"You have no choice, so you might as well say yes." Katie tells them. Oh, Katie and her bluntness. Kendall loves that about his little sister, even though she could stand to be a little nicer.

"Yeah," Kendall says. "That sounds like a great idea."

* * *

**Well, the baby has arrived, Logan and Camille are back together, but Carlos and Stephanie haven't confronted their relationship yet! So we'll be hearing about them in the next chapter:)**

**Review! :D**


	36. So Close

Ah, the sound of a baby crying at two in the morning.

Carlos whines as he looks over at Logan, who is fast asleep. Quietly getting out of bed, he walks into the living room, surprised to find James holding Emma in his arms. Kendall and Jo brought her home a couple of days ago and she hasn't done a whole lot crying, but like most babies, she does get fussy. Most of the time, either Kendall or Jo will do what they can to calm her down, but James has been doing a lot too.

"Emma, mommy fed you an hour ago, so I know you're not hungry." James coos, sitting on the couch. Carlos's eyes soften as he watches his best friend. Sometimes he still wishes that he could have been the godfather, but James has been doing great. He's like a second father to little Emma and it's really sweet.

"I think you just need to be cuddled." James whispers sweetly, kissing Emma's , Carlos has never seen James show this much kindness to someone before. This makes Carlos feel even worse than Devonne had that abortion. James would have been an amazing dad. He showed Emma so much love and it sucks that he and Devonne didn't get a chance to have a child of their own.

"Hey, I heard Emma crying!" Jo whispers as she and Kendall appear next to him.

"James is taking care of her." Carlos answers. Emma has finally quieted down and James is talking to her in a sweet babyish voice. It's the cutest sight that Carlos has ever seen. Emma seems so at ease in her godfather's arms. It's a good thing that Carlos has his phone in his pocket because he needs to get a picture of this.

"This will look so cute in my scrapbook!" Jo squeals as she and Carlos begin snapping pictures of James and Emma. The baby girl is completely relaxed now. It's so adorable! Everything seems so perfect now, except for a couple of things. For one, Big Time Rush hasn't made that comeback yet, but they're filming the music video for Griffin today. Also, Carlos still needs to make things right with Stephanie.

"Hey, if Mama Knight asks where I am, tell her that I went to Stephanie's apartment." He whispers, leaving the apartment before anyone has a chance to respond.

* * *

Stephanie is bored out of her mind. It's 2:10 in the morning and everyone is asleep, but she isn't, which means that she has to entertain herself. So far, that's not really working out. She's just staring up at her bedroom ceiling, wishing there was someone to keep her company. You know, someone like Carlos.

Knock! Knock!

"Coming!" She calls out, rushing out of her room. She eagerly goes to the front door, looking through the peep hole. Carlos? What's he doing here? She's happy that he stopped by, but she wasn't expecting him to visit anytime soon. Things have been pretty awkward between them, you know?

"Carlos?" She says, opening the door.

"I couldn't sleep, so I thought...that we could talk." Carlos explains. Stephanie nods and steps aside, letting him enter the apartment. She never thought that he would set foot in her home again. She's glad that he did, though. She has missed Carlos a lot and she's not mad about him avoiding her. She's just hurt because she really cares about him.

"Did you get a chance to hold Emma today?" He asks her.

"Yeah, I did." Stephanie smiled at thought of little Emma. That has gotta be the cutest baby that she has ever seen. Everyone at the Palm Woods adores Emma, even the Jennifers. For a two day old, that child is surprisingly outgoing. She loves being held by anyone that gets their hands on her. She's so sweet.

"She woke up at two and now James is taking care of her." Carlos tells her, taking a seat on the couch. Stephanie sits next to him and a moment of silence follows. What should she say to him? She hasn't spoken to him much and she has no idea how to have a decent conversation. The last time she tried, he started avoiding her like the plague, so she gave up.

"So...I heard you guys might be making a comeback." She says awkwardly. "That's...nice."

"Yeah, it's cool." Carlos agrees. "We're gonna film a music video later, show it to Griffin, and convince him to resign us to the label."

"I know you guys will make that comeback." Stephanie assures him. Suddenly, she takes a deep breath. "But I think we should talk about something else, like us for example."

"Um, us?"

Stephanie nods. They need to have a serious talk about their relationship or lack of a relationship. If they can't be a couple, they can at least be friends. That's all she wants, to have Carlos as a friend. If he wants to get back together, that's fine, but she's not about to force a romantic relationship. That wouldn't be right.

"Do you think we can ever be friends?" She asks him. "I know we haven't had the best luck, but I think we could at least try to be friends."

"I'd like that too!" Carlos answers. "Listen, when you returned to the Palm Woods and I started avoiding you, it wasn't because I didn't wanna see you. I just felt awkward because we hadn't seen each other in so long and I just wasn't sure if I was ready to be in a relationship again. I guess I've learned to enjoy being single."

Stephanie understands what Carlos means. To be honest, she's enjoying the single life too. That doesn't mean that she doesn't want Carlos as a friend. Exes can be friends, can't they? Why shouldn't they be friends? Does it really matter if they've been romantically involved before? Well, Stephanie wants to make that clear.

"Carlos, I don't care about being your girlfriend again." She tells him. "I just want us to be friends."

Carlos smiled. "I would like that too."

Stephanie returns the smile. "That's what I wanted to hear."

* * *

"All black? Gustavo, why so depressing?" Logan frowns, looking around the dimly lit room. Big Time Rush, Ryder, and her bandmates are wearing all black. James didn't understand this at all, but at the same time, he thought this whole concept was really cool. A hotel room at the Palm Woods has been cleared out for the video shoot and it looks like the perfect music video set.

"It was probably Ryder's idea." James answers, smirking at Ryder. Hey, he couldn't help but pick on her. Not only is she hot, but she's also easy to piss off. Can he really help that? It's her fault for having such a temper. Anyway, what he said is true. He wouldn't be surprised if the "black theme" was her idea because she seems to wear a lot of it.

"No, it was Gustavo's idea." Ryder says coolly.

"Yeah, it was my idea! I want you dogs and the brat to look mature!" Gustavo snaps, pushing them over to the rest of Ryder's band. They're already settled with their drums, guitars, and keyboard. All that's needed now is the actual vocalists. James loves the song that they're about to turn into a music video, but it's kind of...sad? Slow? He doesn't know, but it's beautiful.

"Let's get to work, people!" The crabby music producer yells, glaring at Marcos. The man has been strangely on edge today and it's stressing everyone else. Ryder threw a diva style tantrum just thirty minutes ago and it took a glass of hot chocolate to calm her down. Who drinks hot chocolate at this time of year anyway?

"High dive into frozen waves, where the past comes back to life..." James's voice appears on the stereo. James just has to mouth along to the words. In Hollywood, you don't actually sing when filming a music video. If you did, it would sound weird. Besides, Big Time Rush sings live, so...yeah. He wonders if Ryder can sing live.

"CUT!" Marcos interrupts. "To make this video work, you should look a little more serious. Even a little bit sad!"

"But I don't wanna be sad." Carlos frowns.

"It's called acting, Senor Stupid." Ryder whispers. Carlos doesn't even say anything in response? He just smiles at her. Okay, he has a problem if his crush just called him "Senor Stupid" and he's not the least bit bothered by it. James lightly slaps the back of her head, giving her a dirty look. Rule number 1: DO NOT be mean to James's friends.

"I was just joking, babe." She flirts.

James smirks. "It's a good thing that you're attractive."

"Oh my GOD!" Gustavo yells. "Both of you just stop talking and get back to WORK!"

Well, that's all he needed to say. Marcos does another take and they get through it with no more interruptions. They certainly don't wanna ruin BTR's chances of making the ultimate comeback. Gustavo seems to believe that they can rule Hollywood again, but that won't happen if they mess around. That's why James wants to take this seriously.

"I walk on through a red parade and refuse to make amends. It cuts deep through our ground and makes us forget all common sense." Ryder's verse plays. You know, she actually has a good voice. James personally thinks that she sounds better when she's not singing that edgy punk rock stuff that she likes so much.

He glances at her and he can't help but smile. Then he realizes what he's thinking and he stops himself. No! No way! He can't be falling for someone else. He has Devonne. He still talks to her ghost on a regular basis and there's no way that he can allow himself to become romantically involved with another girl.

But James is attracted to Ryder's bad girl ways. She runs her mouth a lot and she finds amusement in pissing people off, but there's something really hot about that. He likes that she doesn't care what people think. Can he be blamed for being attracted to that? Not that he's gonna act on his feelings! He has Devonne, whether she's alive or not.

A few hours later, they hear the words they've been waiting for.

"THAT'S A WRAP!"

It's about time! Now, James is gonna go home and try to get rid of his headache. He's confused and it's freaking him out. He needs to relax by the pool and regain his sanity. That's all he needs to do, right? Ugh, he doesn't know what to do. He'll figure it out, though.

* * *

**Will Griffin like the music video? Will the guys be resigned to Rocque Records? Find out in the next chapter! :D**

**Review! :D**


	37. Approved

Gustavo and Kelly anxiously watch as Griffin looks at BTR's new video. He occasionally nods and hums to himself, which they're assuming is a good sign. Kelly, for one, will be really mad if he doesn't take these boys back. They messed up, but James and Logan are better now! She really believes that Big Time Rush deserves to be resigned.

"I like it!"

Gustavo and Kelly breathe sighs of relief. Well, that's good to hear. Kelly was starting to worry that he might turn them down. Griffin can be kind of picky, but everyone knows that he loves Big Time Rush. He would never let them go for good! BTR is four very talented young men that deserve all the success they've gotten and more.

"Pick the boys up from the Palm Woods and bring them here." Griffin tells them. "I would like to speak with them."

"Kelly, get the dogs!" Gustavo urges, pushing her out of his office. She eagerly grabs her purse and runs out to the limo, getting in the backseat. The driver always knows where to take her, so she doesn't even have to tell him. Five minutes later, they're parked in front of the Palm Woods. Without saying another word, she runs into the building.

"Bitters, have you seen-"

"Pool." Bitters interrupts. Kelly rushes to the pool and, sure enough, the guys are there. Kendall is holding Emma on his lap and the other guys are talking to her. Apparently, Jo is exhausted, so she has been spending a lot of time in the apartment. She spends more time with Emma than anyone else, but everyone has been trying to make sure that she gets plenty of rest.

"Guys!" Kelly calls out, approaching them.

"Hey, did you and Gustavo show Griffin the video?" Kendall asks hopefully.

"Yes, we did." Kelly smiles. "And he loved it! He wanted me to pick you guys up and bring you to Rocque Records."

Simultaneous sighs of relief are heard from the guys. Kelly watches happily as Kendall puts Emma in her career. What a cute little baby. You know, Kelly can't wait until she finds "the one" and have a family of her own. She's thirty years old and she'd really like to be a wife and mother. Plus, it would be nice if her mom would stop trying to set her up on dates.

"Emma, we got our jobs back!" Logan coos, touching the baby girl's hand. Kelly takes the carrier and leads the boys out to the limo. Once they're all settled in the vehicle, the driver takes off, heading for Rocque Records. Before Griffin showed up to view the video, Gustavo was working with Goodbye Gravity on a brand new song. Kelly just hopes that Ryder and her bandmates haven't wrecked the studio.

"Kelly, did he say anything else?" James asks.

"No, he just said that he likes it." Kelly answers. She glances at Emma, who is being entertained by Carlos and her daddy. As for BTR, she can't wait to tell the media that Big Time Rush is making a Big Time Comeback. Everyone thought that the band was just another distant memory in Hollywood, but they're about to be proven wrong!

"Okay, are you guys ready to bring back BTR?" She asks as the limo parks in front of Rocque Records. The guys glance at each other, then say...

"Big time."

* * *

"Welcome back to Rocque Records, boys." Griffin says, shaking each of their hands. "Don't screw this up."

"You won't regret this!" Kelly says cheerfully. Gustavo may not look happy on the outside, but he's jumping for joy on the inside. He can work with his dogs again! As annoying as they can be, he's relieved to have them back. However, they better do what Griffin said and not screw this up. They're talented and they can have a successful career as long as they stay away from drugs and alcohol.

"Gustavo, start writing their comeback single." Griffin instructs, patting Gustavo's head before leaving the office. The music producer growls, looking at the four monkey dogs. He walks past them, realizing that he made the terrible mistake of leaving Ryder and her bandmates alone. They should never be trusted to be left alone.

"RYDER, YOU BETTER NOT HAVE DESTROYED MY STUDIO!" He yells, pushing the double doors open. Surprisingly, nothing has been ruined. Wow, maybe those kids are finally getting their act together. Wait a minute...where are those punks? As he approaches the sound booth window, he sees his wacko niece and her buddies sitting down and smoking cigarettes?

"RYDER WILLIAMS!" He screams.

"Hey, uncle Gus!" Ryder waves.

"Why are you smoking?" Gustavo asks calmly. You know what really annoys him? All Ryder does is shrug! Yeah, she just shrugs as if she doesn't care! Well, it's a good thing that Griffin likes her because if it weren't for that, she would be so fired! No sixteen year old girl has any business smoking a cigarette!

"My boys and I were just relaxing." Ryder finally says, putting out the cigarette in an ash tray. Ugh, Griffin let her borrow his ashtray? Sometimes Gustavo really wonders about that man. He can be pretty weird! Almost as weird as Gustavo's uncle, who gets arrested on a regular basis. The Rocque family isn't really all that normal.

"Get to work." He says sternly.

"Wait, did Griffin take the guys back?" Ryder asks hopefully, putting her headphones on.

Gustavo sighs. "Yes, the dogs have been resigned to Rocque Records." Ryder seems as excited as Gustavo and Kelly are. Truthfully, Gustavo thinks that she and James have a thing for each other. But his number one concern is making these two bands successful, which means that they've got A LOT of work to do.

"Ryder's happy because her boyfriend is here to stay." Martin whispers, grunting when Ryder's elbow makes contact with his stomach. Gustavo huffs, taking a seat in front of the sound booth. He has been working on an amazing song for these kids and he's ready to record it. Once he's done with this, he's getting right to work on that new Big Time Rush single.

* * *

"I'm bullet proof, nothing to lose, fire away, fire away!" Ryder sings to Emma. They're all on a break right now, so everyone is playing with the adorable new baby. James can't help noticing the way Ryder interacts with Emma. She softens up around little kids, which is nice to see. As attractive as her bad girl ways are, it's nice to see a gentler side of her.

"Emma looks just like her mommy." Kendall says in a baby voice. James smiles softly, reaching out to stroke Emma's cheek. He has been enjoying being godfather to this precious little girl. Maybe he didn't get to have a child with Devonne, but he has little Emma. He eagerly accepts any opportunity to take care of her. For example, Kendall wants to take Jo on a date next week and James agreed to babysit.

"And she's such a happy baby!" Ryder says cutely, blowing a raspberry on Emma's cheek. James can tell that Kendall doesn't feel entirely comfortable with this since Ryder still has the smell of cigarette smoke on her breath, but the girl said that this was her first and last cigarette. Martin had brought a pack and asked her to try one. She did and she claims that she didn't like it.

"How do you know?" Carlos asks her. "She can't even smile yet."

"Yeah, but I can tell." Ryder replies, tickling Emma's tummy. James grins as the baby yawns, admiring her cuteness. Kendall is right. She does look like her mom. In fact, she's a spitting image of Jo.

"Lemme see her." He murmurs, lifting her from the carrier. She whines softly before quieting down, looking up at him. Isn't it cool how she always seems so calm when he holds her? It feels nice knowing that she feels comfortable with him. She loves her godfather and uncles as much as she loves her parents.

"I think she's sleepy." Kendall says, watching his daughter.

"Hey, isn't it great that we got resigned?" Carlos asks, changing the subject.

"Yeah, it is." James agrees, still looking at Emma. He was so happy when they were told that they were gonna make that comeback that they've been hoping for. Truthfully, he had his doubts, but he feels a lot more comforted now. They've been back in LA for three days now and nothing has gone wrong!

"Gustavo better use some major auto tune on Logiebear's voice."

"Ryder, I really wanna kick your ass right now, but you're a girl so I can't."

"Riiight." Ryder answers flatly. James rolls his eyes and reaches over to punch her shoulder, quietly laughing as she yelps. In return, he gets a punch to his own shoulder. He lets Kendall take Emma before Ryder lunges at him, while the others try not to laugh. James cannot believe that he's getting his butt whooped by a girl! He needs to get the upper hand and fast.

"Oh, you think you're so tough." He says sarcastically before rolling them over, pinning her arms above her head. Okay, did Logan just _whistle_? For a genius, that kid sure can be immature sometimes. Anyway, back to Ryder. She's looking up at him with this cute but creepy smirk and it's kind of freaking him out.

"We should make out."

"We're not gonna do that." James brings his face closer to hers.

"You guys might as well get married!"

"Like I'd marry this guy!" Ryder snorts in response to Carlos's comment. That almost makes James laugh because there is no way that he'll marry anyone related to Gustavo Rocque. The last thing he wants is to call the man Uncle Gustavo. That won't happen, especially since he has Devonne. Again, he doesn't care that she's dead. She's still his wife and it would wrong for him to get involved with another girl.

"Kiss her." Someone whispers in his ear. That sounded like...Devonne.

Just as they're about to kiss, Gustavo's booming voice interrupts him. Well, that puts an end to their banter/flirting. Well, maybe later!

"LET'S GET BACK TO WORK!"

"We'll finish this later." Ryder whispers in James's ear before he lets her up. He looks at her with raised eyebrows as she walks past him, glaring at his friends when they give him knowing looks. He doesn't know what they're thinking, but if they're thinking that he's interested in Ryder...they might be right.

* * *

**The song Ryder sang to Emma is Titanium (by Sia and David Guetta)**

**Review! :D**


	38. Kiss Me Now

"Were you really gonna kiss me the other day?" Ryder asks as she and James relax in the Rocque Records lobby.

"What makes you think I wanted to kiss you?" James frowns, surfing the internet on his phone. Yeah, he almost did, but he can't let her know that. Her ego is big enough as it is and he doesn't want to inflate it any more than it already is. The last thing they need is a more conceited sixteen year old girl roaming around Rocque Records.

"I could tell." Ryder smirks, grabbing his phone. He rolls his eyes, taking his phone back. Ryder tries to grab it again, but James gently pushes her hand away. Next thing he knows, she's pushing him onto his back and straddling his waist, holding his arms above his head. Dang, she's strong for such a small girl.

"That phone is a distraction." She tells him.

"I know you think you're intimidating, but you're really not." James answers coolly. Ryder gives him a sarcastic look in response, which is strangely attractive. She's got quite an attitude, but he kind of likes it. He's not use to dating bad girls, but he might have to take a chance on this one. Sure, she's obnoxious, rude, destructive, and really irritating sometimes, but she's still pretty cute.

"You won't be saying that when I kick you where it hurts." She warns him. He gives her a look, snorting. He finds it funny when she threatens him because he knows that she's not really gonna do anything. He can see right through that tough girl facade of hers. He can see that she has a soft side. When you get to know someone, it's not that hard to tell.

"You won't do anything." He answers.

"Oh, really? You wanna bet, pretty boy?"

"How do you have such a huge attitude problem at your age?" He wonders. Ryder huffs, letting him up. He begins walking away, then he feels a certain blonde haired girl jumping on his back. Well, he supposes that he's gonna be giving her a piggy back ride against his will. Oh, yippee...wow, she's heavy!

"Have you put on a few pounds?"

"Never comment on a girl's weight."

"Sure thing, Blondie."

"Hey, take me back to the studio." Ryder instructs. James groans and turns around, carrying her toward the elevator. She seems to find this amusing, even though he clearly doesn't feel the same way. He's a pretty strong guy, but even he doesn't always feel like carrying a bunch of weight. Ryder is a lot heavier than she looks.

"Okay, how tall are you?" He asks her.

"Five foot four." Ryder answers. James snorts upon hearing that response. That sounds about right, but she's pretty heavy for a 5"4 person. Whatever! He just wants to get back to the studio so he can put her down and rest his likely strained back. Besides, Kendall brought Emma again and James wants to hold her.

"Can I please put you down?"

"Eh, sure."

James sighs in relief as Ryder gets off his back.

As they walk into the studio, he finds Logan cuddling Emma, who appears to be fast asleep. He makes quiet "aww" noise, approaching them. He sits next to Logan and reaches out to Emma, touching her little hand. Without waking her up, Logan hands her to James, who smiles and gently kisses her cheek.

"Are you sleepy, Emma?" He coos. Gosh, he loves this little girl as much as her parents do. She's Kendall and Jo's whole world. She's only a week old, but they have changed so much since she was born. Jo is an amazing mom and Kendall is doing pretty good as her dad. James hopes that he'll get to be a father someday.

"Emma's such a pretty little girl." Carlos says sweetly, stroking Emma's cheek. Aww, she's drooling. Jo pulls a cloth out of the diaper bag and wipes the drool from Emma's mouth, smiling the whole time. Emma starts to whimper and James hands her to her mother, who happily takes her daughter into her arms.

"Dogs, let's get to work!" Gustavo says, entering the studio. "Ryder, please step out of the studio."

"Why?!"

"Because I said so!"

"UGH!" Ryder storms out of the room, slamming the door behind her. As soon as she's gone, the guys burst into laughter, barely managing to keep from waking up the sleeping baby girl.

* * *

Ryder cannot believe that Gustavo won't let her watch the guys record. She supposes that he thinks she'll distract them. She doesn't see how that could happen. She would try not to make any comments about Logan's squeaky voice or Carlos's stupid helmet. What about Kendall's huge, bushy caterpillars that he calls his eyebrows? Then there's the perfection that is James Diamond.

She smirks, standing outside the glass door. Oh yeah, she can still see everything that's going on inside the studio. She can't hear the new song, but she can see the guys recording it. Wow, James is attractive. She isn't sure if her mom wants her dating a nineteen year old guy, but she has never really been one to listen. She's kind of a rebellious teenager. She sneaks out, she talks back, and she dates who she wants to date, regardless of whether or not her mom approves.

She watches as the guys stop singing. Logan says something to Gustavo and Ryder's eyes widen as he points to her. Then her uncle turns around and narrows his eyes, walking toward her. She waves quickly and disappears around the corner, taking a deep breath. She doesn't know why he won't let her sit in on their recording sessions.

"RYDER LYNN WILLIAMS!"

"WHAT?!" Ryder retorts.

"STAY AWAY FROM THIS DOOR!"

"WHATEVER!"

Ah, she loves talking back to that man. If he didn't have such an anger problem, it probably wouldn't be as fun to argue with him. As for James, she'll be patiently waiting for him to ask her out. She doesn't know why, but she has a feeling that he's interested. Well, she certainly _hopes _that he's interested.

* * *

"Well, you dogs are done for the day." Gustavo tells them. "Be back here tomorrow at nine."

The guys eagerly leave the studio. Just as James is about to head for the elevator, a familiar hand grabs his. He turns around and comes face to face with Ryder. He doesn't know why she's looking at him with that smirk, but he's not sure if he wants to know. She's unpredictable, like Carlos.

"So..."

"What?" He frowns.

"Are you gonna kiss me now?"

Wow, she sure isn't shy. He's glad that she asked him, though. He really does wanna kiss this girl, but he doesn't want anyone to catch him making out with Gustavo's sixteen year old niece. Of course, who says that they have to get caught? Anyway, should he kiss her? He wants to, but he's reluctant.

"You're worried that Gustavo will catch us, aren't you?"

"He'll kill me!" He answers.

"I won't let him." Ryder assures him. Alright, since she said that, he's gonna go for it. He brings his face close to hers and soon they're kissing, gently but passionately. No one will ever replace Devonne, but he knows that she's okay with him dating. By communicating with her ghost, he has learned that she would want him to move on.

"Dude, James and Ryder are totally making out."

"Get out of here, Logan!" Ryder says, pulling away from James. James glances at his smart friend and his Latino friend, shooting both Carlos and Logan a look. As funny as it is to watch Logan and Ryder go at it, James would rather have her to himself. They're not officially a couple yet, but if they're gonna be, he'd like to have some alone time with the girl!

"Logan isn't as smart as he looks." Ryder whispers after Logan has left.

"Be nice!"

"Nice isn't really my thing." Ryder replies. James snorts in amusement. Yeah, he knew that already. She has insulted him and his friends on numerous occasions. The insults were mostly innocent and it never went too far, so he doesn't really mind. Although he hates when she calls him a "man child." That's kind of annoying.

"I know." James nods. "Although, you could try being a little less aggravating."

"Sorry, pretty boy." Ryder tells him. "It's not gonna happen."

James grumbles under his breath, surprised when he feels Ryder kissing his cheek. He loves getting cheek kisses. Lips to lips is always the best, but lips to cheek is a close second. Devonne would do that all the time. He would be doing something and she would suddenly come up behind him and surprise him with a kiss on his cheek.

"You've got really rosy cheeks. Have you secretly been borrowing Mama Knight's blush?"

"No, I have rosacea." James responds. A lot of his fans think that his rosy cheeks are cute, so he's not complaining.

"Hey, I like them." Ryder says, pinching his cheeks. Okay, he doesn't like _that. _Some older ladies like pinching his cheeks and he hates it. It makes him feel like a little child when in reality, he's nineteen. Wait, he just had another thought. Does Ryder know that he had cancer? Will she be cool with knowing that he had a life threatening illness?

"You know, I use to have cancer." He admits.

"I know." Ryder nods. "I watch a lot of celebrity news."

"Ah."

"Yeah, so I already all about it." Ryder tells him, wrapping her arms around his neck. He smiles as she kisses him again, relaxing. Now that they've had a first kiss, he needs to take her out on a proper date. He's thinking dinner at a romantic restaurant, then a trip to the Palm Woods park. Maybe they could lay under the stars.

"Hey, would you like to go out sometimes?"

"I would love that."

* * *

**Sorry I didn't update yesterday! I was feeling lazy yesterday:P**

**Review! :D**


	39. Together Now

"I can't believe I am on a date with Gustavo's niece." James says as he and Ryder sit by the lake.

"Hey, at least I'm not a stuffy old music producer." Ryder answers, laying on her back. James eyed her for a moment. He wasn't sure if her outfit was appropriate for a sixteen year old, but he actually likes it. A black and white, loose fitting crop top and tight jeans with high heels. She manages to look sexy and cute all at the same time.

"True." He chuckles, looking at the beautiful pond. By the way, Gustavo actually encouraged them to spend time together. Since they're all signed to the same record label, he thinks that they should spend time together and learn how to get along. That isn't why James and Ryder are here, though. They had talked about going on a date.

"Now, can we please talk about something interesting?" Ryder asks.

"Like what?" James snorted.

"Like the fact that you guys will be performing on AM LA next week and I get to watch and see if ya'll mess it up." James looks at Ryder with raised eyebrows. She seems to get all of her amusement out of insulting them. It's kind of funny, though, so James doesn't bother complaining. He knows that she's just teasing and doesn't mean anything by it.

"What makes you think we'll mess it up?" He frowns.

"I was watching AM LA the last time you guys were on." Ryder smirks. James cringes at the memory. Yeah, he also remembers BTR's first TV appearance. It wasn't pretty. It turned out okay in the end, but still, it wasn't the ideal experience. They basically destroyed the set, caused the producer to have a nervous breakdown, and more.

"Ah." He says, nodding. "I figured."

"I love how you were trying to be a weatherman, all smart and whatnot."

"Trying?" James eyes her again.

"Yes, Jamez, _trying_." Ryder grins. "Meaning that you looked more like a ditzy surfer boy than an actual weatherman."

James rolls his eyes, looking up at the sky. He wasn't sure how pathetic he looked during his weatherman attempt, but he thought that he looked sexy. After all, he's James Diamond. He always looked good no matter what he's doing. Maybe that sounds conceited, maybe Ryder has a different opinion, but he thinks that he was a great weatherman.

"Wow, you're so funny." He answers sarcastically. When she laughs, he finds himself smiling. Her laugh is nothing like her personality. For someone so crazy, she sure does have a sweet laugh. It sounds so soft and innocent, nothing like her overall persona. Not that he has a problem with her personality! He actually finds her bad girl/wild child ways very attractive.

"Yeah, I know."

"Hey, let's not get the big head."

"Like you have room to talk!"

"I hate when you're right." James chuckles, turning to look at her. He needs to be honest about something. He's normally great with the ladies, but there's something different about his interactions with Ryder. With her, he feels both excited and...awkward? Like, it's a really weird feeling.

"Good."

"Okay, now you're being a pain in the butt."

Ryder laughs again and ruffles his hair, scooting closer to him. He looks her in the eyes, wondering what to say next. He usually always knows what to say when it comes to girls. Maybe Ryder is just different. She's not like the girls that automatically fall at his feet. If a guy wants someone like her, they have to work at it.

"But you are kind of cute." He shrugs.

"Kind of?"

James starts laughing, even as Ryder gives him a look. She looks so serious and it's hilarious. He didn't thin Ryder was capable of being serious. She's usually teasing people and making jokes at the most inappropriate times, then James says that she's "kind of" cute and she gets all offended. It's funny!

"Okay, you're very cute!" He corrects himself, still struggling to stop his laughter. They've only been on this date for a little over two hours and he's been having a great time, even when they've gotten into silly, random arguments. At the Cheesecake Factory, they were discussing whether or not a tomato is a fruit or a vegetable. It was really random, really stupid, but really fun.

"Jett Stetson thinks I look like a twelve year old."

"Well..."

"Finish that sentence and you'll be dead."

"Oh, I'm so scared." James murmurs, grinning as Ryder punches his shoulder. Out of nowhere, he grabs her and pulls her closer, chuckling as she squeals. Even as she tries to pull away, he keeps his grip on her, proving that he's much stronger than his sixteen year old girlfriend. Okay, so they're not officially dating yet, but he can call her his girlfriend, right?

"Look, most dates end with a kiss, so can we get to that part?" She asks him.

"I thought you'd never ask." He smiles, leaning in for a kiss. Now he just needs to make her his official girlfriend, then everything will be exactly how he wants it...or at least as good as life can be when his wife is dead. He supposes that he still has a lot to be thankful for. Besides, he has come to realize that she would want him to be happy.

"Would you be interested in being the girlfriend of James Diamond?" He asks her.

"Hmmm...yeah, I'm very interested." Ryder smiles, looking down at him.

"Then it's official." James replies. "You are my girlfriend now."

"Yep," Ryder nods. "I am. Just know that you'll be in trouble if I catch you flirting with any other girls."

James huffs, looking at his new girlfriend. He can already tell that she's gonna be a handful. She's proven it many times since he has known her, but he's taking on a lot of responsibility by choosing to date her. He really likes her, though, so she's worth the stress.

* * *

"Why is James's arm around Ryder?!" Gustavo snaps as they approach him.

"Take a guess, Uncle." Ryder says, patting his cheek before walking past him. Okay, Gustavo knows that James and Ryder are dating, but he's not happy about it. He can't believe that his niece is dating one of the monkey dogs! What if they end up getting married? Then James will be Gustavo's (gulp)...nephew.

"Fine." He says, taking a deep breath. Then he brings his face close to James's. "If you break her heart, I'll break you. Got that, monkey dog?" James gulps and nods, which is barely enough to satisfy Gustavo. As annoying as Ryder can be, Gustavo is protective of his niece. He knows that James doesn't exactly have a clean slate when it comes to dating and he doesn't want Ryder to be another girl for that dog to screw over.

"On a different note, you dogs are probably aware that you are scheduled to perform on AM LA next Saturday." He stands up straight. "I have written a new song that you will debut on the show. You will also be doing a brief interview, which I pray you won't screw up. For the next week, you dogs will be WORKING YOUR BUTTS OFF!"

He knows that it might seem like he's being hard on them, but he just got them back and they need to prove that they've still got the fire that they had before all of the recent controversy. Really, he's desperate for these kids to shake their scandal plagued reputations. Things have been horrible as far as publicity goes, which is why they need to get some _good _publicity.

"Can we take ten minutes naps?" Carlos asks hopefully.

"NO!" Gustavo snaps. "Kelly, where's my latte?!"

"Here!" The clearly exhausted assistant says, handing him the cup. They have been pretty busy lately and their schedules are especially full now that they've got the AM LA performance coming up. This performance will prove to the world that BTR isn't the troubled boy band they once were. They are in desperate need of some positive press.

"Kelly, why do you look so awful?" Kendall asks slowly.

"Because this guy had been work overtime yesterday!" Kelly answers, smacking Gustavo behind the head. He yelps in pain and they almost get into a slap fight, but Ryder steps between them. Gosh, does she always have to interfere in his business? He can't even argue with his assistant without her interrupting.

"Can I have some of that?" She asks, pointing to his latte.

"Get your own!" He snaps, turning around and storming to the studio. "LET'S GET TO WORK, DOGS!"

* * *

"Really? You just had to criticize his teaching skills?" Gustavo complains.

"It's not my fault he's so sensitive!" Ryder shrugs, referring to Mr. X. Okay, he was teaching the guys the dance to their newest tune and she may have been a little critical, but he didn't have to take her seriously. But he did and...he quit. Now Gustavo is ready to have a conniption and he's blaming it all on her.

"Gustavo, go easy on her." James tells him. "I mean, Mr. X's teaching skills have gotten a little rusty." His bandmates and girlfriend burst out laughing, even as Gustavo's face turns bright red. Next thing Ryder knows, her uncle has thrown her over his shoulder and is carrying her out of the dance studio. She flails her arms and legs, protesting at the top of her lungs.

"Stay out here and wait until we're done." He says calmly before closing the studio door. Ryder looks at the doorknob for a moment, shaking her head as she pushes the door open. Gustavo whips around and she smirks, walking past him. She takes her black leather jacket off and throws it to the side.

"I can fix this." She insists before facing the BTR guys. "Do you guys mind if your new choreographer has zero experience?"

"You? You want to choreograph Big Time Rush's performance?!" Gustavo laughs. As usual, Ryder just ignores him. Grabbing the stereo remote, she turns the music back on before putting it down. Then she faces her boyfriend and his bandmates again, performing a few moves of her own. And Gustavo thought she couldn't dance!

"Well, are you guys gonna repeat after me or not?" She asks before continuing her dance. While dancing, she watches the guys, pleased when they actually begin dancing along. Gustavo doesn't have too much faith her, she knows, but she's proving him wrong. She can see it on his face in the studio mirror. Oh, she loves surprising people.

* * *

**I'm thinking that the next chapter will be the last:) Then I'll get started on the multichapter fic for "The Haunting," which has gotten ten reviews so far! That's the most any of my one shots have gotten! :D**

**Review! :D**


	40. The Past Is Behind Us

"Okay, guys, this is it!" Kelly says enthusiastically, handing each of the guys a microphone. "You're performing again!"

James looks at Emma, who is being held in her mom's arms. You know, Kelly almost seems more excited than any of them. Honestly, they were only accepted back into Rocque Records a short time ago and they're already back to performing. Of course, Griffin has always been the type to plan things at the last minute. He seems to be a big fan of surprises. Performing on AM LA was his idea.

"I think I'm gonna be sick." Logan gulps, peeking around the backdrop. The audience is patiently waiting for their performance, but James isn't feeling so patient. He's back to being the excited rockstar he once was. It feels great to be himself again, looking forward to Big Time Rush performances and spending time with a pretty girl.

"You better not puke on me, smarty pants." Ryder warns, wrapping her arms around James's waist. James fears that this might turn into another Logan/Ryder "catfight," so he puts his arms around Ryder to keep her still. If he doesn't restrain her, she might end up killing Logan and destroy AM LA's set.

"I wish I _could _puke on you!" Logan retorts. "In fact, you cause me nausea on a regular basis."

"Jerk."

"Wannabe rockstar-OW!" Logan yells when Ryder kicks him. James shakes his head and pulls his girlfriend away from his smart friend, just so they don't have to worry about her getting busted for assault and/or murder. He's pretty sure her mom wouldn't be too happy if she ended up in prison. There's also her fans that they need to think about. She may not be very famous yet, but she's getting there and people have already started noticing her.

"Be nice." He warns.

"And why should I do that?" She retorts.

"Because I'm three years older than you and I said so." James tells her. Ryder crosses her arms and looks at him with her "you can't tell me what to do" face. They've only been together for a week, but sometimes he feels like they have a parent/daughter relationship. He kindly asks her to do something and she "kindly" refuses.

"You're not my father, you know."

"Yes, but I'm still older." James answers, looking her in the eyes. She stares at him, clearly trying to see if she can infuriate him. Well, it's not working. All she's doing is making him wanna burst into hysteric laughter. Ryder is just a typical teenager. She thinks she's so much smarter than she actually is. Luckily, James finds it amusing.

Well, that shut her up. Instead of responding, she huffs and lets him wrap his arms around her again, leaning against him. It's quite fascinating how she manages to be both aggravating and cute at the same time. He kind of likes that about her. Yeah, there are sometimes when she's just annoying all around, but she usually finds a happy medium.

"Dogs, you're almost up!" Gustavo says, pulling James away from Ryder. Luckily, he's able to get a quick kiss from his girl before his music producer pulls him over to his bandmates. He clutches his microphone in his hand, eyeing his bandmates. He throws his arm around Logan's shoulder, giving his friend a reassuring squeeze. They're both recently...sobered up, so they need to support each other.

"Please give a warm welcome to Big Time Rush!" The television host, Miles Bainbridge, announces. Together, the guys walk onto the stage, waving at the audience. James looks behind him and he's surprised to see his parents backstage, smiling at him. Then the music begins and the Big Time Comeback begins.

* * *

"Big Time Rush is making a big time comeback!" Miles seems excited to have BTR on his show, despite their recent controversy. His enthusiasm doesn't do much to help James's anxiety, though. The high he got from performing has disappeared and he's right back in his freakout mode. He can't stop thinking that he might say something stupid.

"So...you guys are back on the scene after a three month hiatus? How's it going so far?" Miles questions.

"Well, we haven't screwed up yet!" Carlos says with a nervous laugh. James smiles awkwardly, nudging Logan with his foot. They can get through this. He knows they can. They just have to momentarily forget about the past few months and focus on right now. Keep a positive outlook and just have fun.

"You know, that song you just performed was fantastic! What's the story behind it?"

"Like Nobody's Around is just about, you know, not caring so much about what other people think." James finally speaks up. "I think that's something we've been trying to work on. We've had our fair share of controversy recently and I know there are people out there just waiting for us to fall again, but we're just having fun and making music and dancing...well, like nobody's around."

"YOU TELL EM, BABY!" Ryder screams. James laughs carefully, glancing at Ryder. His poor parents are standing right next to her and they obviously don't know what to think. They've met her a few times before and they said they liked her, but they admitted that they find her a little...abrasive and frightening. They'll surely warm up to her eventually, though.

"Is that your girlfriend?" Miles asks him.

James smiles. "Yeah, that's her."

"Before we begin discussing BTR's next album, I would like to talk about James and Logan. The biggest part of Big Time Rush's most recent controversies surrounded the two of you. What happened and what are you doing to make things right?"

James and Logan glance at each other and just as Logan starts to speak up, Kendall interrupts.

"I just wanna say that I am incredibly proud of them." He says. "Yeah, they messed up, there's no denying that. But they took responsibility and they got help. That's all that matters to us."

James smiles, watching as Carlos nods in agreement. It's official. He has the best friends in the whole world. He and Logan have made plenty of mistakes in the past few months, but their loved ones aren't holding that against them. James is truly grateful for that because all he wants is to put the past behind him.

"We want our fans to know that we plan on doing everything we can...to show that we're ready to become better people." Logan states. "Like Kendall said, there's no denying that James and I messed up, but all that matters is that we take full responsibility for our actions. We're happy and healthy again. We're ready to make more music and make our fans proud."

James finds himself smiling again, reaching out to squeeze Logan's shoulder. He looked toward the back of the audience and what he sees surprises him, but at the same time, it doesn't. Devonne is standing there, looking more beautiful than she ever has. She looks more like an angel than a ghost now. Somehow, he knows that she's at peace.

Then he looks back at Ryder, Mama Knight, Katie, his parents, and everyone else than came to support them. For the first time in quite some time, he feels genuinely happy. He has finally found the strength to carry on without Devonne. It's what she would want him to do and all he wants is to make her proud. He has a feeling that he has succeeded.

It's time to forget the past and focus on the future.

* * *

**First of all, I just wanna thank you guys for reading and reviewing this story! I've had so much writing all this drama, romance, and overall excitement for you guys:) It has 255 reviews and I just have to say how happy that makes me. I love knowing that you enjoy my writing. Hopefully, you'll like my next story, which I am gonna tell you about NOW. **

**It's a horror story, which I find surprisingly fun to write. In the story, the Palm Woods is haunted by the ghost of a former mental patient (and her ghostly minions). The guys and their friends discover that the "home for the future famous" actually use to be the "home for the mentally insane." Fifty years ago, patients began dying mysteriously and the mental hospital was shut down, only to be turned into the Palm Woods hotel ten years later. There, that should be a good enough explanation for now:) I'll try to post the first chapter tomorrow, then I'll start working on the next chapter of Play With Fire:)**

**Speaking of Play With Fire, I haven't been getting a lot of reviews for that lately. Maybe you guys could fix that?**


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